The Merry Wives Of Windsor

1 Enter Justice Shallow, Slender and Sir Hugh Evans.
2 SHALLOW.
3 Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a Star Chamber matter of it. If
4 he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
5 esquire.
6 SLENDER.
7 In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace and Coram.
8 SHALLOW.
9 Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
10 SLENDER.
11 Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who writes
12 himself “Armigero” in any bill, warrant, quittance, or
13 obligation—“Armigero.”
14 SHALLOW.
15 Ay, that I do, and have done any time these three hundred years.
16 SLENDER.
17 All his successors, gone before him hath done’t; and all his ancestors
18 that come after him may. They may give the dozen white luces in their
19 coat.
20 SHALLOW.
21 It is an old coat.
22 EVANS.
23 The dozen white louses do become an old coat well. It agrees well,
24 passant. It is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
25 SHALLOW.
26 The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an old coat.
27 SLENDER.
28 I may quarter, coz.
29 SHALLOW.
30 You may, by marrying.
31 EVANS.
32 It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
33 SHALLOW.
34 Not a whit.
35 EVANS.
36 Yes, py’r Lady. If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three
37 skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures. But that is all one. If
38 Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the
39 Church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and
40 compremises between you.
41 SHALLOW.
42 The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
43 EVANS.
44 It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There is no fear of Got in a
45 riot. The Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and
46 not to hear a riot. Take your vizaments in that.
47 SHALLOW.
48 Ha! O’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
49 EVANS.
50 It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it; and there is also
51 another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions
52 with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page,
53 which is pretty virginity.
54 SLENDER.
55 Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman?
56 EVANS.
57 It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just as you will desire,
58 and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her
59 grandsire upon his death’s-bed—Got deliver to a joyful
60 resurrections!—give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old.
61 It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire
62 a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
63 SHALLOW.
64 Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
65 EVANS.
66 Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
67 SHALLOW.
68 I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
69 EVANS.
70 Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.
71 SHALLOW.
72 Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
73 EVANS.
74 Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is
75 false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is
76 there, and I beseech you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the
77 door for Master Page.
78 [_Knocks._]
79 What, ho! Got pless your house here!
80 PAGE.
81 [_Within_.] Who’s there?
82 EVANS.
83 Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow, and here
84 young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale,
85 if matters grow to your likings.
86 Enter Page.
87 PAGE.
88 I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master
89 Shallow.
90 SHALLOW.
91 Master Page, I am glad to see you, much good do it your good heart! I
92 wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress
93 Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la, with my heart.
94 PAGE.
95 Sir, I thank you.
96 SHALLOW.
97 Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
98 PAGE.
99 I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
100 SLENDER.
101 How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on
102 Cotsall.
103 PAGE.
104 It could not be judged, sir.
105 SLENDER.
106 You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
107 SHALLOW.
108 That he will not. ’Tis your fault; ’tis your fault. ’Tis a good dog.
109 PAGE.
110 A cur, sir.
111 SHALLOW.
112 Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog, can there be more said? He is
113 good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
114 PAGE.
115 Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
116 EVANS.
117 It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
118 SHALLOW.
119 He hath wronged me, Master Page.
120 PAGE.
121 Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
122 SHALLOW.
123 If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that so, Master Page?
124 He hath wronged me, indeed he hath, at a word, he hath. Believe me.
125 Robert Shallow, esquire, saith he is wronged.
126 PAGE.
127 Here comes Sir John.
128 Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym and Pistol.
129 FALSTAFF.
130 Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King?
131 SHALLOW.
132 Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my
133 lodge.
134 FALSTAFF.
135 But not kissed your keeper’s daughter!
136 SHALLOW.
137 Tut, a pin! This shall be answered.
138 FALSTAFF.
139 I will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered.
140 SHALLOW.
141 The Council shall know this.
142 FALSTAFF.
143 ’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed
144 at.
145 EVANS.
146 _Pauca verba_, Sir John; goot worts.
147 FALSTAFF.
148 Good worts? Good cabbage!—Slender, I broke your head. What matter have
149 you against me?
150 SLENDER.
151 Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you, and against your
152 cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to
153 the tavern and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
154 BARDOLPH.
155 You Banbury cheese!
156 SLENDER.
157 Ay, it is no matter.
158 PISTOL.
159 How now, Mephostophilus?
160 SLENDER.
161 Ay, it is no matter.
162 NYM.
163 Slice, I say! _Pauca, pauca_, slice, that’s my humour.
164 SLENDER.
165 Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
166 EVANS.
167 Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand; there is three umpires in
168 this matter, as I understand: that is, Master Page, _fidelicet_ Master
169 Page; and there is myself, _fidelicet_ myself; and the three party is,
170 lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
171 PAGE.
172 We three to hear it and end it between them.
173 EVANS.
174 Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my notebook, and we will
175 afterwards ’ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can.
176 FALSTAFF.
177 Pistol!
178 PISTOL.
179 He hears with ears.
180 EVANS.
181 The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, “He hears with ear”? Why,
182 it is affectations.
