The Two Noble Kinsmen

1 Enter Doctor, Jailer and Wooer in the habit of Palamon.
2 DOCTOR.
3 Has this advice I told you, done any good upon her?
4 WOOER.
5 O, very much. The maids that kept her company
6 Have half persuaded her that I am Palamon;
7 Within this half-hour she came smiling to me,
8 And asked me what I would eat, and when I would kiss her.
9 I told her “Presently,” and kissed her twice.
10 DOCTOR.
11 ’Twas well done. Twenty times had been far better,
12 For there the cure lies mainly.
13 WOOER.
14 Then she told me
15 She would watch with me tonight, for well she knew
16 What hour my fit would take me.
17 DOCTOR.
18 Let her do so,
19 And when your fit comes, fit her home, and presently.
20 WOOER.
21 She would have me sing.
22 DOCTOR.
23 You did so?
24 WOOER.
25 No.
26 DOCTOR.
27 ’Twas very ill done, then;
28 You should observe her every way.
29 WOOER.
30 Alas,
31 I have no voice, sir, to confirm her that way.
32 DOCTOR.
33 That’s all one, if ye make a noise.
34 If she entreat again, do anything.
35 Lie with her, if she ask you.
36 JAILER.
37 Hoa, there, doctor!
38 DOCTOR.
39 Yes, in the way of cure.
40 JAILER.
41 But first, by your leave,
42 I’ th’ way of honesty.
43 DOCTOR.
44 That’s but a niceness,
45 Ne’er cast your child away for honesty.
46 Cure her first this way; then if she will be honest,
47 She has the path before her.
48 JAILER.
49 Thank ye, Doctor.
50 DOCTOR.
51 Pray, bring her in,
52 And let’s see how she is.
53 JAILER.
54 I will, and tell her
55 Her Palamon stays for her. But, Doctor,
56 Methinks you are i’ th’ wrong still.
57 [_Exit Jailer._]
58 DOCTOR.
59 Go, go;
60 You fathers are fine fools. Her honesty?
61 An we should give her physic till we find that!
62 WOOER.
63 Why, do you think she is not honest, sir?
64 DOCTOR.
65 How old is she?
66 WOOER.
67 She’s eighteen.
68 DOCTOR.
69 She may be,
70 But that’s all one; ’tis nothing to our purpose.
71 Whate’er her father says, if you perceive
72 Her mood inclining that way that I spoke of,
73 _Videlicet_, the way of flesh—you have me?
