Troilus And Cressida

1 Enter Cressida and her man Alexander.
2 CRESSIDA.
3 Who were those went by?
4 ALEXANDER.
5 Queen Hecuba and Helen.
6 CRESSIDA.
7 And whither go they?
8 ALEXANDER.
9 Up to the eastern tower,
10 Whose height commands as subject all the vale,
11 To see the battle. Hector, whose patience
12 Is as a virtue fix’d, today was mov’d.
13 He chid Andromache, and struck his armourer;
14 And, like as there were husbandry in war,
15 Before the sun rose he was harness’d light,
16 And to the field goes he; where every flower
17 Did as a prophet weep what it foresaw
18 In Hector’s wrath.
19 CRESSIDA.
20 What was his cause of anger?
21 ALEXANDER.
22 The noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks
23 A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector;
24 They call him Ajax.
25 CRESSIDA.
26 Good; and what of him?
27 ALEXANDER.
28 They say he is a very man _per se_
29 And stands alone.
30 CRESSIDA.
31 So do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs.
32 ALEXANDER.
33 This man, lady, hath robb’d many beasts of their particular additions:
34 he is as valiant as the lion, churlish as the bear, slow as the
35 elephant—a man into whom nature hath so crowded humours that his valour
36 is crush’d into folly, his folly sauced with discretion. There is no
37 man hath a virtue that he hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint
38 but he carries some stain of it; he is melancholy without cause and
39 merry against the hair; he hath the joints of everything; but
40 everything so out of joint that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and
41 no use, or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.
42 CRESSIDA.
43 But how should this man, that makes me smile, make Hector angry?
44 ALEXANDER.
45 They say he yesterday cop’d Hector in the battle and struck him down,
46 the disdain and shame whereof hath ever since kept Hector fasting and
47 waking.
48 Enter Pandarus.
49 CRESSIDA.
50 Who comes here?
51 ALEXANDER.
52 Madam, your uncle Pandarus.
53 CRESSIDA.
54 Hector’s a gallant man.
55 ALEXANDER.
56 As may be in the world, lady.
57 PANDARUS.
58 What’s that? What’s that?
59 CRESSIDA.
60 Good morrow, uncle Pandarus.
61 PANDARUS.
62 Good morrow, cousin Cressid. What do you talk of?—Good morrow,
63 Alexander.—How do you, cousin? When were you at Ilium?
64 CRESSIDA.
65 This morning, uncle.
66 PANDARUS.
67 What were you talking of when I came? Was Hector arm’d and gone ere you
68 came to Ilium? Helen was not up, was she?
69 CRESSIDA.
70 Hector was gone; but Helen was not up.
71 PANDARUS.
72 E’en so. Hector was stirring early.
73 CRESSIDA.
74 That were we talking of, and of his anger.
75 PANDARUS.
76 Was he angry?
77 CRESSIDA.
78 So he says here.
79 PANDARUS.
80 True, he was so; I know the cause too; he’ll lay about him today, I can
81 tell them that. And there’s Troilus will not come far behind him; let
82 them take heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.
83 CRESSIDA.
84 What, is he angry too?
85 PANDARUS.
86 Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.
87 CRESSIDA.
88 O Jupiter! there’s no comparison.
89 PANDARUS.
90 What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know a man if you see him?
91 CRESSIDA.
92 Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him.
93 PANDARUS.
94 Well, I say Troilus is Troilus.
95 CRESSIDA.
96 Then you say as I say, for I am sure he is not Hector.
97 PANDARUS.
98 No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.
99 CRESSIDA.
100 ’Tis just to each of them: he is himself.
101 PANDARUS.
102 Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were!
103 CRESSIDA.
104 So he is.
105 PANDARUS.
106 Condition I had gone barefoot to India.
107 CRESSIDA.
108 He is not Hector.
109 PANDARUS.
110 Himself! no, he’s not himself. Would a’ were himself! Well, the gods
111 are above; time must friend or end. Well, Troilus, well! I would my
112 heart were in her body! No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.
113 CRESSIDA.
114 Excuse me.
115 PANDARUS.
116 He is elder.
117 CRESSIDA.
118 Pardon me, pardon me.
119 PANDARUS.
120 Th’other’s not come to’t; you shall tell me another tale when
121 th’other’s come to’t. Hector shall not have his wit this year.
122 CRESSIDA.
123 He shall not need it if he have his own.
124 ANDARUS.
125 Nor his qualities.
126 CRESSIDA.
127 No matter.
128 PANDARUS.
129 Nor his beauty.
130 CRESSIDA.
131 ’Twould not become him: his own’s better.
132 PANDARUS.
133 You have no judgement, niece. Helen herself swore th’other day that
134 Troilus, for a brown favour, for so ’tis, I must confess—not brown
135 neither—
136 CRESSIDA.
137 No, but brown.
138 PANDARUS.
139 Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.
