The Two Noble Kinsmen

1 Enter a Schoolmaster and five Countrymen, one dressed as a Bavian.
2 SCHOOLMASTER.
3 Fie, fie,
4 What tediosity and disinsanity
5 Is here among ye! Have my rudiments
6 Been laboured so long with ye, milked unto ye,
7 And, by a figure, even the very plum-broth
8 And marrow of my understanding laid upon ye,
9 And do you still cry “Where?” and “How?” and “Wherefore?”
10 You most coarse-frieze capacities, ye jean judgements,
11 Have I said “Thus let be” and “There let be”
12 And “Then let be” and no man understand me?
13 _Proh Deum, medius fidius_, ye are all dunces!
14 For why?
15 Here stand I; here the Duke comes; there are you,
16 Close in the thicket; the Duke appears; I meet him
17 And unto him I utter learned things
18 And many figures; he hears, and nods, and hums,
19 And then cries “Rare!” and I go forward. At length
20 I fling my cap up—mark there! Then do you
21 As once did Meleager and the boar,
22 Break comely out before him; like true lovers,
23 Cast yourselves in a body decently,
24 And sweetly, by a figure, trace and turn, boys.
25 FIRST COUNTRYMAN.
26 And sweetly we will do it, Master Gerald.
27 SECOND COUNTRYMAN.
28 Draw up the company. Where’s the taborer?
29 THIRD COUNTRYMAN.
30 Why, Timothy!
31 TABORER.
32 Here, my mad boys, have at ye.
33 SCHOOLMASTER.
34 But I say, where’s their women?
35 Enter five Countrywomen.
36 FOURTH COUNTRYMAN.
37 Here’s Friz and Maudlin.
38 SECOND COUNTRYMAN.
39 And little Luce with the white legs, and bouncing Barbary.
40 FIRST COUNTRYMAN.
41 And freckled Nel, that never failed her master.
42 SCHOOLMASTER.
43 Where be your ribbons, maids? Swim with your bodies,
44 And carry it sweetly and deliverly,
45 And now and then a favour and a frisk.
46 NEL.
47 Let us alone, sir.
48 SCHOOLMASTER.
49 Where’s the rest o’ th’ music?
50 THIRD COUNTRYMAN.
51 Dispersed, as you commanded.
52 SCHOOLMASTER.
53 Couple, then,
54 And see what’s wanting. Where’s the Bavian?
55 My friend, carry your tail without offence
56 Or scandal to the ladies; and be sure
57 You tumble with audacity and manhood;
58 And when you bark, do it with judgement.
59 BAVIAN.
60 Yes, sir.
61 SCHOOLMASTER.
62 _Quo usque tandem?_ Here is a woman wanting.
63 FOURTH COUNTRYMAN.
64 We may go whistle; all the fat’s i’ th’ fire.
65 SCHOOLMASTER.
66 We have,
67 as learned authors utter, washed a tile.
68 we have been _fatuus_ and laboured vainly.
69 SECOND COUNTRYMAN.
70 This is that scornful piece, that scurvy hilding,
71 That gave her promise faithfully, she would be here,
72 Cicely, the sempster’s daughter.
73 The next gloves that I give her shall be dogskin!
74 Nay an she fail me once—You can tell, Arcas,
75 She swore by wine and bread, she would not break.
76 SCHOOLMASTER.
77 An eel and woman,
78 A learned poet says, unless by th’ tail
79 And with thy teeth thou hold, will either fail.
80 In manners this was false position.
81 FIRST COUNTRYMAN.
82 A fire ill take her; does she flinch now?
83 THIRD COUNTRYMAN.
84 What
85 Shall we determine, sir?
86 SCHOOLMASTER.
87 Nothing.
88 Our business is become a nullity,
89 Yea, and a woeful and a piteous nullity.
90 FOURTH COUNTRYMAN.
91 Now, when the credit of our town lay on it,
92 Now to be frampul, now to piss o’ th’ nettle!
93 Go thy ways; I’ll remember thee. I’ll fit thee.
94 Enter Jailer’s Daughter.
95 DAUGHTER.
96 [_Sings_.]
97 _The George Alow came from the south,
98 From the coast of Barbary-a.
99 And there he met with brave gallants of war,
100 By one, by two, by three-a._
101 _Well hailed, well hailed, you jolly gallants,
102 And whither now are you bound-a?
103 O let me have your company
104 Till I come to the sound-a._
105 _There was three fools fell out about an howlet:
106 The one said it was an owl,
107 The other he said nay,
108 The third he said it was a hawk,
109 And her bells were cut away._
110 THIRD COUNTRYMAN.
111 There’s a dainty mad woman, Master,
112 Comes i’ th’ nick, as mad as a March hare.
113 If we can get her dance, we are made again;
114 I warrant her, she’ll do the rarest gambols.
115 FIRST COUNTRYMAN.
116 A madwoman? We are made, boys.
117 SCHOOLMASTER.
118 And are you mad, good woman?
119 DAUGHTER.
120 I would be sorry else.
121 Give me your hand.
122 SCHOOLMASTER.
123 Why?
124 DAUGHTER.
125 I can tell your fortune.
126 You are a fool. Tell ten. I have posed him. Buzz!
127 Friend, you must eat no white bread; if you do,
128 Your teeth will bleed extremely. Shall we dance, ho?
129 I know you, you’re a tinker; sirrah tinker,
130 Stop no more holes but what you should.
131 SCHOOLMASTER.
132 _Dii boni!_ A tinker, damsel?
