The First Part Of King Henry The Fourth

1 Enter Prince Henry.
2 PRINCE.
3 Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room, and lend me thy hand to laugh
4 a little.
5 Enter Poins.
6 POINS.
7 Where hast been, Hal?
8 PRINCE.
9 With three or four loggerheads amongst three or fourscore hogsheads. I
10 have sounded the very base-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn
11 brother to a leash of drawers, and can call them all by their Christian
12 names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis. They take it already upon their
13 salvation, that though I be but Prince of Wales, yet I am the king of
14 courtesy, and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack, like Falstaff, but a
15 Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy,—by the Lord, so they call
16 me—and when I am King of England, I shall command all the good lads in
17 Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, “dyeing scarlet,” and when you
18 breathe in your watering, they cry “Hem!” and bid you “Play it off!” To
19 conclude, I am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour, that I
20 can drink with any tinker in his own language during my life. I tell
21 thee, Ned, thou hast lost much honour that thou wert not with me in
22 this action; but, sweet Ned—to sweeten which name of Ned, I give thee
23 this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now into my hand by an
24 underskinker, one that never spake other English in his life than
25 “Eight shillings and sixpence,” and “You are welcome,” with this shrill
26 addition, “Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint of bastard in the Half-moon,”
27 or so. But, Ned, to drive away the time till Falstaff come, I prithee,
28 do thou stand in some by-room, while I question my puny drawer to what
29 end he gave me the sugar, and do thou never leave calling “Francis,”
30 that his tale to me may be nothing but “Anon.” Step aside, and I’ll
31 show thee a precedent.
32 [_Exit Poins._]
33 POINS.
34 [_Within_] Francis!
35 PRINCE.
36 Thou art perfect.
37 POINS.
38 [_Within_] Francis!
39 Enter Francis.
40 FRANCIS.
41 Anon, anon, sir.—Look down into the Pomegarnet, Ralph.
42 PRINCE.
43 Come hither, Francis.
44 FRANCIS.
45 My lord?
46 PRINCE.
47 How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
48 FRANCIS.
49 Forsooth, five years, and as much as to—
50 POINS.
51 [_within._] Francis!
52 FRANCIS.
53 Anon, anon, sir.
54 PRINCE.
55 Five year! By’r Lady, a long lease for the clinking of pewter! But,
56 Francis, darest thou be so valiant as to play the coward with thy
57 indenture, and show it a fair pair of heels, and run from it?
58 FRANCIS.
59 O Lord, sir, I’ll be sworn upon all the books in England, I could find
60 in my heart—
61 POINS.
62 [_within._] Francis!
63 FRANCIS.
64 Anon, sir.
65 PRINCE.
66 How old art thou, Francis?
67 FRANCIS.
68 Let me see, about Michaelmas next I shall be—
69 POINS.
70 [_within._] Francis!
71 FRANCIS.
72 Anon, sir.—Pray, stay a little, my lord.
73 PRINCE.
74 Nay, but hark you, Francis, for the sugar thou gavest me, ’twas a
75 pennyworth, was’t not?
76 FRANCIS.
77 O Lord, I would it had been two!
78 PRINCE.
79 I will give thee for it a thousand pound. Ask me when thou wilt, and
80 thou shalt have it.
81 POINS.
82 [_within._] Francis!
83 FRANCIS.
84 Anon, anon.
85 PRINCE.
86 Anon, Francis? No, Francis, but tomorrow, Francis; or, Francis, a
87 Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when thou wilt. But, Francis,—
88 FRANCIS.
89 My lord?
90 PRINCE.
91 Wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, not-pated,
92 agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch—
93 FRANCIS.
94 O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
95 PRINCE.
96 Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink, for look you,
97 Francis, your white canvas doublet will sully. In Barbary, sir, it
98 cannot come to so much.
99 FRANCIS.
100 What, sir?
101 POINS.
102 [_within._] Francis!
103 PRINCE.
104 Away, you rogue! Dost thou not hear them call?
105 [_Here they both call him; the Drawer stands amazed, not knowing which
106 way to go._]
107 Enter Vintner.
108 VINTNER.
109 What, stand’st thou still, and hear’st such a calling? Look to the
110 guests within.
