As You Like It

1 Enter Duke Senior, Amiens, Jaques, Orlando, Oliver and Celia.
2 DUKE SENIOR.
3 Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy
4 Can do all this that he hath promised?
5 ORLANDO.
6 I sometimes do believe and sometimes do not,
7 As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.
8 Enter Rosalind, Silvius and Phoebe.
9 ROSALIND.
10 Patience once more whiles our compact is urged.
11 [_To the Duke._] You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,
12 You will bestow her on Orlando here?
13 DUKE SENIOR.
14 That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.
15 ROSALIND.
16 [_To Orlando_.] And you say you will have her when I bring her?
17 ORLANDO.
18 That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.
19 ROSALIND.
20 [_To Phoebe_.] You say you’ll marry me if I be willing?
21 PHOEBE.
22 That will I, should I die the hour after.
23 ROSALIND.
24 But if you do refuse to marry me,
25 You’ll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?
26 PHOEBE.
27 So is the bargain.
28 ROSALIND.
29 [_To Silvius_.] You say that you’ll have Phoebe if she will?
30 SILVIUS.
31 Though to have her and death were both one thing.
32 ROSALIND.
33 I have promised to make all this matter even.
34 Keep you your word, O Duke, to give your daughter,
35 You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter.
36 Keep your word, Phoebe, that you’ll marry me,
37 Or else, refusing me, to wed this shepherd.
38 Keep your word, Silvius, that you’ll marry her
39 If she refuse me. And from hence I go
40 To make these doubts all even.
41 [_Exeunt Rosalind and Celia._]
42 DUKE SENIOR.
43 I do remember in this shepherd boy
44 Some lively touches of my daughter’s favour.
45 ORLANDO.
46 My lord, the first time that I ever saw him
47 Methought he was a brother to your daughter.
48 But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born
49 And hath been tutored in the rudiments
50 Of many desperate studies by his uncle,
51 Whom he reports to be a great magician,
52 Obscured in the circle of this forest.
53 Enter Touchstone and Audrey.
54 JAQUES.
55 There is sure another flood toward, and these couples are coming to the
56 ark. Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are
57 called fools.
58 TOUCHSTONE.
59 Salutation and greeting to you all.
60 JAQUES.
61 Good my lord, bid him welcome. This is the motley-minded gentleman that
62 I have so often met in the forest. He hath been a courtier, he swears.
63 TOUCHSTONE.
64 If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation. I have trod a
65 measure; I have flattered a lady; I have been politic with my friend,
66 smooth with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have had four
67 quarrels, and like to have fought one.
68 JAQUES.
69 And how was that ta’en up?
70 TOUCHSTONE.
71 Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause.
72 JAQUES.
73 How seventh cause?—Good my lord, like this fellow?
74 DUKE SENIOR.
75 I like him very well.
76 TOUCHSTONE.
77 God ’ild you, sir, I desire you of the like. I press in here, sir,
78 amongst the rest of the country copulatives, to swear and to forswear
79 according as marriage binds and blood breaks. A poor virgin, sir, an
80 ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humour of mine, sir, to
81 take that that no man else will. Rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir,
82 in a poor house, as your pearl in your foul oyster.
83 DUKE SENIOR.
84 By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
85 TOUCHSTONE.
86 According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.
87 JAQUES.
88 But, for the seventh cause. How did you find the quarrel on the seventh
89 cause?
90 TOUCHSTONE.
91 Upon a lie seven times removed—bear your body more seeming, Audrey—as
92 thus, sir. I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard. He sent
93 me word if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it
94 was. This is called the “retort courteous”. If I sent him word again it
95 was not well cut, he would send me word he cut it to please himself.
96 This is called the “quip modest”. If again it was not well cut, he
97 disabled my judgement. This is called the “reply churlish”. If again it
98 was not well cut, he would answer I spake not true. This is called the
99 “reproof valiant”. If again it was not well cut, he would say I lie.
100 This is called the “countercheck quarrelsome”, and so, to the “lie
101 circumstantial”, and the “lie direct”.
102 JAQUES.
103 And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?
104 TOUCHSTONE.
105 I durst go no further than the lie circumstantial, nor he durst not
106 give me the lie direct; and so we measured swords and parted.
107 JAQUES.
108 Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?
109 TOUCHSTONE.
110 O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as you have books for good
111 manners. I will name you the degrees: the first, the retort courteous;
112 the second, the quip modest; the third, the reply churlish; the fourth,
113 the reproof valiant; the fifth, the countercheck quarrelsome; the
114 sixth, the lie with circumstance; the seventh, the lie direct. All
115 these you may avoid but the lie direct and you may avoid that too with
116 an “if”. I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but
117 when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an
118 “if”, as, “if you said so, then I said so;” and they shook hands, and
119 swore brothers. Your “if” is the only peacemaker; much virtue in “if.”
120 JAQUES.
121 Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? He’s as good at anything, and yet a
122 fool.
123 DUKE SENIOR.
124 He uses his folly like a stalking-horse, and under the presentation of
125 that he shoots his wit.
