Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will

1 Enter Maria and Clown.
2 MARIA.
3 Nay; either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so
4 wide as a bristle may enter, in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang
5 thee for thy absence.
6 CLOWN.
7 Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no
8 colours.
9 MARIA.
10 Make that good.
11 CLOWN.
12 He shall see none to fear.
13 MARIA.
14 A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was born, of I
15 fear no colours.
16 CLOWN.
17 Where, good Mistress Mary?
18 MARIA.
19 In the wars, and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
20 CLOWN.
21 Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let
22 them use their talents.
23 MARIA.
24 Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or to be turned away;
25 is not that as good as a hanging to you?
26 CLOWN.
27 Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let
28 summer bear it out.
29 MARIA.
30 You are resolute then?
31 CLOWN.
32 Not so, neither, but I am resolved on two points.
33 MARIA.
34 That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break, your gaskins
35 fall.
36 CLOWN.
37 Apt, in good faith, very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave
38 drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.
39 MARIA.
40 Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse
41 wisely, you were best.
42 [_Exit._]
43 Enter Olivia with Malvolio.
44 CLOWN.
45 Wit, and’t be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think
46 they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I that am sure I lack
47 thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? Better a witty
48 fool than a foolish wit. God bless thee, lady!
49 OLIVIA.
50 Take the fool away.
51 CLOWN.
52 Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
53 OLIVIA.
54 Go to, y’are a dry fool; I’ll no more of you. Besides, you grow
55 dishonest.
56 CLOWN.
57 Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give
58 the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man
59 mend himself, if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let
60 the botcher mend him. Anything that’s mended is but patched; virtue
61 that transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but
62 patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if
63 it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so
64 beauty’s a flower. The lady bade take away the fool, therefore, I say
65 again, take her away.
66 OLIVIA.
67 Sir, I bade them take away you.
68 CLOWN.
69 Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, _cucullus non facit monachum:_
70 that’s as much to say, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna,
71 give me leave to prove you a fool.
72 OLIVIA.
73 Can you do it?
74 CLOWN.
75 Dexteriously, good madonna.
76 OLIVIA.
77 Make your proof.
78 CLOWN.
79 I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of virtue, answer
80 me.
81 OLIVIA.
82 Well sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll ’bide your proof.
83 CLOWN.
84 Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?
85 OLIVIA.
86 Good fool, for my brother’s death.
87 CLOWN.
88 I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
89 OLIVIA.
90 I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
91 CLOWN.
92 The more fool you, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in
93 heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
94 OLIVIA.
95 What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
96 MALVOLIO.
97 Yes; and shall do, till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that
98 decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
99 CLOWN.
100 God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your
101 folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass
102 his word for twopence that you are no fool.
103 OLIVIA.
104 How say you to that, Malvolio?
105 MALVOLIO.
106 I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal; I saw him
107 put down the other day with an ordinary fool, that has no more brain
108 than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already; unless you
109 laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest I take
110 these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than
111 the fools’ zanies.
112 OLIVIA.
113 O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered
114 appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free disposition, is to
115 take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets. There is
116 no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no
117 railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.
118 CLOWN.
119 Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well of fools!
120 Enter Maria.
121 MARIA.
122 Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak
123 with you.
124 OLIVIA.
125 From the Count Orsino, is it?
126 MARIA.
127 I know not, madam; ’tis a fair young man, and well attended.
128 OLIVIA.
129 Who of my people hold him in delay?
130 MARIA.
131 Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
132 OLIVIA.
133 Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman. Fie on him!
134 [_Exit Maria._]
135 Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am sick, or not at
136 home. What you will, to dismiss it.
137 [_Exit Malvolio._]
138 Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
139 CLOWN.
140 Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool:
141 whose skull Jove cram with brains, for here he comes, one of thy kin
142 has a most weak _pia mater_.
143 Enter Sir Toby.
144 OLIVIA.
145 By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
146 SIR TOBY.
147 A gentleman.
148 OLIVIA.
149 A gentleman? What gentleman?
150 SIR TOBY.
151 ’Tis a gentleman here. A plague o’ these pickle-herrings! How now, sot?
152 CLOWN.
153 Good Sir Toby.
154 OLIVIA.
155 Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
156 SIR TOBY.
157 Lechery! I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate.
158 OLIVIA.
159 Ay, marry, what is he?
160 SIR TOBY.
161 Let him be the devil an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I.
162 Well, it’s all one.
163 [_Exit._]
164 OLIVIA.
165 What’s a drunken man like, fool?
166 CLOWN.
167 Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes
168 him a fool, the second mads him, and a third drowns him.
169 OLIVIA.
170 Go thou and seek the coroner, and let him sit o’ my coz; for he’s in
171 the third degree of drink; he’s drowned. Go, look after him.
172 CLOWN.
173 He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.
174 [_Exit Clown._]
175 Enter Malvolio.
176 MALVOLIO.
177 Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you
178 were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes
179 to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a
180 foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What
181 is to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial.
182 OLIVIA.
183 Tell him, he shall not speak with me.
184 MALVOLIO.
185 Has been told so; and he says he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s
186 post, and be the supporter of a bench, but he’ll speak with you.
187 OLIVIA.
188 What kind o’ man is he?
189 MALVOLIO.
190 Why, of mankind.
191 OLIVIA.
192 What manner of man?
193 MALVOLIO.
194 Of very ill manner; he’ll speak with you, will you or no.
195 OLIVIA.
196 Of what personage and years is he?
197 MALVOLIO.
198 Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash
199 is before ’tis a peascod, or a codling, when ’tis almost an apple. ’Tis
200 with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very
201 well-favoured, and he speaks very shrewishly. One would think his
202 mother’s milk were scarce out of him.
