All’s Well That Ends Well

1 Enter the two French Lords and two or three Soldiers.
2 FIRST LORD.
3 You have not given him his mother’s letter?
4 SECOND LORD.
5 I have deliv’red it an hour since; there is something in’t that stings
6 his nature; for on the reading it, he chang’d almost into another man.
7 FIRST LORD.
8 He has much worthy blame laid upon him for shaking off so good a wife
9 and so sweet a lady.
10 SECOND LORD.
11 Especially he hath incurred the everlasting displeasure of the king,
12 who had even tun’d his bounty to sing happiness to him. I will tell you
13 a thing, but you shall let it dwell darkly with you.
14 FIRST LORD.
15 When you have spoken it, ’tis dead, and I am the grave of it.
16 SECOND LORD.
17 He hath perverted a young gentlewoman here in Florence, of a most
18 chaste renown, and this night he fleshes his will in the spoil of her
19 honour; he hath given her his monumental ring, and thinks himself made
20 in the unchaste composition.
21 FIRST LORD.
22 Now, God delay our rebellion! As we are ourselves, what things are we!
23 SECOND LORD.
24 Merely our own traitors. And as in the common course of all treasons,
25 we still see them reveal themselves till they attain to their abhorr’d
26 ends; so he that in this action contrives against his own nobility, in
27 his proper stream, o’erflows himself.
28 FIRST LORD.
29 Is it not meant damnable in us to be trumpeters of our unlawful
30 intents? We shall not then have his company tonight?
31 SECOND LORD.
32 Not till after midnight; for he is dieted to his hour.
33 FIRST LORD.
34 That approaches apace. I would gladly have him see his company
35 anatomized, that he might take a measure of his own judgments, wherein
36 so curiously he had set this counterfeit.
37 SECOND LORD.
38 We will not meddle with him till he come; for his presence must be the
39 whip of the other.
40 FIRST LORD.
41 In the meantime, what hear you of these wars?
42 SECOND LORD.
43 I hear there is an overture of peace.
44 FIRST LORD.
45 Nay, I assure you, a peace concluded.
46 SECOND LORD.
47 What will Count Rossillon do then? Will he travel higher, or return
48 again into France?
49 FIRST LORD.
50 I perceive by this demand, you are not altogether of his council.
51 SECOND LORD.
52 Let it be forbid, sir! So should I be a great deal of his act.
53 FIRST LORD.
54 Sir, his wife some two months since fled from his house. Her pretence
55 is a pilgrimage to Saint Jaques le Grand; which holy undertaking with
56 most austere sanctimony she accomplished; and there residing, the
57 tenderness of her nature became as a prey to her grief; in fine, made a
58 groan of her last breath, and now she sings in heaven.
59 SECOND LORD.
60 How is this justified?
61 FIRST LORD.
62 The stronger part of it by her own letters, which makes her story true,
63 even to the point of her death. Her death itself, which could not be
64 her office to say is come, was faithfully confirm’d by the rector of
65 the place.
66 SECOND LORD.
67 Hath the count all this intelligence?
68 FIRST LORD.
69 Ay, and the particular confirmations, point from point, to the full
70 arming of the verity.
71 SECOND LORD.
72 I am heartily sorry that he’ll be glad of this.
73 FIRST LORD.
74 How mightily sometimes we make us comforts of our losses!
75 SECOND LORD.
76 And how mightily some other times we drown our gain in tears! The great
77 dignity that his valour hath here acquir’d for him shall at home be
78 encountered with a shame as ample.
79 FIRST LORD.
80 The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together; our
81 virtues would be proud if our faults whipped them not; and our crimes
82 would despair if they were not cherish’d by our virtues.
83 Enter a Messenger.
84 How now? Where’s your master?
85 MESSENGER.
86 He met the duke in the street, sir; of whom he hath taken a solemn
87 leave: his lordship will next morning for France. The duke hath offered
88 him letters of commendations to the king.
89 SECOND LORD.
90 They shall be no more than needful there, if they were more than they
91 can commend.
92 Enter Bertram.
93 FIRST LORD.
94 They cannot be too sweet for the king’s tartness. Here’s his lordship
95 now. How now, my lord, is’t not after midnight?
