Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will

1 Enter Clown and Fabian.
2 FABIAN.
3 Now, as thou lov’st me, let me see his letter.
4 CLOWN.
5 Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
6 FABIAN.
7 Anything.
8 CLOWN.
9 Do not desire to see this letter.
10 FABIAN.
11 This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.
12 Enter Duke, Viola, Curio and Lords.
13 DUKE.
14 Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
15 CLOWN.
16 Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.
17 DUKE.
18 I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?
19 CLOWN.
20 Truly, sir, the better for my foes, and the worse for my friends.
21 DUKE.
22 Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
23 CLOWN.
24 No, sir, the worse.
25 DUKE.
26 How can that be?
27 CLOWN.
28 Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of me. Now my foes tell me
29 plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge
30 of myself, and by my friends I am abused. So that, conclusions to be as
31 kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then,
32 the worse for my friends, and the better for my foes.
33 DUKE.
34 Why, this is excellent.
35 CLOWN.
36 By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.
37 DUKE.
38 Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there’s gold.
39 CLOWN.
40 But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it
41 another.
42 DUKE.
43 O, you give me ill counsel.
44 CLOWN.
45 Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh
46 and blood obey it.
47 DUKE.
48 Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there’s
49 another.
50 CLOWN.
51 _Primo, secundo, tertio_, is a good play, and the old saying is, the
52 third pays for all; the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or
53 the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind—one, two, three.
54 DUKE.
55 You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let
56 your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with
57 you, it may awake my bounty further.
58 CLOWN.
59 Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I
60 would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of
61 covetousness: but as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will
62 awake it anon.
63 [_Exit Clown._]
64 Enter Antonio and Officers.
65 VIOLA.
66 Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
67 DUKE.
68 That face of his I do remember well.
69 Yet when I saw it last it was besmear’d
70 As black as Vulcan, in the smoke of war.
71 A baubling vessel was he captain of,
72 For shallow draught and bulk unprizable,
73 With which such scathful grapple did he make
74 With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
75 That very envy and the tongue of loss
76 Cried fame and honour on him. What’s the matter?
77 FIRST OFFICER.
78 Orsino, this is that Antonio
79 That took the _Phoenix_ and her fraught from Candy,
80 And this is he that did the _Tiger_ board
81 When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.
82 Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
83 In private brabble did we apprehend him.
84 VIOLA.
85 He did me kindness, sir; drew on my side,
86 But in conclusion, put strange speech upon me.
87 I know not what ’twas, but distraction.
88 DUKE.
89 Notable pirate, thou salt-water thief,
90 What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
91 Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
92 Hast made thine enemies?
93 ANTONIO.
94 Orsino, noble sir,
95 Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
96 Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
97 Though, I confess, on base and ground enough,
98 Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
99 That most ingrateful boy there by your side
100 From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth
101 Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was.
102 His life I gave him, and did thereto add
103 My love, without retention or restraint,
104 All his in dedication. For his sake
105 Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
106 Into the danger of this adverse town;
107 Drew to defend him when he was beset;
108 Where being apprehended, his false cunning
109 (Not meaning to partake with me in danger)
110 Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
111 And grew a twenty years’ removed thing
112 While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
113 Which I had recommended to his use
114 Not half an hour before.
115 VIOLA.
116 How can this be?
117 DUKE.
118 When came he to this town?
119 ANTONIO.
120 Today, my lord; and for three months before,
121 No int’rim, not a minute’s vacancy,
122 Both day and night did we keep company.
123 Enter Olivia and Attendants.
124 DUKE.
125 Here comes the Countess, now heaven walks on earth.
126 But for thee, fellow, fellow, thy words are madness.
127 Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
128 But more of that anon. Take him aside.
129 OLIVIA.
130 What would my lord, but that he may not have,
131 Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
132 Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
133 VIOLA.
134 Madam?
135 DUKE.
136 Gracious Olivia—
137 OLIVIA.
138 What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord—
139 VIOLA.
140 My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.
141 OLIVIA.
142 If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
143 It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
144 As howling after music.
145 DUKE.
146 Still so cruel?
147 OLIVIA.
148 Still so constant, lord.
149 DUKE.
150 What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,
151 To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
152 My soul the faithfull’st off’rings hath breathed out
153 That e’er devotion tender’d! What shall I do?
154 OLIVIA.
155 Even what it please my lord that shall become him.
156 DUKE.
157 Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
158 Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
159 Kill what I love?—a savage jealousy
160 That sometime savours nobly. But hear me this:
161 Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
162 And that I partly know the instrument
163 That screws me from my true place in your favour,
164 Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.