126 Enter Hymen, Rosalind in woman’s clothes, and Celia. Still music.
127 HYMEN.
128 Then is there mirth in heaven
129 When earthly things made even
130 Atone together.
131 Good Duke, receive thy daughter.
132 Hymen from heaven brought her,
133 Yea, brought her hither,
134 That thou mightst join her hand with his,
135 Whose heart within his bosom is.
136 ROSALIND.
137 [_To Duke Senior_.] To you I give myself, for I am yours.
138 [_To Orlando_.] To you I give myself, for I am yours.
139 DUKE SENIOR.
140 If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.
141 ORLANDO.
142 If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.
143 PHOEBE.
144 If sight and shape be true,
145 Why then, my love adieu.
146 ROSALIND.
147 [_To Duke Senior_.] I’ll have no father, if you be not he.
148 [_To Orlando_.] I’ll have no husband, if you be not he.
149 [_To Phoebe_.] Nor ne’er wed woman, if you be not she.
150 HYMEN.
151 Peace, ho! I bar confusion.
152 ’Tis I must make conclusion
153 Of these most strange events.
154 Here’s eight that must take hands
155 To join in Hymen’s bands,
156 If truth holds true contents.
157 [_To Orlando and Rosalind_.] You and you no cross shall part.
158 [_To Celia and Oliver_.] You and you are heart in heart.
159 [_To Phoebe_.] You to his love must accord
160 Or have a woman to your lord.
161 [_To Audrey and Touchstone_.] You and you are sure together
162 As the winter to foul weather.
163 Whiles a wedlock hymn we sing,
164 Feed yourselves with questioning,
165 That reason wonder may diminish
166 How thus we met, and these things finish.
167 SONG
168 Wedding is great Juno’s crown,
169 O blessed bond of board and bed.
170 ’Tis Hymen peoples every town,
171 High wedlock then be honoured.
172 Honour, high honour, and renown
173 To Hymen, god of every town.
174 DUKE SENIOR.
175 O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me
176 Even daughter, welcome in no less degree.
177 PHOEBE.
178 [_To Silvius_.] I will not eat my word, now thou art mine,
179 Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.
180 Enter Jaques de Boys.
181 JAQUES DE BOYS.
182 Let me have audience for a word or two.
183 I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,
184 That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.
185 Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day
186 Men of great worth resorted to this forest,
187 Addressed a mighty power, which were on foot
188 In his own conduct, purposely to take
189 His brother here and put him to the sword;
190 And to the skirts of this wild wood he came,
191 Where, meeting with an old religious man,
192 After some question with him, was converted
193 Both from his enterprise and from the world,
194 His crown bequeathing to his banished brother,
195 And all their lands restored to them again
196 That were with him exiled. This to be true
197 I do engage my life.
198 DUKE SENIOR.
199 Welcome, young man.
200 Thou offer’st fairly to thy brother’s wedding:
201 To one his lands withheld, and to the other
202 A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.
203 First, in this forest let us do those ends
204 That here were well begun and well begot;
205 And after, every of this happy number
206 That have endured shrewd days and nights with us
207 Shall share the good of our returned fortune,
208 According to the measure of their states.
209 Meantime, forget this new-fall’n dignity,
210 And fall into our rustic revelry.
211 Play, music! And you brides and bridegrooms all,
212 With measure heaped in joy to th’ measures fall.
213 JAQUES.
214 Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,
215 The Duke hath put on a religious life
216 And thrown into neglect the pompous court.
217 JAQUES DE BOYS.
218 He hath.
219 JAQUES.
220 To him will I. Out of these convertites
221 There is much matter to be heard and learned.
222 [_To Duke Senior_.] You to your former honour I bequeath;
223 Your patience and your virtue well deserves it.
224 [_To Orlando_.] You to a love that your true faith doth merit.
225 [_To Oliver_.] You to your land, and love, and great allies.
226 [_To Silvius_.] You to a long and well-deserved bed.
227 [_To Touchstone_.] And you to wrangling, for thy loving voyage
228 Is but for two months victualled.—So to your pleasures,
229 I am for other than for dancing measures.
230 DUKE SENIOR.
231 Stay, Jaques, stay.
232 JAQUES.
233 To see no pastime, I. What you would have
234 I’ll stay to know at your abandoned cave.
235 [_Exit._]
236 DUKE SENIOR.
237 Proceed, proceed! We will begin these rites,
238 As we do trust they’ll end, in true delights.
239 [_Dance. Exeunt all but Rosalind._]
240 EPILOGUE
241 ROSALIND.
242 It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue, but it is no more
243 unhandsome than to see the lord the prologue. If it be true that good
244 wine needs no bush, ’tis true that a good play needs no epilogue. Yet
245 to good wine they do use good bushes, and good plays prove the better
246 by the help of good epilogues. What a case am I in then, that am
247 neither a good epilogue nor cannot insinuate with you in the behalf of
248 a good play! I am not furnished like a beggar; therefore to beg will
249 not become me. My way is to conjure you, and I’ll begin with the women.
250 I charge you, O women, for the love you bear to men, to like as much of
251 this play as please you. And I charge you, O men, for the love you bear
252 to women—as I perceive by your simpering, none of you hates them—that
253 between you and the women the play may please. If I were a woman, I
254 would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased me, complexions
255 that liked me, and breaths that I defied not. And I am sure as many as
256 have good beards, or good faces, or sweet breaths will for my kind
257 offer, when I make curtsy, bid me farewell.
258 [_Exit._]