96 BERTRAM.
97 I have tonight despatch’d sixteen businesses, a month’s length apiece;
98 by an abstract of success: I have congied with the duke, done my adieu
99 with his nearest; buried a wife, mourn’d for her, writ to my lady
100 mother I am returning, entertained my convoy, and between these main
101 parcels of despatch effected many nicer needs: the last was the
102 greatest, but that I have not ended yet.
103 SECOND LORD.
104 If the business be of any difficulty and this morning your departure
105 hence, it requires haste of your lordship.
106 BERTRAM.
107 I mean the business is not ended, as fearing to hear of it hereafter.
108 But shall we have this dialogue between the Fool and the Soldier? Come,
109 bring forth this counterfeit module has deceiv’d me like a
110 double-meaning prophesier.
111 SECOND LORD.
112 Bring him forth.
113 [_Exeunt Soldiers._]
114 Has sat i’ the stocks all night, poor gallant knave.
115 BERTRAM.
116 No matter; his heels have deserv’d it, in usurping his spurs so long.
117 How does he carry himself?
118 FIRST LORD.
119 I have told your lordship already; the stocks carry him. But to answer
120 you as you would be understood: he weeps like a wench that had shed her
121 milk; he hath confessed himself to Morgan, whom he supposes to be a
122 friar, from the time of his remembrance to this very instant disaster
123 of his setting i’ the stocks. And what think you he hath confessed?
124 BERTRAM.
125 Nothing of me, has he?
126 SECOND LORD.
127 His confession is taken, and it shall be read to his face; if your
128 lordship be in’t, as I believe you are, you must have the patience to
129 hear it.
130 Enter Soldiers with Parolles.
131 BERTRAM.
132 A plague upon him! muffled! he can say nothing of me; hush, hush!
133 FIRST LORD.
134 Hoodman comes! _Portotartarossa._
135 FIRST SOLDIER.
136 He calls for the tortures. What will you say without ’em?
137 PAROLLES.
138 I will confess what I know without constraint. If ye pinch me like a
139 pasty I can say no more.
140 FIRST SOLDIER.
141 _Bosko chimurcho._
142 FIRST LORD.
143 _Boblibindo chicurmurco._
144 FIRST SOLDIER.
145 You are a merciful general. Our general bids you answer to what I shall
146 ask you out of a note.
147 PAROLLES.
148 And truly, as I hope to live.
149 FIRST SOLDIER.
150 ‘First demand of him how many horse the duke is strong.’ What say you
151 to that?
152 PAROLLES.
153 Five or six thousand; but very weak and unserviceable: the troops are
154 all scattered, and the commanders very poor rogues, upon my reputation
155 and credit, and as I hope to live.
156 FIRST SOLDIER.
157 Shall I set down your answer so?
158 PAROLLES.
159 Do. I’ll take the sacrament on ’t, how and which way you will.
160 BERTRAM.
161 All’s one to him. What a past-saving slave is this!
162 FIRST LORD.
163 You are deceived, my lord; this is Monsieur Parolles, the gallant
164 militarist (that was his own phrase), that had the whole theoric of war
165 in the knot of his scarf, and the practice in the chape of his dagger.
166 SECOND LORD.
167 I will never trust a man again for keeping his sword clean, nor believe
168 he can have everything in him by wearing his apparel neatly.
169 FIRST SOLDIER.
170 Well, that’s set down.
171 PAROLLES.
172 ‘Five or six thousand horse’ I said—I will say true—or thereabouts, set
173 down,—for I’ll speak truth.
174 FIRST LORD.
175 He’s very near the truth in this.
176 BERTRAM.
177 But I con him no thanks for’t in the nature he delivers it.
178 PAROLLES.
179 Poor rogues, I pray you say.
180 FIRST SOLDIER.
181 Well, that’s set down.
182 PAROLLES.
183 I humbly thank you, sir; a truth’s a truth, the rogues are marvellous
184 poor.
185 FIRST SOLDIER.
186 ‘Demand of him of what strength they are a-foot.’ What say you to that?