165 But this your minion, whom I know you love,
166 And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
167 Him will I tear out of that cruel eye
168 Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.—
169 Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
170 I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
171 To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.
172 VIOLA.
173 And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly,
174 To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
175 OLIVIA.
176 Where goes Cesario?
177 VIOLA.
178 After him I love
179 More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
180 More, by all mores, than e’er I shall love wife.
181 If I do feign, you witnesses above
182 Punish my life for tainting of my love.
183 OLIVIA.
184 Ah me, detested! how am I beguil’d!
185 VIOLA.
186 Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?
187 OLIVIA.
188 Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?
189 Call forth the holy father.
190 [_Exit an Attendant._]
191 DUKE.
192 [_To Viola._] Come, away!
193 OLIVIA.
194 Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
195 DUKE.
196 Husband?
197 OLIVIA.
198 Ay, husband. Can he that deny?
199 DUKE.
200 Her husband, sirrah?
201 VIOLA.
202 No, my lord, not I.
203 OLIVIA.
204 Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
205 That makes thee strangle thy propriety.
206 Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up.
207 Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art
208 As great as that thou fear’st.
209 Enter Priest.
210 O, welcome, father!
211 Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence
212 Here to unfold—though lately we intended
213 To keep in darkness what occasion now
214 Reveals before ’tis ripe—what thou dost know
215 Hath newly passed between this youth and me.
216 PRIEST.
217 A contract of eternal bond of love,
218 Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands,
219 Attested by the holy close of lips,
220 Strengthen’d by interchangement of your rings,
221 And all the ceremony of this compact
222 Sealed in my function, by my testimony;
223 Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave,
224 I have travelled but two hours.
225 DUKE.
226 O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be
227 When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?
228 Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow
229 That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
230 Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
231 Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
232 VIOLA.
233 My lord, I do protest—
234 OLIVIA.
235 O, do not swear.
236 Hold little faith, though thou has too much fear.
237 Enter Sir Andrew.
238 SIR ANDREW.
239 For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby.
240 OLIVIA.
241 What’s the matter?
242 SIR ANDREW.
243 ’Has broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too.
244 For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at
245 home.
246 OLIVIA.
247 Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
248 SIR ANDREW.
249 The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a coward, but he’s
250 the very devil incardinate.
251 DUKE.
252 My gentleman, Cesario?
253 SIR ANDREW.
254 ’Od’s lifelings, here he is!—You broke my head for nothing; and that
255 that I did, I was set on to do’t by Sir Toby.
256 VIOLA.
257 Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
258 You drew your sword upon me without cause,
259 But I bespake you fair and hurt you not.
260 Enter Sir Toby, drunk, led by the Clown.
261 SIR ANDREW.
262 If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me. I think you set
263 nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir Toby halting, you shall
264 hear more: but if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you
265 othergates than he did.
266 DUKE.
267 How now, gentleman? How is’t with you?
268 SIR TOBY.
269 That’s all one; ’has hurt me, and there’s th’ end on’t. Sot, didst see
270 Dick Surgeon, sot?
271 CLOWN.
272 O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i’
273 th’ morning.
274 SIR TOBY.
275 Then he’s a rogue, and a passy measures pavin. I hate a drunken rogue.
276 OLIVIA.
277 Away with him. Who hath made this havoc with them?
278 SIR ANDREW.
279 I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together.
280 SIR TOBY.
281 Will you help? An ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced
282 knave, a gull?
283 OLIVIA.
284 Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.
