The Merry Wives Of Windsor

1 Enter Falstaff and Mistress Ford.
2 FALSTAFF.
3 Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are
4 obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth,
5 not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the
6 accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your
7 husband now?
8 MISTRESS FORD.
9 He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
10 MISTRESS PAGE.
11 [_Within_.] What ho, gossip Ford, what ho!
12 MISTRESS FORD.
13 Step into the chamber, Sir John.
14 [_Exit Falstaff._]
15 Enter Mistress Page.
16 MISTRESS PAGE.
17 How now, sweetheart, who’s at home besides yourself?
18 MISTRESS FORD.
19 Why, none but mine own people.
20 MISTRESS PAGE.
21 Indeed?
22 MISTRESS FORD.
23 No, certainly.
24 [_Aside to her_.] Speak louder.
25 MISTRESS PAGE.
26 Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
27 MISTRESS FORD.
28 Why?
29 MISTRESS PAGE.
30 Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on
31 yonder with my husband, so rails against all married mankind, so curses
32 all Eve’s daughters, of what complexion soever, and so buffets himself
33 on the forehead, crying “Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever
34 yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his
35 distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.
36 MISTRESS FORD.
37 Why, does he talk of him?
38 MISTRESS PAGE.
39 Of none but him, and swears he was carried out, the last time he
40 searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
41 and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
42 make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is
43 not here. Now he shall see his own foolery.
44 MISTRESS FORD.
45 How near is he, Mistress Page?
46 MISTRESS PAGE.
47 Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.
48 MISTRESS FORD.
49 I am undone! The knight is here.
50 MISTRESS PAGE.
51 Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a
52 woman are you! Away with him, away with him! Better shame than murder.
53 MISTRESS FORD.
54 Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into
55 the basket again?
56 Enter Falstaff.
57 FALSTAFF.
58 No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not go out ere he come?
59 MISTRESS PAGE.
60 Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that
61 none shall issue out, otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But
62 what make you here?
63 FALSTAFF.
64 What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.
65 MISTRESS FORD.
66 There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.
67 MISTRESS PAGE.
68 Creep into the kiln-hole.
69 FALSTAFF.
70 Where is it?
71 MISTRESS FORD.
72 He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk,
73 well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
74 places, and goes to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the
75 house.
76 FALSTAFF.
77 I’ll go out then.
78 MISTRESS PAGE.
79 If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John—unless you go
80 out disguised.
81 MISTRESS FORD.
82 How might we disguise him?
83 MISTRESS PAGE.
84 Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman’s gown big enough for him;
85 otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so
86 escape.
87 FALSTAFF.
88 Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity rather than a mischief.
89 MISTRESS FORD.
90 My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.
91 MISTRESS PAGE.
92 On my word, it will serve him. She’s as big as he is. And there’s her
93 thrummed hat, and her muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.
94 MISTRESS FORD.
95 Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for
96 your head.
97 MISTRESS PAGE.
98 Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while.
99 [_Exit Falstaff._]
100 MISTRESS FORD.
101 I would my husband would meet him in this shape. He cannot abide the
102 old woman of Brentford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house,
103 and hath threatened to beat her.
104 MISTRESS PAGE.
105 Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel and the devil guide his cudgel
106 afterwards!
107 MISTRESS FORD.
108 But is my husband coming?
109 MISTRESS PAGE.
110 Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of the basket too, howsoever he
111 hath had intelligence.
112 MISTRESS FORD.
113 We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to
114 meet him at the door with it as they did last time.
115 MISTRESS PAGE.
116 Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go dress him like the witch of
117 Brentford.
118 MISTRESS FORD.
119 I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up,
120 I’ll bring linen for him straight.
121 [_Exit Mistress Ford._]
122 MISTRESS PAGE.
123 Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot misuse him enough.
124 We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
125 Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
126 We do not act that often jest and laugh;
127 ’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.”