187 PAROLLES.
188 By my troth, sir, if I were to live this present hour, I will tell
189 true. Let me see: Spurio, a hundred and fifty, Sebastian, so many;
190 Corambus, so many; Jaques, so many; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick, and
191 Gratii, two hundred fifty each; mine own company, Chitopher, Vaumond,
192 Bentii, two hundred fifty each: so that the muster-file, rotten and
193 sound, upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousand poll; half of the
194 which dare not shake the snow from off their cassocks lest they shake
195 themselves to pieces.
196 BERTRAM.
197 What shall be done to him?
198 FIRST LORD.
199 Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my condition, and what
200 credit I have with the duke.
201 FIRST SOLDIER.
202 Well, that’s set down. ‘You shall demand of him whether one Captain
203 Dumaine be i’ the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is with the
204 duke, what his valour, honesty and expertness in wars; or whether he
205 thinks it were not possible with well-weighing sums of gold to corrupt
206 him to a revolt.’ What say you to this? What do you know of it?
207 PAROLLES.
208 I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of the inter’gatories.
209 Demand them singly.
210 FIRST SOLDIER.
211 Do you know this Captain Dumaine?
212 PAROLLES.
213 I know him: he was a botcher’s ’prentice in Paris, from whence he was
214 whipped for getting the shrieve’s fool with child, a dumb innocent that
215 could not say him nay.
216 [_First Lord lifts up his hand in anger._]
217 BERTRAM.
218 Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I know his brains are
219 forfeit to the next tile that falls.
220 FIRST SOLDIER.
221 Well, is this captain in the Duke of Florence’s camp?
222 PAROLLES.
223 Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy.
224 FIRST LORD.
225 Nay, look not so upon me; we shall hear of your lordship anon.
226 FIRST SOLDIER.
227 What is his reputation with the duke?
228 PAROLLES.
229 The duke knows him for no other but a poor officer of mine, and writ to
230 me this other day to turn him out o’ the band. I think I have his
231 letter in my pocket.
232 FIRST SOLDIER.
233 Marry, we’ll search.
234 PAROLLES.
235 In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there or it is upon a
236 file, with the duke’s other letters, in my tent.
237 FIRST SOLDIER.
238 Here ’tis; here’s a paper; shall I read it to you?
239 PAROLLES.
240 I do not know if it be it or no.
241 BERTRAM.
242 Our interpreter does it well.
243 FIRST LORD.
244 Excellently.
245 FIRST SOLDIER.
246 [_Reads._] _Dian, the Count’s a fool, and full of gold._
247 PAROLLES.
248 That is not the duke’s letter, sir; that is an advertisement to a
249 proper maid in Florence, one Diana, to take heed of the allurement of
250 one Count Rossillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very ruttish.
251 I pray you, sir, put it up again.
252 FIRST SOLDIER.
253 Nay, I’ll read it first by your favour.
254 PAROLLES.
255 My meaning in’t, I protest, was very honest in the behalf of the maid;
256 for I knew the young count to be a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is
257 a whale to virginity, and devours up all the fry it finds.
258 BERTRAM.
259 Damnable both sides rogue!
260 FIRST SOLDIER.
261 [_Reads._]
262 _When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;
263 After he scores, he never pays the score.
264 Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;
265 He ne’er pays after-debts, take it before.
266 And say a soldier, ‘Dian,’ told thee this:
267 Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss;
268 For count of this, the count’s a fool, I know it,
269 Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.
270 Thine, as he vow’d to thee in thine ear,_
271 PAROLLES.
272 BERTRAM.
273 He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme in’s forehead.
274 SECOND LORD.
275 This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold linguist, and the
276 armipotent soldier.
277 BERTRAM.
278 I could endure anything before but a cat, and now he’s a cat to me.
279 FIRST SOLDIER.
280 I perceive, sir, by our general’s looks we shall be fain to hang you.
281 PAROLLES.
282 My life, sir, in any case. Not that I am afraid to die, but that, my
283 offences being many, I would repent out the remainder of nature. Let me
284 live, sir, in a dungeon, i’ the stocks, or anywhere, so I may live.
285 FIRST SOLDIER.
286 We’ll see what may be done, so you confess freely. Therefore, once more
287 to this Captain Dumaine: you have answer’d to his reputation with the
288 duke, and to his valour. What is his honesty?