203 OLIVIA.
204 Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.
205 MALVOLIO.
206 Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
207 [_Exit._]
208 Enter Maria.
209 OLIVIA.
210 Give me my veil; come, throw it o’er my face.
211 We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.
212 Enter Viola.
213 VIOLA.
214 The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
215 OLIVIA.
216 Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
217 VIOLA.
218 Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty,—I pray you, tell me if
219 this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to
220 cast away my speech; for besides that it is excellently well penned, I
221 have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no
222 scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
223 OLIVIA.
224 Whence came you, sir?
225 VIOLA.
226 I can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of
227 my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance, if you be the lady
228 of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
229 OLIVIA.
230 Are you a comedian?
231 VIOLA.
232 No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I
233 am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?
234 OLIVIA.
235 If I do not usurp myself, I am.
236 VIOLA.
237 Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours
238 to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission. I
239 will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of
240 my message.
241 OLIVIA.
242 Come to what is important in’t: I forgive you the praise.
243 VIOLA.
244 Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical.
245 OLIVIA.
246 It is the more like to be feigned; I pray you keep it in. I heard you
247 were saucy at my gates; and allowed your approach, rather to wonder at
248 you than to hear you. If you be mad, be gone; if you have reason, be
249 brief: ’tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a
250 dialogue.
251 MARIA.
252 Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.
253 VIOLA.
254 No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification
255 for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind. I am a messenger.
256 OLIVIA.
257 Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it
258 is so fearful. Speak your office.
259 VIOLA.
260 It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of
261 homage; I hold the olive in my hand: my words are as full of peace as
262 matter.
263 OLIVIA.
264 Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?
265 VIOLA.
266 The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my
267 entertainment. What I am and what I would are as secret as maidenhead:
268 to your ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation.
269 OLIVIA.
270 Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
271 [_Exit Maria._]
272 Now, sir, what is your text?
273 VIOLA.
274 Most sweet lady—
275 OLIVIA.
276 A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your
277 text?
278 VIOLA.
279 In Orsino’s bosom.
280 OLIVIA.
281 In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom?
282 VIOLA.
283 To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
284 OLIVIA.
285 O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
286 VIOLA.
287 Good madam, let me see your face.
288 OLIVIA.
289 Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? You
290 are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain and show you the
291 picture. [_Unveiling._] Look you, sir, such a one I was this present.
292 Is’t not well done?
293 VIOLA.
294 Excellently done, if God did all.
295 OLIVIA.
296 ’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather.
297 VIOLA.
298 ’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
299 Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on.
300 Lady, you are the cruel’st she alive
301 If you will lead these graces to the grave,
302 And leave the world no copy.
303 OLIVIA.
304 O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules
305 of my beauty. It shall be inventoried and every particle and utensil
306 labelled to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two grey
307 eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were
308 you sent hither to praise me?
309 VIOLA.
310 I see you what you are, you are too proud;
311 But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
312 My lord and master loves you. O, such love
313 Could be but recompens’d though you were crown’d
314 The nonpareil of beauty!
315 OLIVIA.
316 How does he love me?
317 VIOLA.
318 With adorations, fertile tears,
319 With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
320 OLIVIA.
321 Your lord does know my mind, I cannot love him:
322 Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
323 Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
324 In voices well divulg’d, free, learn’d, and valiant,
325 And in dimension and the shape of nature,
326 A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him.
327 He might have took his answer long ago.
328 VIOLA.
329 If I did love you in my master’s flame,
330 With such a suff’ring, such a deadly life,
331 In your denial I would find no sense,
332 I would not understand it.
333 OLIVIA.
334 Why, what would you?
335 VIOLA.
336 Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
337 And call upon my soul within the house;
338 Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
339 And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
340 Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
341 And make the babbling gossip of the air
342 Cry out Olivia! O, you should not rest
343 Between the elements of air and earth,
344 But you should pity me.
345 OLIVIA.
346 You might do much.
347 What is your parentage?
348 VIOLA.
349 Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
350 I am a gentleman.
351 OLIVIA.
352 Get you to your lord;
353 I cannot love him: let him send no more,
354 Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
355 To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
356 I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
357 VIOLA.
358 I am no fee’d post, lady; keep your purse;
359 My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
360 Love make his heart of flint that you shall love,
361 And let your fervour like my master’s be
362 Plac’d in contempt. Farewell, fair cruelty.
363 [_Exit._]
364 OLIVIA.
365 What is your parentage?
366 ‘Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
367 I am a gentleman.’ I’ll be sworn thou art;
368 Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit,
369 Do give thee five-fold blazon. Not too fast: soft, soft!
370 Unless the master were the man. How now?
371 Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
372 Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections
373 With an invisible and subtle stealth
374 To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
375 What ho, Malvolio!
376 Enter Malvolio.
377 MALVOLIO.
378 Here, madam, at your service.
379 OLIVIA.
380 Run after that same peevish messenger
381 The County’s man: he left this ring behind him,
382 Would I or not; tell him, I’ll none of it.
383 Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
384 Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him.
385 If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,
386 I’ll give him reasons for’t. Hie thee, Malvolio.
387 MALVOLIO.
388 Madam, I will.
389 [_Exit._]
390 OLIVIA.
391 I do I know not what, and fear to find
392 Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
393 Fate, show thy force, ourselves we do not owe.
394 What is decreed must be; and be this so!
395 [_Exit._]