The Comedy Of Errors

1 Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo the
2 goldsmith and Balthasar the merchant.
3 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
4 Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all,
5 My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
6 Say that I linger’d with you at your shop
7 To see the making of her carcanet,
8 And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
9 But here’s a villain that would face me down.
10 He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
11 And charg’d him with a thousand marks in gold,
12 And that I did deny my wife and house.
13 Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
14 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
15 Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know.
16 That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
17 If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
18 Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
19 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
20 I think thou art an ass.
21 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
22 Marry, so it doth appear
23 By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
24 I should kick, being kick’d; and being at that pass,
25 You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
26 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
27 You’re sad, Signior Balthasar; pray God our cheer
28 May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
29 BALTHASAR.
30 I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
31 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
32 O, Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
33 A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
34 BALTHASAR.
35 Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
36 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
37 And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
38 BALTHASAR
39 Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
40 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
41 Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
42 But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
43 Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
44 But soft; my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.
45 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
46 Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
47 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
48 [_Within._] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
49 Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch:
50 Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store
51 When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
52 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
53 What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
54 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
55 Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
56 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
57 Who talks within there? Ho, open the door.
58 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
59 Right, sir, I’ll tell you when an you’ll tell me wherefore.
60 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
61 Wherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today.
62 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
63 Nor today here you must not; come again when you may.
64 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
65 What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?
66 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
67 The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
68 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
69 O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name;
70 The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
71 If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
72 Thou wouldst have chang’d thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.
73 Enter Luce concealed from Antipholus of Ephesus and his companions.
74 LUCE.
75 [_Within._] What a coil is there, Dromio, who are those at the gate?
76 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
77 Let my master in, Luce.
78 LUCE.
79 Faith, no, he comes too late,
80 And so tell your master.
81 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
82 O Lord, I must laugh;
83 Have at you with a proverb:—Shall I set in my staff?
84 LUCE.
85 Have at you with another: that’s—When? can you tell?
86 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
87 If thy name be called Luce,—Luce, thou hast answer’d him well.
88 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
89 Do you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?
90 LUCE.
91 I thought to have ask’d you.
92 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
93 And you said no.
94 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
95 So, come, help. Well struck, there was blow for blow.
96 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
97 Thou baggage, let me in.
98 LUCE.
99 Can you tell for whose sake?
100 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
101 Master, knock the door hard.
102 LUCE.
103 Let him knock till it ache.
104 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
105 You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
106 LUCE.
107 What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
108 Enter Adriana concealed from Antipholus of Ephesus and his companions.
109 ADRIANA.
110 [_Within._] Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
111 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
112 By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
113 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
114 Are you there, wife? you might have come before.
115 ADRIANA.
116 Your wife, sir knave? go, get you from the door.
117 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
118 If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
119 ANGELO.
120 Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain have either.
121 BALTHASAR.
122 In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
123 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
124 They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
125 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
126 There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
127 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
128 You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
129 Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold.
130 It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.
131 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
132 Go, fetch me something, I’ll break ope the gate.
133 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
134 Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
135 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
136 A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind;
137 Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
138 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
139 It seems thou want’st breaking; out upon thee, hind!
140 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
141 Here’s too much “out upon thee”; I pray thee, let me in.
142 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
143 Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
144 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
145 Well, I’ll break in; go, borrow me a crow.
146 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
147 A crow without feather; master, mean you so?
148 For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.
149 If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
150 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
151 Go, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
152 BALTHASAR.
153 Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so:
154 Herein you war against your reputation,
155 And draw within the compass of suspect
156 The unviolated honour of your wife.
157 Once this,—your long experience of her wisdom,
158 Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
159 Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
160 And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
161 Why at this time the doors are made against you.
162 Be rul’d by me; depart in patience,
163 And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
164 And about evening, come yourself alone
165 To know the reason of this strange restraint.
166 If by strong hand you offer to break in
167 Now in the stirring passage of the day,
168 A vulgar comment will be made of it;
169 And that supposed by the common rout
170 Against your yet ungalled estimation
171 That may with foul intrusion enter in,
172 And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
173 For slander lives upon succession,
174 For ever hous’d where it gets possession.
175 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
176 You have prevail’d. I will depart in quiet,
177 And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
178 I know a wench of excellent discourse,
179 Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;
180 There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
181 My wife (but, I protest, without desert)
182 Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
183 To her will we to dinner.—Get you home
184 And fetch the chain, by this I know ’tis made.
185 Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine,
186 For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow
187 (Be it for nothing but to spite my wife)
188 Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.
189 Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
190 I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
191 ANGELO.
192 I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
193 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
194 Do so; this jest shall cost me some expense.
195 [_Exeunt._]