Much Ado About Nothing

1 Enter Leonato and Antonio.
2 ANTONIO.
3 If you go on thus, you will kill yourself
4 And ’tis not wisdom thus to second grief
5 Against yourself.
6 LEONATO.
7 I pray thee, cease thy counsel,
8 Which falls into mine ears as profitless
9 As water in a sieve: give not me counsel;
10 Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
11 But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine:
12 Bring me a father that so lov’d his child,
13 Whose joy of her is overwhelm’d like mine,
14 And bid him speak of patience;
15 Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,
16 And let it answer every strain for strain,
17 As thus for thus and such a grief for such,
18 In every lineament, branch, shape, and form:
19 If such a one will smile, and stroke his beard;
20 Bid sorrow wag, cry ‘hem’ when he should groan,
21 Patch grief with proverbs; make misfortune drunk
22 With candle-wasters; bring him yet to me,
23 And I of him will gather patience.
24 But there is no such man; for, brother, men
25 Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief
26 Which they themselves not feel; but, tasting it,
27 Their counsel turns to passion, which before
28 Would give preceptial medicine to rage,
29 Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
30 Charm ache with air and agony with words.
31 No, no; ’tis all men’s office to speak patience
32 To those that wring under the load of sorrow,
33 But no man’s virtue nor sufficiency
34 To be so moral when he shall endure
35 The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel:
36 My griefs cry louder than advertisement.
37 ANTONIO.
38 Therein do men from children nothing differ.
39 LEONATO.
40 I pray thee peace! I will be flesh and blood;
41 For there was never yet philosopher
42 That could endure the toothache patiently,
43 However they have writ the style of gods
44 And made a push at chance and sufferance.
45 ANTONIO.
46 Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself;
47 Make those that do offend you suffer too.
48 LEONATO.
49 There thou speak’st reason: nay, I will do so.
50 My soul doth tell me Hero is belied;
51 And that shall Claudio know; so shall the Prince,
52 And all of them that thus dishonour her.
53 ANTONIO.
54 Here comes the Prince and Claudio hastily.
55 Enter Don Pedro and Claudio.
56 DON PEDRO.
57 Good den, good den.
58 CLAUDIO.
59 Good day to both of you.
60 LEONATO.
61 Hear you, my lords,—
62 DON PEDRO.
63 We have some haste, Leonato.
64 LEONATO.
65 Some haste, my lord! well, fare you well, my lord:
66 Are you so hasty now?—well, all is one.
67 DON PEDRO.
68 Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.
69 ANTONIO.
70 If he could right himself with quarrelling,
71 Some of us would lie low.
72 CLAUDIO.
73 Who wrongs him?
74 LEONATO.
75 Marry, thou dost wrong me; thou dissembler, thou.
76 Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword;