111 [_Exit Francis._]
112 My lord, old Sir John with half-a-dozen more are at the door. Shall I
113 let them in?
114 PRINCE.
115 Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
116 [_Exit Vintner._]
117 Poins!
118 Enter Poins.
119 POINS.
120 Anon, anon, sir.
121 PRINCE.
122 Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door; shall we
123 be merry?
124 POINS.
125 As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye, what cunning match have you
126 made with this jest of the drawer? Come, what’s the issue?
127 PRINCE.
128 I am now of all humours that have showed themselves humours since the
129 old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve
130 o’clock at midnight.
131 Enter Francis.
132 What’s o’clock, Francis?
133 FRANCIS.
134 Anon, anon, sir.
135 [_Exit Francis._]
136 PRINCE.
137 That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet
138 the son of a woman! His industry is upstairs and downstairs; his
139 eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the
140 Hotspur of the north, he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots
141 at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, “Fie upon this
142 quiet life! I want work.” “O my sweet Harry,” says she, “how many hast
143 thou killed today?” “Give my roan horse a drench,” says he; and
144 answers, “Some fourteen,” an hour after; “a trifle, a trifle.” I
145 prithee, call in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn shall
146 play Dame Mortimer his wife. _Rivo!_ says the drunkard. Call in Ribs,
147 call in Tallow.
148 Enter Falstaff, Gadshill, Bardolph and Peto; followed by Francis with
149 wine.
150 POINS.
151 Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?
152 FALSTAFF.
153 A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! Marry, and amen!
154 Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I lead this life long, I’ll sew
155 nether-stocks, and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all
156 cowards! Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?
157 [_Drinks._]
158 PRINCE.
159 Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter (pitiful-hearted
160 Titan!), that melted at the sweet tale of the sun’s? If thou didst,
161 then behold that compound.
162 FALSTAFF.
163 You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too: there is nothing but roguery
164 to be found in villainous man, yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack
165 with lime in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack. Die when
166 thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the
167 Earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives not three good men
168 unhanged in England, and one of them is fat, and grows old, God help
169 the while, a bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver; I could sing
170 psalms or anything. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
171 PRINCE.
172 How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
173 FALSTAFF.
174 A king’s son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of
175 lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese,
176 I’ll never wear hair on my face more. You, Prince of Wales!
177 PRINCE.
178 Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the matter?
179 FALSTAFF.
180 Are not you a coward? Answer me to that—and Poins there?
181 POINS.
182 Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the Lord, I’ll stab
183 thee.
184 FALSTAFF.
185 I call thee coward? I’ll see thee damned ere I call thee coward, but I
186 would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are
187 straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back. Call
188 you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! Give me
189 them that will face me.—Give me a cup of sack. I am a rogue if I drunk
190 today.
191 PRINCE.
192 O villain! Thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunk’st last.
193 FALSTAFF.
194 All is one for that. A plague of all cowards, still say I.
195 [_Drinks._]
196 PRINCE.
197 What’s the matter?
198 FALSTAFF.
199 What’s the matter? There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound
200 this day morning.
201 PRINCE.
202 Where is it, Jack, where is it?
203 FALSTAFF.
204 Where is it? Taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us.
205 PRINCE.
206 What, a hundred, man?
207 FALSTAFF.
208 I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours
209 together. I have ’scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through
210 the doublet, four through the hose, my buckler cut through and through,
211 my sword hacked like a handsaw. _Ecce signum!_ I never dealt better
212 since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards! Let them
213 speak. If they speak more or less than truth, they are villains, and
214 the sons of darkness.
215 PRINCE.
216 Speak, sirs, how was it?
217 GADSHILL.
218 We four set upon some dozen.
219 FALSTAFF.
220 Sixteen at least, my lord.
221 GADSHILL.
222 And bound them.
223 PETO.
224 No, no, they were not bound.
225 FALSTAFF.
226 You rogue, they were bound, every man of them, or I am a Jew else, an
227 Ebrew Jew.
228 GADSHILL.
229 As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.
230 FALSTAFF.
231 And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
232 PRINCE.
233 What, fought you with them all?
234 FALSTAFF.
235 All? I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of
236 them I am a bunch of radish. If there were not two or three and fifty
237 upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
238 PRINCE.
239 Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
240 FALSTAFF.
241 Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered two of them. Two I am
242 sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal,
243 if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my
244 old ward. Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram
245 let drive at me.