285 [_Exeunt Clown, Fabian, Sir Toby and Sir Andrew._]
286 Enter Sebastian.
287 SEBASTIAN.
288 I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman;
289 But had it been the brother of my blood,
290 I must have done no less with wit and safety.
291 You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
292 I do perceive it hath offended you.
293 Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
294 We made each other but so late ago.
295 DUKE.
296 One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons!
297 A natural perspective, that is, and is not!
298 SEBASTIAN.
299 Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
300 How have the hours rack’d and tortur’d me
301 Since I have lost thee.
302 ANTONIO.
303 Sebastian are you?
304 SEBASTIAN.
305 Fear’st thou that, Antonio?
306 ANTONIO.
307 How have you made division of yourself?
308 An apple cleft in two is not more twin
309 Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
310 OLIVIA.
311 Most wonderful!
312 SEBASTIAN.
313 Do I stand there? I never had a brother:
314 Nor can there be that deity in my nature
315 Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,
316 Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured.
317 Of charity, what kin are you to me?
318 What countryman? What name? What parentage?
319 VIOLA.
320 Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
321 Such a Sebastian was my brother too:
322 So went he suited to his watery tomb.
323 If spirits can assume both form and suit,
324 You come to fright us.
325 SEBASTIAN.
326 A spirit I am indeed,
327 But am in that dimension grossly clad,
328 Which from the womb I did participate.
329 Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
330 I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
331 And say, ‘Thrice welcome, drowned Viola.’
332 VIOLA.
333 My father had a mole upon his brow.
334 SEBASTIAN.
335 And so had mine.
336 VIOLA.
337 And died that day when Viola from her birth
338 Had numbered thirteen years.
339 SEBASTIAN.
340 O, that record is lively in my soul!
341 He finished indeed his mortal act
342 That day that made my sister thirteen years.
343 VIOLA.
344 If nothing lets to make us happy both
345 But this my masculine usurp’d attire,
346 Do not embrace me till each circumstance
347 Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
348 That I am Viola; which to confirm,
349 I’ll bring you to a captain in this town,
350 Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help
351 I was preserv’d to serve this noble count.
352 All the occurrence of my fortune since
353 Hath been between this lady and this lord.
354 SEBASTIAN.
355 [_To Olivia._] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook.
356 But nature to her bias drew in that.
357 You would have been contracted to a maid;
358 Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived:
359 You are betroth’d both to a maid and man.
360 DUKE.
361 Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.
362 If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
363 I shall have share in this most happy wreck.
364 [_To Viola._] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
365 Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.
366 VIOLA.
367 And all those sayings will I over-swear,
368 And all those swearings keep as true in soul
369 As doth that orbed continent the fire
370 That severs day from night.
371 DUKE.
372 Give me thy hand,
373 And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.
374 VIOLA.
375 The captain that did bring me first on shore
376 Hath my maid’s garments. He, upon some action,
377 Is now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit,
378 A gentleman and follower of my lady’s.
379 OLIVIA.
380 He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither.
381 And yet, alas, now I remember me,
382 They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract.
383 Enter Clown, with a letter and Fabian.
384 A most extracting frenzy of mine own
385 From my remembrance clearly banished his.
386 How does he, sirrah?
387 CLOWN.
388 Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in
389 his case may do. Has here writ a letter to you. I should have given it
390 you today morning, but as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it
391 skills not much when they are delivered.
392 OLIVIA.
393 Open ’t, and read it.
394 CLOWN.
395 Look then to be well edified, when the fool delivers the madman. _By
396 the Lord, madam,—_
397 OLIVIA.
398 How now, art thou mad?
399 CLOWN.
400 No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship will have it as it
401 ought to be, you must allow _vox_.
402 OLIVIA.
403 Prithee, read i’ thy right wits.
404 CLOWN.
405 So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to read thus; therefore
406 perpend, my princess, and give ear.
407 OLIVIA.
408 [_To Fabian._] Read it you, sirrah.
409 FABIAN.
410 [_Reads._] _By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know
411 it. Though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin
412 rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your
413 ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put
414 on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right or you much
415 shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought
416 of, and speak out of my injury.