77 I fear thee not.
78 CLAUDIO.
79 Marry, beshrew my hand,
80 If it should give your age such cause of fear.
81 In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.
82 LEONATO.
83 Tush, tush, man! never fleer and jest at me:
84 I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,
85 As, under privilege of age, to brag
86 What I have done being young, or what would do,
87 Were I not old. Know, Claudio, to thy head,
88 Thou hast so wrong’d mine innocent child and me
89 That I am forc’d to lay my reverence by,
90 And, with grey hairs and bruise of many days,
91 Do challenge thee to trial of a man.
92 I say thou hast belied mine innocent child:
93 Thy slander hath gone through and through her heart,
94 And she lies buried with her ancestors;
95 O! in a tomb where never scandal slept,
96 Save this of hers, fram’d by thy villainy!
97 CLAUDIO.
98 My villainy?
99 LEONATO.
100 Thine, Claudio; thine, I say.
101 DON PEDRO.
102 You say not right, old man.
103 LEONATO.
104 My lord, my lord,
105 I’ll prove it on his body, if he dare,
106 Despite his nice fence and his active practice,
107 His May of youth and bloom of lustihood.
108 CLAUDIO.
109 Away! I will not have to do with you.
110 LEONATO.
111 Canst thou so daff me? Thou hast kill’d my child;
112 If thou kill’st me, boy, thou shalt kill a man.
113 ANTONIO.
114 He shall kill two of us, and men indeed:
115 But that’s no matter; let him kill one first:
116 Win me and wear me; let him answer me.
117 Come, follow me, boy; come, sir boy, come, follow me.
118 Sir boy, I’ll whip you from your foining fence;
119 Nay, as I am a gentleman, I will.
120 LEONATO.
121 Brother,—
122 ANTONIO.
123 Content yourself. God knows I lov’d my niece;
124 And she is dead, slander’d to death by villains,
125 That dare as well answer a man indeed
126 As I dare take a serpent by the tongue.
127 Boys, apes, braggarts, Jacks, milksops!
128 LEONATO.
129 Brother Anthony,—
130 ANTONIO.
131 Hold you content. What, man! I know them, yea,
132 And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple,
133 Scambling, out-facing, fashion-monging boys,
134 That lie and cog and flout, deprave and slander,
135 Go antickly, show outward hideousness,
136 And speak off half a dozen dangerous words,
137 How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst;
138 And this is all!
139 LEONATO.
140 But, brother Anthony,—
141 ANTONIO.
142 Come, ’tis no matter:
143 Do not you meddle, let me deal in this.
144 DON PEDRO.
145 Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.
146 My heart is sorry for your daughter’s death;
147 But, on my honour, she was charg’d with nothing
148 But what was true and very full of proof.
149 LEONATO.
150 My lord, my lord—
151 DON PEDRO.
152 I will not hear you.
153 LEONATO.
154 No? Come, brother, away. I will be heard.—
155 ANTONIO.
156 And shall, or some of us will smart for it.
157 [Exeunt Leonato and Antonio.]
158 Enter Benedick.
159 DON PEDRO.
160 See, see; here comes the man we went to seek.
161 CLAUDIO.
162 Now, signior, what news?
163 BENEDICK.
164 Good day, my lord.
165 DON PEDRO.
166 Welcome, signior: you are almost come to part almost a fray.
167 CLAUDIO.
168 We had like to have had our two noses snapped off with two old
169 men without teeth.
170 DON PEDRO.
171 Leonato and his brother. What think’st thou? Had we
172 fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.
173 BENEDICK.
174 In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came to seek you both.
175 CLAUDIO.
176 We have been up and down to seek thee; for we are high-proof
177 melancholy, and would fain have it beaten away. Wilt thou use thy wit?
178 BENEDICK.
179 It is in my scabbard; shall I draw it?
180 DON PEDRO.
181 Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?
182 CLAUDIO.
183 Never any did so, though very many have been beside their wit. I
184 will bid thee draw, as we do the minstrels; draw, to pleasure us.
185 DON PEDRO.
186 As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thou sick, or angry?
187 CLAUDIO.
188 What, courage, man! What though care killed a cat, thou hast
189 mettle enough in thee to kill care.
190 BENEDICK.
191 Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, and you charge it
192 against me. I pray you choose another subject.
193 CLAUDIO.
194 Nay then, give him another staff: this last was broke cross.
195 DON PEDRO.
196 By this light, he changes more and more: I think he be angry indeed.
197 CLAUDIO.
198 If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.
199 BENEDICK.
200 Shall I speak a word in your ear?
201 CLAUDIO.
202 God bless me from a challenge!
203 BENEDICK.
204 [Aside to Claudio.] You are a villain, I jest not: I will
205 make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare. Do me
206 right, or I will protest your cowardice. You have killed a sweet lady, and
207 her death shall fall heavy on you. Let me hear from you.
208 CLAUDIO.
209 Well I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.
210 DON PEDRO.
211 What, a feast, a feast?
212 CLAUDIO.
213 I’ faith, I thank him; he hath bid me to a calf’s-head
214 and a capon, the which if I do not carve most curiously, say my knife’s
215 naught. Shall I not find a woodcock too?
216 BENEDICK.
217 Sir, your wit ambles well; it goes easily.
218 DON PEDRO.
219 I’ll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the
220 other day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit. ‘True,’ says
221 she, ‘a fine little one.’ ‘No,’ said I,
222 ‘a great wit.’ ‘Right,’ said she, ‘a
223 great gross one.’ ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘a good wit.’
224 ‘Just,’ said she, ‘it hurts nobody.’ ‘Nay,’
225 said I, ‘the gentleman is wise.’ ‘Certain,’
226 said she, ‘a wise gentleman.’ ‘Nay,’ said I,
227 ‘he hath the tongues.’ ‘That I believe’ said
228 she, ‘for he swore a thing to me on Monday night, which he
229 forswore on Tuesday morning: there’s a double tongue; there’s
230 two tongues.’ Thus did she, an hour together, trans-shape thy
231 particular virtues; yet at last she concluded with a sigh, thou wast
232 the properest man in Italy.