289 PAROLLES.
290 He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: for rapes and ravishments
291 he parallels Nessus. He professes not keeping of oaths; in breaking
292 them he is stronger than Hercules. He will lie, sir, with such
293 volubility that you would think truth were a fool: drunkenness is his
294 best virtue, for he will be swine-drunk, and in his sleep he does
295 little harm, save to his bedclothes about him; but they know his
296 conditions and lay him in straw. I have but little more to say, sir, of
297 his honesty; he has everything that an honest man should not have; what
298 an honest man should have, he has nothing.
299 FIRST LORD.
300 I begin to love him for this.
301 BERTRAM.
302 For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon him for me, he’s more
303 and more a cat.
304 FIRST SOLDIER.
305 What say you to his expertness in war?
306 PAROLLES.
307 Faith, sir, has led the drum before the English tragedians,—to belie
308 him I will not,—and more of his soldiership I know not, except in that
309 country he had the honour to be the officer at a place there called
310 Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of files. I would do the man
311 what honour I can, but of this I am not certain.
312 FIRST LORD.
313 He hath out-villain’d villainy so far that the rarity redeems him.
314 BERTRAM.
315 A pox on him! He’s a cat still.
316 FIRST SOLDIER.
317 His qualities being at this poor price, I need not to ask you if gold
318 will corrupt him to revolt.
319 PAROLLES.
320 Sir, for a quart d’ecu he will sell the fee-simple of his salvation,
321 the inheritance of it, and cut the entail from all remainders, and a
322 perpetual succession for it perpetually.
323 FIRST SOLDIER.
324 What’s his brother, the other Captain Dumaine?
325 SECOND LORD.
326 Why does he ask him of me?
327 FIRST SOLDIER.
328 What’s he?
329 PAROLLES.
330 E’en a crow o’ the same nest; not altogether so great as the first in
331 goodness, but greater a great deal in evil. He excels his brother for a
332 coward, yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is. In a
333 retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming on he has the cramp.
334 FIRST SOLDIER.
335 If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray the Florentine?
336 PAROLLES.
337 Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rossillon.
338 FIRST SOLDIER.
339 I’ll whisper with the general, and know his pleasure.
340 PAROLLES.
341 [_Aside._] I’ll no more drumming; a plague of all drums! Only to seem
342 to deserve well, and to beguile the supposition of that lascivious
343 young boy the count, have I run into this danger: yet who would have
344 suspected an ambush where I was taken?
345 FIRST SOLDIER.
346 There is no remedy, sir, but you must die. The general says you that
347 have so traitorously discovered the secrets of your army, and made such
348 pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can serve the world for no
349 honest use; therefore you must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.
350 PAROLLES.
351 O Lord! sir, let me live, or let me see my death.
352 FIRST SOLDIER.
353 That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends.
354 [_Unmuffling him._]
355 So, look about you; know you any here?
356 BERTRAM.
357 Good morrow, noble captain.
358 SECOND LORD.
359 God bless you, Captain Parolles.
360 FIRST LORD.
361 God save you, noble captain.
362 SECOND LORD.
363 Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafew? I am for France.
364 FIRST LORD.
365 Good Captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet you writ to Diana
366 in behalf of the Count Rossillon? And I were not a very coward I’d
367 compel it of you; but fare you well.
368 [_Exeunt Bertram, Lords &c._]
369 FIRST SOLDIER.
370 You are undone, captain: all but your scarf; that has a knot on’t yet.
371 PAROLLES.
372 Who cannot be crushed with a plot?
373 FIRST SOLDIER.
374 If you could find out a country where but women were that had received
375 so much shame, you might begin an impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir. I
376 am for France too; we shall speak of you there.
377 [_Exeunt._]
378 PAROLLES.
379 Yet am I thankful. If my heart were great
380 ’Twould burst at this. Captain I’ll be no more,
381 But I will eat, and drink, and sleep as soft
382 As captain shall. Simply the thing I am
383 Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,
384 Let him fear this; for it will come to pass
385 That every braggart shall be found an ass.
386 Rust, sword; cool, blushes; and, Parolles live
387 Safest in shame; being fool’d, by foolery thrive.
388 There’s place and means for every man alive.
389 I’ll after them.
390 [_Exit._]