140 CRESSIDA.
141 To say the truth, true and not true.
142 PANDARUS.
143 She prais’d his complexion above Paris.
144 CRESSIDA.
145 Why, Paris hath colour enough.
146 PANDARUS.
147 So he has.
148 CRESSIDA.
149 Then Troilus should have too much. If she prais’d him above, his
150 complexion is higher than his; he having colour enough, and the other
151 higher, is too flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as lief
152 Helen’s golden tongue had commended Troilus for a copper nose.
153 PANDARUS.
154 I swear to you I think Helen loves him better than Paris.
155 CRESSIDA.
156 Then she’s a merry Greek indeed.
157 PANDARUS.
158 Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th’other day into the
159 compass’d window—and you know he has not past three or four hairs on
160 his chin—
161 CRESSIDA.
162 Indeed a tapster’s arithmetic may soon bring his particulars therein to
163 a total.
164 PANDARUS.
165 Why, he is very young, and yet will he within three pound lift as much
166 as his brother Hector.
167 CRESSIDA.
168 Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?
169 PANDARUS.
170 But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came and puts me her
171 white hand to his cloven chin—
172 CRESSIDA.
173 Juno have mercy! How came it cloven?
174 PANDARUS.
175 Why, you know, ’tis dimpled. I think his smiling becomes him better
176 than any man in all Phrygia.
177 CRESSIDA.
178 O, he smiles valiantly!
179 PANDARUS.
180 Does he not?
181 CRESSIDA.
182 O yes, an ’twere a cloud in autumn!
183 PANDARUS.
184 Why, go to, then! But to prove to you that Helen loves Troilus—
185 CRESSIDA.
186 Troilus will stand to the proof, if you’ll prove it so.
187 PANDARUS.
188 Troilus! Why, he esteems her no more than I esteem an addle egg.
189 CRESSIDA.
190 If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle head, you would
191 eat chickens i’ th’ shell.
192 PANDARUS.
193 I cannot choose but laugh to think how she tickled his chin. Indeed,
194 she has a marvell’s white hand, I must needs confess.
195 CRESSIDA.
196 Without the rack.
197 PANDARUS.
198 And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.
199 CRESSIDA.
200 Alas, poor chin! Many a wart is richer.
201 PANDARUS.
202 But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laugh’d that her eyes ran
203 o’er.
204 CRESSIDA.
205 With millstones.
206 PANDARUS.
207 And Cassandra laugh’d.
208 CRESSIDA.
209 But there was a more temperate fire under the pot of her eyes. Did her
210 eyes run o’er too?
211 PANDARUS.
212 And Hector laugh’d.
213 CRESSIDA.
214 At what was all this laughing?
215 PANDARUS.
216 Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus’ chin.
217 CRESSIDA.
218 And’t had been a green hair I should have laugh’d too.
219 PANDARUS.
220 They laugh’d not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.
221 CRESSIDA.
222 What was his answer?
223 PANDARUS.
224 Quoth she ‘Here’s but two and fifty hairs on your chin, and one of them
225 is white.’
226 CRESSIDA.
227 This is her question.
228 PANDARUS.
229 That’s true; make no question of that. ‘Two and fifty hairs,’ quoth he
230 ‘and one white. That white hair is my father, and all the rest are his
231 sons.’ ‘Jupiter!’ quoth she ‘which of these hairs is Paris my husband?’
232 ‘The forked one,’ quoth he, ’pluck’t out and give it him.’ But there
233 was such laughing! and Helen so blush’d, and Paris so chaf’d; and all
234 the rest so laugh’d that it pass’d.
235 CRESSIDA.
236 So let it now; for it has been a great while going by.
237 PANDARUS.
238 Well, cousin, I told you a thing yesterday; think on’t.
239 CRESSIDA.
240 So I do.
241 PANDARUS.
242 I’ll be sworn ’tis true; he will weep you, and ’twere a man born in
243 April.
244 CRESSIDA.
245 And I’ll spring up in his tears, an ’twere a nettle against May.
246 [_Sound a retreat._]
247 PANDARUS.
248 Hark! they are coming from the field. Shall we stand up here and see
249 them as they pass toward Ilium? Good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.
250 CRESSIDA.
251 At your pleasure.
252 PANDARUS.
253 Here, here, here’s an excellent place; here we may see most bravely.
254 I’ll tell you them all by their names as they pass by; but mark Troilus
255 above the rest.
256 [Aeneas _passes_.]
257 CRESSIDA.
258 Speak not so loud.
259 PANDARUS.
260 That’s Aeneas. Is not that a brave man? He’s one of the flowers of
261 Troy, I can tell you. But mark Troilus; you shall see anon.
262 [Antenor _passes_.]
263 CRESSIDA.
264 Who’s that?
265 PANDARUS.
266 That’s Antenor. He has a shrewd wit, I can tell you; and he’s a man
267 good enough; he’s one o’ th’ soundest judgements in Troy, whosoever,
268 and a proper man of person. When comes Troilus? I’ll show you Troilus
269 anon. If he see me, you shall see him nod at me.
270 CRESSIDA.
271 Will he give you the nod?
272 PANDARUS.
273 You shall see.
274 CRESSIDA.
275 If he do, the rich shall have more.
276 [Hector _passes_.]