233 CLAUDIO.
234 For the which she wept heartily and said she cared not.
235 DON PEDRO.
236 Yea, that she did; but yet, for all that, an if she did not
237 hate him deadly, she would love him dearly. The old man’s daughter
238 told us all.
239 CLAUDIO.
240 All, all; and moreover, God saw him when he was hid in the garden.
241 DON PEDRO.
242 But when shall we set the savage bull’s horns on the
243 sensible Benedick’s head?
244 CLAUDIO.
245 Yea, and text underneath, ‘Here dwells Benedick the
246 married man!’
247 BENEDICK.
248 Fare you well, boy: you know my mind. I will leave you now to
249 your gossip-like humour; you break jests as braggarts do their blades,
250 which, God be thanked, hurt not. My lord, for your many courtesies I thank
251 you: I must discontinue your company. Your brother the bastard is fled
252 from Messina: you have, among you, killed a sweet and innocent lady. For
253 my Lord Lack-beard there, he and I shall meet; and till then, peace be
254 with him.
255 [Exit.]
256 DON PEDRO.
257 He is in earnest.
258 CLAUDIO.
259 In most profound earnest; and, I’ll warrant you, for
260 the love of Beatrice.
261 DON PEDRO.
262 And hath challenged thee?
263 CLAUDIO.
264 Most sincerely.
265 DON PEDRO.
266 What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his doublet and hose
267 and leaves off his wit!
268 CLAUDIO.
269 He is then a giant to an ape; but then is an ape a doctor to such
270 a man.
271 DON PEDRO.
272 But, soft you; let me be: pluck up, my heart, and be sad! Did
273 he not say my brother was fled?
274 Enter Dogberry, Verges, and the Watch, with
275 Conrade and Borachio.
276 DOGBERRY.
277 Come you, sir: if justice cannot tame you, she shall ne’er
278 weigh more reasons in her balance. Nay, an you be a cursing hypocrite
279 once, you must be looked to.
280 DON PEDRO.
281 How now! two of my brother’s men bound! Borachio, one!
282 CLAUDIO.
283 Hearken after their offence, my lord.
284 DON PEDRO.
285 Officers, what offence have these men done?
286 DOGBERRY.
287 Marry, sir, they have committed false report; moreover, they
288 have spoken untruths; secondarily, they are slanders; sixth and lastly,
289 they have belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust things; and to
290 conclude, they are lying knaves.
291 DON PEDRO.
292 First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, I ask thee what’s
293 their offence; sixth and lastly, why they are committed; and, to conclude,
294 what you lay to their charge?
295 CLAUDIO.
296 Rightly reasoned, and in his own division; and, by my troth,
297 there’s one meaning well suited.
298 DON PEDRO.
299 Who have you offended, masters, that you are thus bound to
300 your answer? This learned constable is too cunning to be understood.
301 What’s your offence?
302 BORACHIO.
303 Sweet Prince, let me go no farther to mine answer: do you hear
304 me, and let this Count kill me. I have deceived even your very eyes: what
305 your wisdoms could not discover, these shallow fools have brought to
306 light; who, in the night overheard me confessing to this man how Don John
307 your brother incensed me to slander the Lady Hero; how you were brought
308 into the orchard and saw me court Margaret in Hero’s garments; how
309 you disgraced her, when you should marry her. My villainy they have upon
310 record; which I had rather seal with my death than repeat over to my
311 shame. The lady is dead upon mine and my master’s false accusation;
312 and, briefly, I desire nothing but the reward of a villain.
313 DON PEDRO.
314 Runs not this speech like iron through your blood?
315 CLAUDIO.
316 I have drunk poison whiles he utter’d it.
317 DON PEDRO.
318 But did my brother set thee on to this?
319 BORACHIO.
320 Yea; and paid me richly for the practice of it.
321 DON PEDRO.
322 He is compos’d and fram’d of treachery:
323 And fled he is upon this villainy.
324 CLAUDIO.
325 Sweet Hero! now thy image doth appear
326 In the rare semblance that I lov’d it first.
327 DOGBERRY.
328 Come, bring away the plaintiffs: by this time our sexton hath
329 reformed Signior Leonato of the matter. And masters, do not forget to
330 specify, when time and place shall serve, that I am an ass.
