Troilus And Cressida

1 Enter Ajax and Thersites.
2 AJAX.
3 Thersites!
4 THERSITES.
5 Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all over, generally?
6 AJAX.
7 Thersites!
8 THERSITES.
9 And those boils did run—say so. Did not the general run then? Were not
10 that a botchy core?
11 AJAX.
12 Dog!
13 THERSITES.
14 Then there would come some matter from him;
15 I see none now.
16 AJAX.
17 Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel, then.
18 [_Strikes him_.]
19 THERSITES.
20 The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!
21 AJAX.
22 Speak, then, thou unsalted leaven, speak. I will beat thee into
23 handsomeness.
24 THERSITES.
25 I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness; but I think thy horse
26 will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou
27 canst strike, canst thou? A red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks!
28 AJAX.
29 Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
30 THERSITES.
31 Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
32 AJAX.
33 The proclamation!
34 THERSITES.
35 Thou art proclaim’d fool, I think.
36 AJAX.
37 Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.
38 THERSITES.
39 I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of
40 thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art
41 forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
42 AJAX.
43 I say, the proclamation.
44 THERSITES.
45 Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles; and thou art as full
46 of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty—ay, that
47 thou bark’st at him.
48 AJAX.
49 Mistress Thersites!
50 THERSITES.
51 Thou shouldst strike him.
52 AJAX.
53 Cobloaf!
54 THERSITES.
55 He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a
56 biscuit.
57 AJAX.
58 You whoreson cur!
59 [_Strikes him_.]
60 THERSITES.
61 Do, do.
62 AJAX.
63 Thou stool for a witch!
64 THERSITES.
65 Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I
66 have in mine elbows; an asinico may tutor thee. You scurvy valiant ass!
67 Thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and thou art bought and sold among
68 those of any wit like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will
69 begin at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no
70 bowels, thou!
71 AJAX.
72 You dog!
73 THERSITES.
74 You scurvy lord!
75 AJAX.
76 You cur!
77 [_Strikes him_.]
78 THERSITES.
79 Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
80 Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
81 ACHILLES.
82 Why, how now, Ajax! Wherefore do ye thus?
83 How now, Thersites! What’s the matter, man?
84 THERSITES.
85 You see him there, do you?
86 ACHILLES.
87 Ay; what’s the matter?
88 THERSITES.
89 Nay, look upon him.
90 ACHILLES.
91 So I do. What’s the matter?
92 THERSITES.
93 Nay, but regard him well.
94 ACHILLES.
95 Well! why, so I do.
96 THERSITES.
97 But yet you look not well upon him; for whosomever you take him to be,
98 he is Ajax.
99 ACHILLES.
100 I know that, fool.
101 THERSITES.
102 Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
103 AJAX.
104 Therefore I beat thee.
105 THERSITES.
106 Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His evasions have ears
107 thus long. I have bobb’d his brain more than he has beat my bones. I
108 will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the
109 ninth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles—Ajax, who wears his wit in
110 his belly and his guts in his head—I’ll tell you what I say of him.
111 ACHILLES.
112 What?
113 THERSITES.
114 I say this Ajax—
115 [_Ajax offers to strike him_.]
116 ACHILLES.
117 Nay, good Ajax.
118 THERSITES.
119 Has not so much wit—
120 ACHILLES.
121 Nay, I must hold you.
122 THERSITES.
123 As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight.
124 ACHILLES.
125 Peace, fool.
126 THERSITES.
127 I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not— he there; that
128 he; look you there.
129 AJAX.
130 O thou damned cur! I shall—
131 ACHILLES.
132 Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
133 THERSITES.
134 No, I warrant you, the fool’s will shame it.
135 PATROCLUS.
136 Good words, Thersites.
137 ACHILLES.
138 What’s the quarrel?
139 AJAX.
140 I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the proclamation, and he
141 rails upon me.
142 THERSITES.
143 I serve thee not.
144 AJAX.
145 Well, go to, go to.
146 THERSITES.
147 I serve here voluntary.
148 ACHILLES.
149 Your last service was suff’rance; ’twas not voluntary. No man is beaten
150 voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
151 THERSITES.
152 E’en so; a great deal of your wit too lies in your sinews, or else
153 there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch and knock out either of
154 your brains: a’ were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
155 ACHILLES.
156 What, with me too, Thersites?
157 THERSITES.
158 There’s Ulysses and old Nestor—whose wit was mouldy ere your grandsires
159 had nails on their toes—yoke you like draught oxen, and make you plough
160 up the wars.
161 ACHILLES.
162 What, what?
163 THERSITES.
164 Yes, good sooth. To Achilles, to Ajax, to—
165 AJAX.
166 I shall cut out your tongue.
167 THERSITES.
168 ’Tis no matter; I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.
169 PATROCLUS.
170 No more words, Thersites; peace!
171 THERSITES.
172 I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?
173 ACHILLES.
174 There’s for you, Patroclus.
175 THERSITES.
176 I will see you hang’d like clotpoles ere I come any more to your tents.
177 I will keep where there is wit stirring, and leave the faction of
178 fools.
179 [_Exit_.]
180 PATROCLUS.
181 A good riddance.
182 ACHILLES.
183 Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host,
184 That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
185 Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy,
186 Tomorrow morning, call some knight to arms
187 That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
188 Maintain I know not what; ’tis trash. Farewell.
189 AJAX.
190 Farewell. Who shall answer him?
191 ACHILLES.
192 I know not; ’tis put to lott’ry, otherwise,
193 He knew his man.
194 AJAX.
195 O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
196 [_Exeunt_.]