246 PRINCE.
247 What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.
248 FALSTAFF.
249 Four, Hal, I told thee four.
250 POINS.
251 Ay, ay, he said four.
252 FALSTAFF.
253 These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more
254 ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
255 PRINCE.
256 Seven? Why, there were but four even now.
257 FALSTAFF.
258 In buckram?
259 POINS.
260 Ay, four, in buckram suits.
261 FALSTAFF.
262 Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
263 PRINCE.
264 [_aside to Poins._] Prithee let him alone, we shall have more anon.
265 FALSTAFF.
266 Dost thou hear me, Hal?
267 PRINCE.
268 Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
269 FALSTAFF.
270 Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I
271 told thee of—
272 PRINCE.
273 So, two more already.
274 FALSTAFF.
275 Their points being broken—
276 POINS.
277 Down fell their hose.
278 FALSTAFF.
279 Began to give me ground; but I followed me close, came in foot and
280 hand, and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.
281 PRINCE.
282 O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of two!
283 FALSTAFF.
284 But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal
285 green came at my back and let drive at me, for it was so dark, Hal,
286 that thou couldst not see thy hand.
287 PRINCE.
288 These lies are like the father that begets them, gross as a mountain,
289 open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool,
290 thou whoreson, obscene greasy tallow-catch—
291 FALSTAFF.
292 What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth the truth?
293 PRINCE.
294 Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so
295 dark thou couldst not see thy hand? Come, tell us your reason. What
296 sayest thou to this?
297 POINS.
298 Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
299 FALSTAFF.
300 What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were at the strappado, or all the
301 racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a
302 reason on compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I
303 would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
304 PRINCE.
305 I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this
306 bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh—
307 FALSTAFF.
308 ’Sblood, you starveling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you
309 bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish—O, for breath to utter what is like thee!
310 You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck—
311 PRINCE.
312 Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again, and when thou hast tired
313 thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.
314 POINS.
315 Mark, Jack.
316 PRINCE.
317 We two saw you four set on four, and bound them and were masters of
318 their wealth. Mark now how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we
319 two set on you four, and, with a word, outfaced you from your prize,
320 and have it, yea, and can show it you here in the house. And, Falstaff,
321 you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and
322 roared for mercy, and still ran and roared, as ever I heard bull-calf.
323 What a slave art thou to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say
324 it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou
325 now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
326 POINS.
327 Come, let’s hear, Jack, what trick hast thou now?
328 FALSTAFF.
329 By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear you, my
330 masters, was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I turn upon
331 the true prince? Why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but
332 beware instinct. The lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a
333 great matter. I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better
334 of myself, and thee, during my life—I for a valiant lion, and thou for
335 a true prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the
336 money.—Hostess, clap to the doors. Watch tonight, pray tomorrow.
337 Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship
338 come to you! What, shall we be merry? Shall we have a play extempore?
339 PRINCE.
340 Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
341 FALSTAFF.
342 Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
343 Enter the Hostess.
344 HOSTESS.
345 O Jesu, my lord the Prince—
346 PRINCE.
347 How now, my lady the hostess! What say’st thou to me?
348 HOSTESS.
349 Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak
350 with you: he says he comes from your father.
351 PRINCE.
352 Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again
353 to my mother.
354 FALSTAFF.
355 What manner of man is he?
356 HOSTESS.
357 An old man.
358 FALSTAFF.
359 What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his
360 answer?
361 PRINCE.
362 Prithee do, Jack.
363 FALSTAFF.
364 Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
365 [_Exit._]
366 PRINCE.
367 Now, sirs: by’r Lady, you fought fair, so did you, Peto. So did you,
368 Bardolph. You are lions, too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not
369 touch the true prince, no, fie!
370 BARDOLPH.
371 Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
372 PRINCE.
373 Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so hacked?
374 PETO.
375 Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of
376 England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and
377 persuaded us to do the like.