331 VERGES.
332 Here, here comes Master Signior Leonato, and the sexton too.
333 Re-enter Leonato, Antonio and the Sexton.
334 LEONATO.
335 Which is the villain? Let me see his eyes,
336 That, when I note another man like him,
337 I may avoid him. Which of these is he?
338 BORACHIO.
339 If you would know your wronger, look on me.
340 LEONATO.
341 Art thou the slave that with thy breath hast kill’d
342 Mine innocent child?
343 BORACHIO.
344 Yea, even I alone.
345 LEONATO.
346 No, not so, villain; thou beliest thyself:
347 Here stand a pair of honourable men;
348 A third is fled, that had a hand in it.
349 I thank you, princes, for my daughter’s death:
350 Record it with your high and worthy deeds.
351 ’Twas bravely done, if you bethink you of it.
352 CLAUDIO.
353 I know not how to pray your patience;
354 Yet I must speak. Choose your revenge yourself;
355 Impose me to what penance your invention
356 Can lay upon my sin: yet sinn’d I not
357 But in mistaking.
358 DON PEDRO.
359 By my soul, nor I:
360 And yet, to satisfy this good old man,
361 I would bend under any heavy weight
362 That he’ll enjoin me to.
363 LEONATO.
364 I cannot bid you bid my daughter live;
365 That were impossible; but, I pray you both,
366 Possess the people in Messina here
367 How innocent she died; and if your love
368 Can labour aught in sad invention,
369 Hang her an epitaph upon her tomb,
370 And sing it to her bones: sing it tonight.
371 Tomorrow morning come you to my house,
372 And since you could not be my son-in-law,
373 Be yet my nephew. My brother hath a daughter,
374 Almost the copy of my child that’s dead,
375 And she alone is heir to both of us:
376 Give her the right you should have given her cousin,
377 And so dies my revenge.
378 CLAUDIO.
379 O noble sir,
380 Your over-kindness doth wring tears from me!
381 I do embrace your offer; and dispose
382 For henceforth of poor Claudio.
383 LEONATO.
384 Tomorrow then I will expect your coming;
385 Tonight I take my leave. This naughty man
386 Shall face to face be brought to Margaret,
387 Who, I believe, was pack’d in all this wrong,
388 Hir’d to it by your brother.
389 BORACHIO.
390 No, by my soul she was not;
391 Nor knew not what she did when she spoke to me;
392 But always hath been just and virtuous
393 In anything that I do know by her.
394 DOGBERRY.
395 Moreover, sir,—which, indeed, is not under white and black,—
396 this plaintiff here, the offender, did call me ass: I beseech you, let it
397 be remembered in his punishment. And also, the watch heard them talk of
398 one Deformed: they say he wears a key in his ear and a lock hanging by it,
399 and borrows money in God’s name, the which he hath used so long and
400 never paid, that now men grow hard-hearted, and will lend nothing for God’s
401 sake. Pray you, examine him upon that point.
402 LEONATO.
403 I thank thee for thy care and honest pains.
404 DOGBERRY.
405 Your worship speaks like a most thankful and reverent
406 youth, and I praise God for you.
407 LEONATO.
408 There’s for thy pains.
409 DOGBERRY.
410 God save the foundation!
411 LEONATO.
412 Go, I discharge thee of thy prisoner, and I thank thee.
413 DOGBERRY.
414 I leave an arrant knave with your worship; which I beseech your
415 worship to correct yourself, for the example of others. God keep your
416 worship! I wish your worship well; God restore you to health! I humbly
417 give you leave to depart, and if a merry meeting may be wished, God
418 prohibit it! Come, neighbour.
419 [Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.]
420 LEONATO.
421 Until tomorrow morning, lords, farewell.
422 ANTONIO.
423 Farewell, my lords: we look for you tomorrow.
424 DON PEDRO.
425 We will not fail.
426 CLAUDIO.
427 Tonight I’ll mourn with Hero.
428 [Exeunt Don Pedro and Claudio.]
429 LEONATO.
430 [To the Watch.] Bring you these fellows on. We’ll talk with
431 Margaret,
432 How her acquaintance grew with this lewd fellow.
433 [Exeunt.]