Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will

1 Enter Viola and Clown with a tabor.
2 VIOLA.
3 Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live by thy tabor?
4 CLOWN.
5 No, sir, I live by the church.
6 VIOLA.
7 Art thou a churchman?
8 CLOWN.
9 No such matter, sir. I do live by the church, for I do live at my
10 house, and my house doth stand by the church.
11 VIOLA.
12 So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near
13 him; or the church stands by thy tabor, if thy tabor stand by the
14 church.
15 CLOWN.
16 You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a chev’ril glove
17 to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!
18 VIOLA.
19 Nay, that’s certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make
20 them wanton.
21 CLOWN.
22 I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.
23 VIOLA.
24 Why, man?
25 CLOWN.
26 Why, sir, her name’s a word; and to dally with that word might make my
27 sister wanton. But indeed, words are very rascals, since bonds
28 disgraced them.
29 VIOLA.
30 Thy reason, man?
31 CLOWN.
32 Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so
33 false, I am loath to prove reason with them.
34 VIOLA.
35 I warrant thou art a merry fellow, and car’st for nothing.
36 CLOWN.
37 Not so, sir, I do care for something. But in my conscience, sir, I do
38 not care for you. If that be to care for nothing, sir, I would it would
39 make you invisible.
40 VIOLA.
41 Art not thou the Lady Olivia’s fool?
42 CLOWN.
43 No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly. She will keep no fool,
44 sir, till she be married, and fools are as like husbands as pilchards
45 are to herrings, the husband’s the bigger. I am indeed not her fool,
46 but her corrupter of words.
47 VIOLA.
48 I saw thee late at the Count Orsino’s.
49 CLOWN.
50 Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines
51 everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with
52 your master as with my mistress. I think I saw your wisdom there.
53 VIOLA.
54 Nay, and thou pass upon me, I’ll no more with thee. Hold, there’s
55 expenses for thee.
56 CLOWN.
57 Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
58 VIOLA.
59 By my troth, I’ll tell thee, I am almost sick for one, though I would
60 not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within?
61 CLOWN.
62 Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?
63 VIOLA.
64 Yes, being kept together, and put to use.
65 CLOWN.
66 I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this
67 Troilus.
68 VIOLA.
69 I understand you, sir; ’tis well begged.
70 CLOWN.
71 The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida
72 was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will conster to them whence you
73 come; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin. I might say
74 “element”, but the word is overworn.
75 [_Exit._]
76 VIOLA.
77 This fellow is wise enough to play the fool,
78 And to do that well, craves a kind of wit:
79 He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
80 The quality of persons, and the time,
81 And like the haggard, check at every feather
82 That comes before his eye. This is a practice
83 As full of labour as a wise man’s art:
84 For folly, that he wisely shows, is fit;
85 But wise men, folly-fall’n, quite taint their wit.
86 Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
87 SIR TOBY.
88 Save you, gentleman.
89 VIOLA.
90 And you, sir.
91 SIR ANDREW.
92 _Dieu vous garde, monsieur._
93 VIOLA.
94 _Et vous aussi; votre serviteur._
95 SIR ANDREW.
96 I hope, sir, you are, and I am yours.
97 SIR TOBY.
98 Will you encounter the house? My niece is desirous you should enter, if
99 your trade be to her.
100 VIOLA.
101 I am bound to your niece, sir, I mean, she is the list of my voyage.
102 SIR TOBY.
103 Taste your legs, sir, put them to motion.
104 VIOLA.
105 My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean
106 by bidding me taste my legs.
107 SIR TOBY.
108 I mean, to go, sir, to enter.
109 VIOLA.
110 I will answer you with gait and entrance: but we are prevented.
111 Enter Olivia and Maria.
112 Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you!
113 SIR ANDREW.
114 That youth’s a rare courtier. ‘Rain odours,’ well.
115 VIOLA.
116 My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant and
117 vouchsafed ear.
118 SIR ANDREW.
119 ‘Odours,’ ‘pregnant,’ and ‘vouchsafed.’—I’ll get ’em all three ready.
120 OLIVIA.
121 Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.
122 [_Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Maria._]
123 Give me your hand, sir.
124 VIOLA.
125 My duty, madam, and most humble service.
126 OLIVIA.
127 What is your name?
128 VIOLA.
129 Cesario is your servant’s name, fair princess.
130 OLIVIA.
131 My servant, sir! ’Twas never merry world,
132 Since lowly feigning was call’d compliment:
133 Y’are servant to the Count Orsino, youth.
134 VIOLA.
135 And he is yours, and his must needs be yours.
136 Your servant’s servant is your servant, madam.
137 OLIVIA.
138 For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,
139 Would they were blanks rather than fill’d with me!
140 VIOLA.
141 Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts
142 On his behalf.
143 OLIVIA.
144 O, by your leave, I pray you.
145 I bade you never speak again of him.
146 But would you undertake another suit,
147 I had rather hear you to solicit that
148 Than music from the spheres.
149 VIOLA.
150 Dear lady—
151 OLIVIA.
152 Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,
153 After the last enchantment you did here,
154 A ring in chase of you. So did I abuse
155 Myself, my servant, and, I fear me, you.
156 Under your hard construction must I sit;
157 To force that on you in a shameful cunning,
158 Which you knew none of yours. What might you think?
159 Have you not set mine honour at the stake,
160 And baited it with all th’ unmuzzled thoughts
161 That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving
162 Enough is shown. A cypress, not a bosom,
163 Hides my heart: so let me hear you speak.
164 VIOLA.
165 I pity you.
166 OLIVIA.
167 That’s a degree to love.
168 VIOLA.
169 No, not a grize; for ’tis a vulgar proof
170 That very oft we pity enemies.
171 OLIVIA.
172 Why then methinks ’tis time to smile again.
173 O world, how apt the poor are to be proud!
174 If one should be a prey, how much the better
175 To fall before the lion than the wolf! [_Clock strikes._]
176 The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.
177 Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you.
178 And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,
179 Your wife is like to reap a proper man.
180 There lies your way, due west.
181 VIOLA.
182 Then westward ho!
183 Grace and good disposition attend your ladyship!
184 You’ll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?
185 OLIVIA.
186 Stay:
187 I prithee tell me what thou think’st of me.
188 VIOLA.
189 That you do think you are not what you are.
190 OLIVIA.
191 If I think so, I think the same of you.
192 VIOLA.
193 Then think you right; I am not what I am.
194 OLIVIA.
195 I would you were as I would have you be.
196 VIOLA.
197 Would it be better, madam, than I am?
198 I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
199 OLIVIA.
200 O what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
201 In the contempt and anger of his lip!
202 A murd’rous guilt shows not itself more soon
203 Than love that would seem hid. Love’s night is noon.
204 Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
205 By maidhood, honour, truth, and everything,
206 I love thee so, that maugre all thy pride,
207 Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
208 Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
209 For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause;
210 But rather reason thus with reason fetter:
211 Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.
212 VIOLA.
213 By innocence I swear, and by my youth,
214 I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth,
215 And that no woman has; nor never none
216 Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
217 And so adieu, good madam; never more
218 Will I my master’s tears to you deplore.
219 OLIVIA.
220 Yet come again: for thou perhaps mayst move
221 That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
222 [_Exeunt._]