Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will

1 Enter Maria and Clown.
2 MARIA.
3 Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou
4 art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
5 [_Exit Maria._]
6 CLOWN.
7 Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I
8 were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall
9 enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a
10 good student, but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper goes
11 as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors
12 enter.
13 Enter Sir Toby and Maria.
14 SIR TOBY.
15 Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
16 CLOWN.
17 _Bonos dies_, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw
18 pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that
19 is, is’: so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is
20 ‘that’ but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
21 SIR TOBY.
22 To him, Sir Topas.
23 CLOWN.
24 What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
25 SIR TOBY.
26 The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.
27 Malvolio within.
28 MALVOLIO.
29 Who calls there?
30 CLOWN.
31 Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
32 MALVOLIO.
33 Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
34 CLOWN.
35 Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? Talkest thou nothing
36 but of ladies?
37 SIR TOBY.
38 Well said, Master Parson.
39 MALVOLIO.
40 Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I
41 am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
42 CLOWN.
43 Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I
44 am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with
45 courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?
46 MALVOLIO.
47 As hell, Sir Topas.
48 CLOWN.
49 Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
50 clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet
51 complainest thou of obstruction?
52 MALVOLIO.
53 I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.
54 CLOWN.
55 Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which
56 thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
57 MALVOLIO.
58 I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark
59 as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad
60 than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
61 CLOWN.
62 What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
63 MALVOLIO.
64 That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
65 CLOWN.
66 What think’st thou of his opinion?
67 MALVOLIO.
68 I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
69 CLOWN.
70 Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the
71 opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a
72 woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
73 MALVOLIO.
74 Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
75 SIR TOBY.
76 My most exquisite Sir Topas!
77 CLOWN.
78 Nay, I am for all waters.
79 MARIA.
80 Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee
81 not.
82 SIR TOBY.
83 To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find’st him. I
84 would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently
85 delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my
86 niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot.
87 Come by and by to my chamber.
88 [_Exeunt Sir Toby and Maria._]
89 CLOWN.
90 [_Singing._]
91 _Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
92 Tell me how thy lady does._
93 MALVOLIO.
94 Fool!
95 CLOWN.
96 _My lady is unkind, perdy._
97 MALVOLIO.
98 Fool!
99 CLOWN.
100 _Alas, why is she so?_
101 MALVOLIO.
102 Fool, I say!
103 CLOWN.
104 _She loves another_—
105 Who calls, ha?
106 MALVOLIO.
107 Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a
108 candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be
109 thankful to thee for’t.
110 CLOWN.
111 Master Malvolio?
112 MALVOLIO.
113 Ay, good fool.
114 CLOWN.
115 Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
116 MALVOLIO.
117 Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my
118 wits, fool, as thou art.
119 CLOWN.
120 But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits
121 than a fool.
122 MALVOLIO.
123 They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to
124 me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
125 CLOWN.
126 Advise you what you say: the minister is here. [_As Sir Topas_]
127 Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to
128 sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
129 MALVOLIO.
130 Sir Topas!
131 CLOWN.
132 [_As Sir Topas_] Maintain no words with him, good fellow. [_As
133 himself_] Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas. [_As
134 Sir Topas_] Marry, amen. [_As himself_] I will sir, I will.
135 MALVOLIO.
136 Fool, fool, fool, I say!
137 CLOWN.
138 Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to
139 you.
140 MALVOLIO.
141 Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as
142 well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
143 CLOWN.
144 Well-a-day that you were, sir!
145 MALVOLIO.
146 By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey
147 what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever
148 the bearing of letter did.
149 CLOWN.
150 I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do
151 you but counterfeit?
152 MALVOLIO.
153 Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.
154 CLOWN.
155 Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch
156 you light, and paper, and ink.
157 MALVOLIO.
158 Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee be gone.
159 CLOWN.
160 [_Singing._]
161 _I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,
162 I’ll be with you again,
163 In a trice, like to the old Vice,
164 Your need to sustain;
165 Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,
166 Cries ‘ah, ha!’ to the devil:
167 Like a mad lad, ‘Pare thy nails, dad.
168 Adieu, goodman devil.’_
169 [_Exit._]