133 DAUGHTER.
134 Or a conjurer.
135 Raise me a devil now, and let him play
136 _Qui passa_ o’ th’ bells and bones.
137 SCHOOLMASTER.
138 Go, take her,
139 And fluently persuade her to a peace.
140 _Et opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis—_
141 Strike up, and lead her in.
142 SECOND COUNTRYMAN.
143 Come, lass, let’s trip it.
144 DAUGHTER.
145 I’ll lead.
146 THIRD COUNTRYMAN.
147 Do, do!
148 SCHOOLMASTER.
149 Persuasively, and cunningly.
150 Away, boys; I hear the horns. Give me some meditation,
151 And mark your cue.
152 [_Exeunt all but Schoolmaster._]
153 Pallas inspire me.
154 Enter Theseus, Pirithous, Hippolyta, Emilia, and train.
155 THESEUS.
156 This way the stag took.
157 SCHOOLMASTER.
158 Stay, and edify!
159 THESEUS.
160 What have we here?
161 PIRITHOUS.
162 Some country sport, upon my life, sir.
163 THESEUS.
164 Well, sir, go forward; we will “edify.”
165 Ladies, sit down. We’ll stay it.
166 SCHOOLMASTER.
167 Thou doughty Duke, all hail! All hail, sweet ladies!
168 THESEUS.
169 This is a cold beginning.
170 SCHOOLMASTER.
171 If you but favour, our country pastime made is.
172 We are a few of those collected here
173 That ruder tongues distinguish “villager.”
174 And to say verity, and not to fable,
175 We are a merry rout, or else a _rabble_,
176 Or company, or by a figure, _chorus_,
177 That ’fore thy dignity will dance a morris.
178 And I that am the rectifier of all,
179 By title _pædagogus_, that let fall
180 The birch upon the breeches of the small ones,
181 And humble with a ferula the tall ones,
182 Do here present this machine, or this frame.
183 And, dainty Duke, whose doughty dismal fame
184 From Dis to Dædalus, from post to pillar,
185 Is blown abroad, help me, thy poor well-willer,
186 And with thy twinkling eyes look right and straight
187 Upon this mighty _Morr_, of mickle weight.
188 _Is_ now comes in, which being glued together
189 Makes _Morris_, and the cause that we came hither.
190 The body of our sport, of no small study.
191 I first appear, though rude and raw and muddy,
192 To speak before thy noble grace this tenner,
193 At whose great feet I offer up my penner.
194 The next, the Lord of May and Lady bright,
195 The Chambermaid and Servingman, by night
196 That seek out silent hanging; then mine Host
197 And his fat Spouse, that welcomes to their cost
198 The galled traveller, and with a beck’ning
199 Informs the tapster to inflame the reck’ning.
200 Then the beest-eating Clown and next the Fool,
201 The Bavian with long tail and eke long tool,
202 _Cum multis aliis_ that make a dance.
203 Say “Ay,” and all shall presently advance.
204 THESEUS.
205 Ay, ay, by any means, dear _Domine_.
206 PIRITHOUS.
207 Produce.
208 SCHOOLMASTER.
209 _Intrate, filii!_ Come forth and foot it.
210 Music. Enter the Countrymen, Countrywomen and Jailer’s Daughter; they
211 perform a morris dance.
212 Ladies, if we have been merry
213 And have pleased ye with a derry,
214 And a derry, and a down,
215 Say the schoolmaster’s no clown.
216 Duke, if we have pleased thee too
217 And have done as good boys should do,
218 Give us but a tree or twain
219 For a Maypole, and again,
220 Ere another year run out,
221 We’ll make thee laugh, and all this rout.
222 THESEUS.
223 Take twenty, _Domine_.—How does my sweetheart?
224 HIPPOLYTA.
225 Never so pleased, sir.
226 EMILIA.
227 ’Twas an excellent dance,
228 And, for a preface, I never heard a better.
229 THESEUS.
230 Schoolmaster, I thank you.—One see’em all rewarded.
231 PIRITHOUS.
232 And here’s something to paint your pole withal.
233 [_He gives money._]
234 THESEUS.
235 Now to our sports again.
236 SCHOOLMASTER.
237 May the stag thou hunt’st stand long,
238 And thy dogs be swift and strong;
239 May they kill him without lets,
240 And the ladies eat his dowsets.
241 [_Exeunt Theseus, Pirithous, Hippolyta, Emilia, Arcite and Train. Horns
242 winded as they go out._]
243 Come, we are all made. _Dii deæque omnes_,
244 You have danced rarely, wenches.
245 [_Exeunt._]