378 BARDOLPH.
379 Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed, and
380 then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of
381 true men. I did that I did not this seven year before: I blushed to
382 hear his monstrous devices.
383 PRINCE.
384 O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert
385 taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou
386 hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou ran’st away. What
387 instinct hadst thou for it?
388 BARDOLPH.
389 My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold these exhalations?
390 PRINCE.
391 I do.
392 BARDOLPH.
393 What think you they portend?
394 PRINCE.
395 Hot livers and cold purses.
396 BARDOLPH.
397 Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
398 PRINCE.
399 No, if rightly taken, halter.
400 Enter Falstaff.
401 Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone. How now, my sweet creature
402 of bombast? How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
403 FALSTAFF.
404 My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s
405 talon in the waist. I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring:
406 a plague of sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a bladder.
407 There’s villanous news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your
408 father; you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of
409 the north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and
410 made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the
411 cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?
412 POINS.
413 O, Glendower.
414 FALSTAFF.
415 Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old
416 Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs
417 a-horseback up a hill perpendicular—
418 PRINCE.
419 He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol kills a sparrow
420 flying.
421 FALSTAFF.
422 You have hit it.
423 PRINCE.
424 So did he never the sparrow.
425 FALSTAFF.
426 Well, that rascal hath good metal in him, he will not run.
427 PRINCE.
428 Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so for running!
429 FALSTAFF.
430 A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge a foot.
431 PRINCE.
432 Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
433 FALSTAFF.
434 I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and
435 a thousand blue-caps more. Worcester is stolen away tonight; thy
436 father’s beard is turned white with the news. You may buy land now as
437 cheap as stinking mackerel.
438 PRINCE.
439 Why then, it is like if there come a hot June, and this civil buffeting
440 hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.
441 FALSTAFF.
442 By the mass, lad, thou sayest true. It is like we shall have good
443 trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? Thou
444 being heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies
445 again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil
446 Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at
447 it?
448 PRINCE.
449 Not a whit, i’faith. I lack some of thy instinct.
450 FALSTAFF.
451 Well, thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy
452 father. If thou love me practise an answer.
453 PRINCE.
454 Do thou stand for my father and examine me upon the particulars of my
455 life.
456 FALSTAFF.
457 Shall I? Content! This chair shall be my state, this dagger my sceptre,
458 and this cushion my crown.
459 PRINCE.
460 Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden sceptre for a leaden
461 dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.
462 FALSTAFF.
463 Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be
464 moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be
465 thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in
466 King Cambyses’ vein.
467 PRINCE.
468 Well, here is my leg.
469 FALSTAFF.
470 And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
471 HOSTESS.
472 O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i faith!
473 FALSTAFF.
474 Weep not, sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain.
475 HOSTESS.
476 O, the Father, how he holds his countenance!
477 FALSTAFF.
478 For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful Queen,
479 For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
480 HOSTESS.
481 O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!
482 FALSTAFF.
483 Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.—Harry, I do not only
484 marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied.
485 For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it
486 grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That thou
487 art my son I have partly thy mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but
488 chiefly a villainous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy
489 nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lies
490 the point: why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the
491 blessed sun of heaven prove a micher, and eat blackberries? A question
492 not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and take
493 purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou
494 hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of
495 pitch. This pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth
496 the company thou keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in
497 drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion; not in words
498 only, but in woes also. And yet there is a virtuous man whom I have
499 often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.
500 PRINCE.
501 What manner of man, an it like your Majesty?
502 FALSTAFF.
503 A goodly portly man, i’faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a
504 pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some
505 fifty, or, by’r Lady, inclining to threescore; and now I remember me,
506 his name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth
507 me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be
508 known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak
509 it, there is virtue in that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish.
510 And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me where hast thou been this
511 month?
512 PRINCE.
513 Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my
514 father.
515 FALSTAFF.
516 Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in
517 word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a
518 poulter’s hare.
519 PRINCE.
520 Well, here I am set.
521 FALSTAFF.
522 And here I stand. Judge, my masters.
523 PRINCE.
524 Now, Harry, whence come you?
525 FALSTAFF.
526 My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
527 PRINCE.
528 The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
529 FALSTAFF.
530 ’Sblood, my lord, they are false.—Nay, I’ll tickle ye for a young
531 prince, i’faith.