74 WOOER.
75 Yes, very well, sir.
76 DOCTOR.
77 Please her appetite,
78 And do it home; it cures her, _ipso facto_,
79 The melancholy humour that infects her.
80 WOOER.
81 I am of your mind, Doctor.
82 Enter Jailer, Jailer’s Daughter and Maid.
83 DOCTOR.
84 You’ll find it so. She comes, pray, humour her.
85 JAILER.
86 Come, your love Palamon stays for you, child,
87 And has done this long hour, to visit you.
88 DAUGHTER.
89 I thank him for his gentle patience;
90 He’s a kind gentleman, and I am much bound to him.
91 Did you ne’er see the horse he gave me?
92 JAILER.
93 Yes.
94 DAUGHTER.
95 How do you like him?
96 JAILER.
97 He’s a very fair one.
98 DAUGHTER.
99 You never saw him dance?
100 JAILER.
101 No.
102 DAUGHTER.
103 I have often.
104 He dances very finely, very comely,
105 And for a jig, come cut and long tail to him,
106 He turns ye like a top.
107 JAILER.
108 That’s fine, indeed.
109 DAUGHTER.
110 He’ll dance the morris twenty mile an hour,
111 And that will founder the best hobby-horse
112 If I have any skill in all the parish,
113 And gallops to the tune of “Light o’ love.”
114 What think you of this horse?
115 JAILER.
116 Having these virtues,
117 I think he might be brought to play at tennis.
118 DAUGHTER.
119 Alas, that’s nothing.
120 JAILER.
121 Can he write and read too?
122 DAUGHTER.
123 A very fair hand, and casts himself th’ accounts
124 Of all his hay and provender. That hostler
125 Must rise betime that cozens him. You know
126 The chestnut mare the Duke has?
127 JAILER.
128 Very well.
129 DAUGHTER.
130 She is horribly in love with him, poor beast;
131 But he is like his master, coy and scornful.
132 JAILER.
133 What dowry has she?
134 DAUGHTER.
135 Some two hundred bottles,
136 And twenty strike of oates; but he’ll ne’er have her.
137 He lisps in’s neighing, able to entice
138 A miller’s mare. He’ll be the death of her.
139 DOCTOR.
140 What stuff she utters!
141 JAILER.
142 Make curtsy; here your love comes.
143 Enter Wooer and Doctor come forward.
144 WOOER.
145 Pretty soul,
146 How do ye? That’s a fine maid; there’s a curtsy!
147 DAUGHTER.
148 Yours to command i’ th’ way of honesty.
149 How far is’t now to’ th’ end o’ th’ world, my masters?
150 DOCTOR.
151 Why, a day’s journey, wench.
152 DAUGHTER.
153 Will you go with me?
154 WOOER.
155 What shall we do there, wench?
156 DAUGHTER.
157 Why, play at stool-ball;
158 What is there else to do?
159 WOOER.
160 I am content,
161 If we shall keep our wedding there.
162 DAUGHTER.
163 ’Tis true,
164 For there, I will assure you, we shall find
165 Some blind priest for the purpose, that will venture
166 To marry us, for here they are nice and foolish.
167 Besides, my father must be hanged tomorrow,
168 And that would be a blot i’ th’ business.
169 Are not you Palamon?
170 WOOER.
171 Do not you know me?
172 DAUGHTER.
173 Yes, but you care not for me. I have nothing
174 But this poor petticoat, and two coarse smocks.
175 WOOER.
176 That’s all one; I will have you.
177 DAUGHTER.
178 Will you surely?
179 WOOER.
180 [_Taking her hand._] Yes, by this fair hand, will I.
181 DAUGHTER.
182 We’ll to bed, then.
183 WOOER.
184 E’en when you will.
185 [_Kisses her._]
186 DAUGHTER.
187 [_Rubs off the kiss._] O sir, you would fain be nibbling.
188 WOOER.
189 Why do you rub my kiss off?
190 DAUGHTER.
191 ’Tis a sweet one,
192 And will perfume me finely against the wedding.
193 Is not this your cousin Arcite?
194 [_She indicates the Doctor._]
195 DOCTOR.
196 Yes, sweetheart,
197 And I am glad my cousin Palamon
198 Has made so fair a choice.
199 DAUGHTER.
200 Do you think he’ll have me?
201 DOCTOR.
202 Yes, without doubt.
203 DAUGHTER.
204 Do you think so too?
205 JAILER.
206 Yes.
207 DAUGHTER.
208 We shall have many children. [_To Doctor._] Lord, how you’re grown!
209 My Palamon, I hope, will grow too, finely,
210 Now he’s at liberty. Alas, poor chicken,
211 He was kept down with hard meat and ill lodging,
212 But I’ll kiss him up again.
213 Enter a Messenger.
214 MESSENGER.
215 What do you here? You’ll lose the noblest sight
216 That e’er was seen.
217 JAILER.
218 Are they i’ th’ field?
219 MESSENGER.
220 They are.
221 You bear a charge there too.
222 JAILER.
223 I’ll away straight.
224 I must e’en leave you here.
225 DOCTOR.
226 Nay, we’ll go with you;
227 I will not lose the sight.
228 JAILER.
229 How did you like her?
230 DOCTOR.
231 I’ll warrant you, within these three or four days
232 I’ll make her right again. You must not from her,
233 But still preserve her in this way.
234 WOOER.
235 I will.
236 DOCTOR.
237 Let’s get her in.
238 WOOER.
239 Come, sweet, we’ll go to dinner;
240 And then we’ll play at cards.
241 DAUGHTER.
242 And shall we kiss too?
243 WOOER.
244 A hundred times.
245 DAUGHTER.
246 And twenty.
247 WOOER.
248 Ay, and twenty.
249 DAUGHTER.
250 And then we’ll sleep together.
251 DOCTOR.
252 Take her offer.
253 WOOER.
254 Yes, marry, will we.
255 DAUGHTER.
256 But you shall not hurt me.
257 WOOER.
258 I will not, sweet.
259 DAUGHTER.
260 If you do, love, I’ll cry.
261 [_Exeunt._]