277 PANDARUS.
278 That’s Hector, that, that, look you, that; there’s a fellow! Go thy
279 way, Hector! There’s a brave man, niece. O brave Hector! Look how he
280 looks. There’s a countenance! Is’t not a brave man?
281 CRESSIDA.
282 O, a brave man!
283 PANDARUS.
284 Is a’ not? It does a man’s heart good. Look you what hacks are on his
285 helmet! Look you yonder, do you see? Look you there. There’s no
286 jesting; there’s laying on; take’t off who will, as they say. There be
287 hacks.
288 CRESSIDA.
289 Be those with swords?
290 PANDARUS.
291 Swords! anything, he cares not; and the devil come to him, it’s all
292 one. By God’s lid, it does one’s heart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder
293 comes Paris.
294 [Paris _passes_.]
295 Look ye yonder, niece; is’t not a gallant man too, is’t not? Why, this
296 is brave now. Who said he came hurt home today? He’s not hurt. Why,
297 this will do Helen’s heart good now, ha! Would I could see Troilus now!
298 You shall see Troilus anon.
299 [Helenus _passes_.]
300 CRESSIDA.
301 Who’s that?
302 PANDARUS.
303 That’s Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That’s
304 Helenus. I think he went not forth today. That’s Helenus.
305 CRESSIDA.
306 Can Helenus fight, uncle?
307 PANDARUS.
308 Helenus! no. Yes, he’ll fight indifferent well. I marvel where Troilus
309 is. Hark! do you not hear the people cry ‘Troilus’?—Helenus is a
310 priest.
311 CRESSIDA.
312 What sneaking fellow comes yonder?
313 [Troilus _passes_.]
314 PANDARUS.
315 Where? yonder? That’s Deiphobus. ’Tis Troilus. There’s a man, niece.
316 Hem! Brave Troilus, the prince of chivalry!
317 CRESSIDA.
318 Peace, for shame, peace!
319 PANDARUS.
320 Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon him, niece; look
321 you how his sword is bloodied, and his helm more hack’d than Hector’s;
322 and how he looks, and how he goes! O admirable youth! he never saw
323 three and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way. Had I a sister were
324 a grace or a daughter a goddess, he should take his choice. O admirable
325 man! Paris? Paris is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, to change,
326 would give an eye to boot.
327 CRESSIDA.
328 Here comes more.
329 [_Common soldiers pass_.]
330 PANDARUS.
331 Asses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran! porridge after
332 meat! I could live and die in the eyes of Troilus. Ne’er look, ne’er
333 look; the eagles are gone. Crows and daws, crows and daws! I had rather
334 be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon and all Greece.
335 CRESSIDA.
336 There is amongst the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus.
337 PANDARUS.
338 Achilles? A drayman, a porter, a very camel!
339 CRESSIDA.
340 Well, well.
341 PANDARUS.
342 Well, well! Why, have you any discretion? Have you any eyes? Do you
343 know what a man is? Is not birth, beauty, good shape, discourse,
344 manhood, learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality, and such
345 like, the spice and salt that season a man?
346 CRESSIDA.
347 Ay, a minc’d man; and then to be bak’d with no date in the pie, for
348 then the man’s date is out.
349 PANDARUS.
350 You are such a woman! A man knows not at what ward you lie.
351 CRESSIDA.
352 Upon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, to defend my wiles; upon
353 my secrecy, to defend mine honesty; my mask, to defend my beauty; and
354 you, to defend all these; and at all these wards I lie, at a thousand
355 watches.
356 PANDARUS.
357 Say one of your watches.
358 CRESSIDA.
359 Nay, I’ll watch you for that; and that’s one of the chiefest of them
360 too. If I cannot ward what I would not have hit, I can watch you for
361 telling how I took the blow; unless it swell past hiding, and then it’s
362 past watching.
363 PANDARUS.
364 You are such another!
365 Enter Troilus' Boy.
366 BOY.
367 Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you.
368 PANDARUS.
369 Where?
370 BOY.
371 At your own house; there he unarms him.
372 PANDARUS.
373 Good boy, tell him I come. [_Exit_ Boy.] I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye
374 well, good niece.
375 CRESSIDA.
376 Adieu, uncle.
377 PANDARUS.
378 I will be with you, niece, by and by.
379 CRESSIDA.
380 To bring, uncle.
381 PANDARUS.
382 Ay, a token from Troilus.
383 [_Exit_ Pandarus.]
384 CRESSIDA.
385 By the same token, you are a bawd.
386 Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love’s full sacrifice,
387 He offers in another’s enterprise;
388 But more in Troilus thousand-fold I see
389 Than in the glass of Pandar’s praise may be,
390 Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing:
391 Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing.
392 That she belov’d knows naught that knows not this:
393 Men prize the thing ungain’d more than it is.
394 That she was never yet that ever knew
395 Love got so sweet as when desire did sue;
396 Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:
397 ‘Achievement is command; ungain’d, beseech.’
398 Then though my heart’s content firm love doth bear,
399 Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.
400 [_Exit_.]