532 PRINCE.
533 Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art
534 violently carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts thee in the
535 likeness of an old fat man. A tun of man is thy companion. Why dost
536 thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of
537 beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of
538 sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
539 the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that grey iniquity, that
540 father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste
541 sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and
542 eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft? Wherein crafty, but in villany?
543 Wherein villainous, but in all things? Wherein worthy, but in nothing?
544 FALSTAFF.
545 I would your Grace would take me with you. Whom means your Grace?
546 PRINCE.
547 That villainous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old
548 white-bearded Satan.
549 FALSTAFF.
550 My lord, the man I know.
551 PRINCE.
552 I know thou dost.
553 FALSTAFF.
554 But to say I know more harm in him than in myself were to say more than
555 I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness
556 it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I
557 utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! If to
558 be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned.
559 If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved.
560 No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for
561 sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant
562 Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being as he is old Jack
563 Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy
564 Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
565 PRINCE.
566 I do, I will.
567 [_A knocking heard._]
568 [_Exeunt Hostess, Francis and Bardolph._]
569 Enter Bardolph, running.
570 BARDOLPH.
571 O, my lord, my lord, the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the
572 door.
573 FALSTAFF.
574 Out, ye rogue! Play out the play. I have much to say in the behalf of
575 that Falstaff.
576 Enter the Hostess, hastily.
577 HOSTESS.
578 O Jesu, my lord, my lord—
579 PRINCE.
580 Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick. What’s the matter?
581 HOSTESS.
582 The sheriff and all the watch are at the door. They are come to search
583 the house. Shall I let them in?
584 FALSTAFF.
585 Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit:
586 thou art essentially made without seeming so.
587 PRINCE.
588 And thou a natural coward without instinct.
589 FALSTAFF.
590 I deny your major. If you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him
591 enter. If I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my
592 bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as
593 another.
594 PRINCE.
595 Go hide thee behind the arras. The rest walk up above. Now, my masters,
596 for a true face and good conscience.
597 FALSTAFF.
598 Both which I have had, but their date is out, and therefore I’ll hide
599 me.
600 PRINCE.
601 Call in the sheriff.
602 [_Exeunt all but the Prince and Peto._]
603 Enter Sheriff and the Carrier.
604 Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
605 SHERIFF.
606 First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
607 Hath followed certain men unto this house.
608 PRINCE.
609 What men?
610 SHERIFF.
611 One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
612 A gross fat man.
613 CARRIER.
614 As fat as butter.
615 PRINCE.
616 The man I do assure you is not here,
617 For I myself at this time have employ’d him.
618 And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee,
619 That I will by tomorrow dinner-time,
620 Send him to answer thee, or any man,
621 For anything he shall be charged withal.
622 And so let me entreat you leave the house.
623 SHERIFF.
624 I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
625 Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
626 PRINCE.
627 It may be so. If he have robb’d these men,
628 He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.
629 SHERIFF.
630 Good night, my noble lord.
631 PRINCE.
632 I think it is good morrow, is it not?
633 SHERIFF.
634 Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
635 [_Exit Sheriff with the Carrier._]
636 PRINCE.
637 This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go, call him forth.
638 PETO.
639 Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.
640 PRINCE.
641 Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
642 [_He searcheth his pocket, and findeth certain papers._]
643 What hast thou found?
644 PETO.
645 Nothing but papers, my lord.
646 PRINCE.
647 Let’s see what they be. Read them.
648 PETO.
649 [_reads_]
650 Item, a capon, . . . . . . . . . . . 2s. 2d.
651 Item, sauce, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4d.
652 Item, sack, two gallons, . . . 5s. 8d.
653 Item, anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
654 Item, bread, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ob.
655 PRINCE.
656 O monstrous! But one halfpennyworth of bread to this intolerable deal
657 of sack! What there is else, keep close. We’ll read it at more
658 advantage. There let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the
659 morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable.
660 I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot, and I know his death will
661 be a march of twelve score. The money shall be paid back again with
662 advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow,
663 Peto.
664 PETO.
665 Good morrow, good my lord.
666 [_Exeunt._]