183 FALSTAFF.
184 Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
185 SLENDER.
186 Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own
187 great chamber again else! Of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two
188 Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of
189 Yed Miller, by these gloves.
190 FALSTAFF.
191 Is this true, Pistol?
192 EVANS.
193 No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
194 PISTOL.
195 Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!—Sir John and master mine,
196 I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.—
197 Word of denial in thy _labras_ here!
198 Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
199 SLENDER.
200 [_Points at Nym_.] By these gloves, then, ’twas he.
201 NYM.
202 Be avised, sir, and pass good humours. I will say “marry trap with
203 you”, if you run the nuthook’s humour on me. That is the very note of
204 it.
205 SLENDER.
206 By this hat, then, he in the red face had it. For though I cannot
207 remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an
208 ass.
209 FALSTAFF.
210 What say you, Scarlet and John?
211 BARDOLPH.
212 Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his
213 five sentences.
214 EVANS.
215 It is his “five senses”. Fie, what the ignorance is!
216 BARDOLPH.
217 And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions
218 passed the careers.
219 SLENDER.
220 Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter. I’ll ne’er be
221 drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for
222 this trick. If I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear
223 of God, and not with drunken knaves.
224 EVANS.
225 So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
226 FALSTAFF.
227 You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
228 Enter Mistress Ford, Mistress Page and her daughter Anne Page with
229 wine.
230 PAGE
231 Nay, daughter, carry the wine in, we’ll drink within.
232 [_Exit Anne Page._]
233 SLENDER
234 O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page.
235 PAGE.
236 How now, Mistress Ford?
237 FALSTAFF.
238 Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met. By your leave, good
239 mistress.
240 [_Kisses her._]
241 PAGE.
242 Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to
243 dinner. Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
244 [_Exeunt all but Slender._]
245 SLENDER.
246 I had rather than forty shillings I had my book of _Songs and Sonnets_
247 here.
248 Enter Simple.
249 How now, Simple, where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I?
250 You have not the _Book of Riddles_ about you, have you?
251 SIMPLE.
252 _Book of Riddles?_ Why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon
253 Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
254 Enter Shallow and Sir Hugh Evans.
255 SHALLOW.
256 Come, coz; come, coz, we stay for you. A word with you, coz. Marry,
257 this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar
258 off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?
259 SLENDER.
260 Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be so, I shall do that
261 that is reason.
262 SHALLOW.
263 Nay, but understand me.
264 SLENDER.
265 So I do, sir.
266 EVANS.
267 Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I will description the matter
268 to you, if you be capacity of it.
269 SLENDER.
270 Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I pray you pardon me, he’s a
271 Justice of Peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
272 EVANS.
273 But that is not the question. The question is concerning your marriage.
274 SHALLOW.
275 Ay, there’s the point, sir.
276 EVANS.
277 Marry, is it; the very point of it—to Mistress Anne Page.
278 SLENDER.
279 Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
280 EVANS.
281 But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your
282 mouth, or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is
283 parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will
284 to the maid?
285 SHALLOW.
286 Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
287 SLENDER.
288 I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.
289 EVANS.
290 Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! You must speak possitable, if you can
291 carry her your desires towards her.
292 SHALLOW.
293 That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
294 SLENDER.
295 I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any
296 reason.
297 SHALLOW.
298 Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz. What I do is to pleasure you,
299 coz. Can you love the maid?
300 SLENDER.
301 I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if there be no great love
302 in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance,
303 when we are married and have more occasion to know one another. I hope
304 upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say “Marry her,” I
305 will marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
306 EVANS.
307 It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the ’ord
308 “dissolutely.” The ’ort is, according to our meaning, “resolutely.” His
309 meaning is good.
310 SHALLOW.
311 Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
312 SLENDER.
313 Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
314 SHALLOW.
315 Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
316 Enter Anne Page.
317 SHALLOW.
318 Here comes fair Mistress Anne.—Would I were young for your sake,
319 Mistress Anne.
320 ANNE.
321 The dinner is on the table, my father desires your worships’ company.
322 SHALLOW.
323 I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
324 EVANS.
325 ’Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
326 [_Exeunt Shallow and Sir Hugh Evans._]
327 ANNE
328 Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
329 SLENDER.
330 No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
331 ANNE.
332 The dinner attends you, sir.
333 SLENDER.
334 I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. [_To Simple_.] Go, sirrah,
335 for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
336 [_Exit Simple._]
337 A Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I
338 keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what
339 though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
340 ANNE.
341 I may not go in without your worship. They will not sit till you come.
342 SLENDER.
343 I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much as though I did.
344 ANNE.
345 I pray you, sir, walk in.
346 SLENDER.
347 I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day
348 with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence—three veneys
349 for a dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell
350 of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the
351 town?
352 ANNE.
353 I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
354 SLENDER.
355 I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in
356 England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
357 ANNE.
358 Ay, indeed, sir.
359 SLENDER.
360 That’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty
361 times, and have taken him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women
362 have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But women, indeed,
363 cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
364 Enter Page.
365 PAGE
366 Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for you.
367 SLENDER.
368 I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
369 PAGE.
370 By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come, come.
371 SLENDER.
372 Nay, pray you lead the way.
373 PAGE.
374 Come on, sir.
375 SLENDER.
376 Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
377 ANNE.
378 Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
379 SLENDER.
380 Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.
381 ANNE.
382 I pray you, sir.
383 SLENDER.
384 I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong,
385 indeed, la!
386 [_Exeunt._]