128 [_Exit._]
129 Enter Mistress Ford with John and Robert.
130 MISTRESS FORD.
131 Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders. Your master is hard
132 at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
133 [_Exit Mistress Ford._]
134 JOHN.
135 Come, come, take it up.
136 ROBERT.
137 Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
138 JOHN.
139 I hope not, I had lief as bear so much lead.
140 Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Sir Hugh Evans.
141 FORD
142 Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool
143 me again?—Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in
144 a basket! O you panderly rascals! There’s a knot, a gin, a pack, a
145 conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed.—What, wife, I
146 say! Come, come forth! Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
147 bleaching!
148 PAGE.
149 Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go loose any longer; you
150 must be pinioned.
151 EVANS.
152 Why, this is lunatics, this is mad as a mad dog.
153 SHALLOW.
154 Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
155 FORD.
156 So say I too, sir.
157 Enter Mistress Ford.
158 Come hither, Mistress Ford—Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest
159 wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband!
160 I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
161 MISTRESS FORD.
162 Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.
163 FORD.
164 Well said, brazen-face, hold it out.—Come forth, sirrah.
165 [_Pulls clothes out of the basket._]
166 PAGE.
167 This passes.
168 MISTRESS FORD.
169 Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.
170 FORD.
171 I shall find you anon.
172 EVANS.
173 ’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come, away.
174 FORD.
175 Empty the basket, I say.
176 MISTRESS FORD.
177 Why, man, why?
178 FORD.
179 Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house
180 yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be there again? In my house I
181 am sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
182 reasonable.—Pluck me out all the linen.
183 MISTRESS FORD.
184 If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.
185 PAGE.
186 Here’s no man.
187 SHALLOW.
188 By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford, this wrongs you.
189 EVANS.
190 Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own
191 heart. This is jealousies.
192 FORD.
193 Well, he’s not here I seek for.
194 PAGE.
195 No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
196 FORD
197 Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show
198 no colour for my extremity, let me for ever be your table-sport. Let
199 them say of me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for
200 his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once more, once more search with me.
201 [_Exeunt John and Robert with the basket._]
202 MISTRESS FORD.
203 What, ho, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband
204 will come into the chamber.
205 FORD.
206 Old woman? What old woman’s that?
207 MISTRESS FORD.
208 Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
209 FORD.
210 A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my
211 house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not
212 know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling.
213 She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this
214 is, beyond our element. We know nothing.—Come down, you witch, you hag,
215 you! Come down, I say!
216 MISTRESS FORD.
217 Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old
218 woman.
219 Enter Falstaff disguised as an old woman, led by Mistress Page.
220 MISTRESS PAGE.
221 Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
222 FORD.
223 I’ll prat her. [_Beats him_.] Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you
224 baggage, you polecat, you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll
225 fortune-tell you.
226 [_Exit Falstaff._]
227 MISTRESS PAGE.
228 Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman.
229 MISTRESS FORD.
230 Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you.
231 FORD.
232 Hang her, witch!
233 EVANS.
234 By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed. I like not when a
235 ’oman has a great peard. I spy a great peard under her muffler.
236 FORD.
237 Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow, see but the issue of
238 my jealousy. If I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I
239 open again.
240 PAGE.
241 Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen.
242 [_Exeunt Ford, Page, Caius, Evans and Shallow._]
243 MISTRESS PAGE.
244 Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
245 MISTRESS FORD.
246 Nay, by th’ mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully,
247 methought.
248 MISTRESS PAGE.
249 I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar. It hath done
250 meritorious service.
251 MISTRESS FORD.
252 What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness
253 of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
254 MISTRESS PAGE.
255 The spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him. If the devil have
256 him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think,
257 in the way of waste, attempt us again.
258 MISTRESS FORD.
259 Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
260 MISTRESS PAGE.
261 Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape the figures out of your
262 husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous
263 fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the
264 ministers.
265 MISTRESS FORD.
266 I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed, and methinks there would
267 be no period to the jest should he not be publicly shamed.
268 MISTRESS PAGE.
269 Come, to the forge with it, then shape it. I would not have things
270 cool.
271 [_Exeunt._]