417 The madly-used Malvolio._
418 OLIVIA.
419 Did he write this?
420 CLOWN.
421 Ay, madam.
422 DUKE.
423 This savours not much of distraction.
424 OLIVIA.
425 See him delivered, Fabian, bring him hither.
426 [_Exit Fabian._]
427 My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,
428 To think me as well a sister, as a wife,
429 One day shall crown th’ alliance on’t, so please you,
430 Here at my house, and at my proper cost.
431 DUKE.
432 Madam, I am most apt t’ embrace your offer.
433 [_To Viola._] Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
434 So much against the mettle of your sex,
435 So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
436 And since you call’d me master for so long,
437 Here is my hand; you shall from this time be
438 Your master’s mistress.
439 OLIVIA.
440 A sister? You are she.
441 Enter Fabian and Malvolio.
442 DUKE.
443 Is this the madman?
444 OLIVIA.
445 Ay, my lord, this same.
446 How now, Malvolio?
447 MALVOLIO.
448 Madam, you have done me wrong,
449 Notorious wrong.
450 OLIVIA.
451 Have I, Malvolio? No.
452 MALVOLIO.
453 Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.
454 You must not now deny it is your hand,
455 Write from it, if you can, in hand, or phrase,
456 Or say ’tis not your seal, not your invention:
457 You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,
458 And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
459 Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
460 Bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you,
461 To put on yellow stockings, and to frown
462 Upon Sir Toby, and the lighter people;
463 And acting this in an obedient hope,
464 Why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d,
465 Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
466 And made the most notorious geck and gull
467 That e’er invention played on? Tell me why?
468 OLIVIA.
469 Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
470 Though I confess, much like the character:
471 But out of question, ’tis Maria’s hand.
472 And now I do bethink me, it was she
473 First told me thou wast mad; then cam’st in smiling,
474 And in such forms which here were presuppos’d
475 Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content.
476 This practice hath most shrewdly pass’d upon thee.
477 But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
478 Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
479 Of thine own cause.
480 FABIAN.
481 Good madam, hear me speak,
482 And let no quarrel, nor no brawl to come,
483 Taint the condition of this present hour,
484 Which I have wonder’d at. In hope it shall not,
485 Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
486 Set this device against Malvolio here,
487 Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
488 We had conceiv’d against him. Maria writ
489 The letter, at Sir Toby’s great importance,
490 In recompense whereof he hath married her.
491 How with a sportful malice it was follow’d
492 May rather pluck on laughter than revenge,
493 If that the injuries be justly weigh’d
494 That have on both sides passed.
495 OLIVIA.
496 Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
497 CLOWN.
498 Why, ‘some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have
499 greatness thrown upon them.’ I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir
500 Topas, sir, but that’s all one. ‘By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.’ But
501 do you remember? ‘Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? And you
502 smile not, he’s gagged’? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his
503 revenges.
504 MALVOLIO.
505 I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you.
506 [_Exit._]
507 OLIVIA.
508 He hath been most notoriously abus’d.
509 DUKE.
510 Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace:
511 He hath not told us of the captain yet.
512 When that is known, and golden time convents,
513 A solemn combination shall be made
514 Of our dear souls.—Meantime, sweet sister,
515 We will not part from hence.—Cesario, come:
516 For so you shall be while you are a man;
517 But when in other habits you are seen,
518 Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen.
519 [_Exeunt._]
520 Clown sings.
521 _ When that I was and a little tiny boy,
522 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
523 A foolish thing was but a toy,
524 For the rain it raineth every day._
525 _ But when I came to man’s estate,
526 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
527 ’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
528 For the rain it raineth every day._
529 _ But when I came, alas, to wive,
530 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
531 By swaggering could I never thrive,
532 For the rain it raineth every day._
533 _ But when I came unto my beds,
534 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
535 With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
536 For the rain it raineth every day._
537 _ A great while ago the world begun,
538 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
539 But that’s all one, our play is done,
540 And we’ll strive to please you every day._
541 [_Exit._]