Much Ado About Nothing

1 Enter Benedick.
2 BENEDICK.
3 Boy!
4 Enter a Boy.
5 BOY.
6 Signior?
7 BENEDICK.
8 In my chamber window lies a book; bring it hither to me in the orchard.
9 BOY.
10 I am here already, sir.
11 BENEDICK.
12 I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.
13 [Exit Boy.]
14 I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when
15 he dedicates his behaviours to love, will, after he hath laughed at such
16 shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling
17 in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known, when there was no music
18 with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor
19 and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile afoot to see
20 a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion
21 of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an
22 honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his words are
23 a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so
24 converted, and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not
25 be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I’ll take my
26 oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such
27 a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well;
28 another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one
29 woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that’s certain;
30 wise, or I’ll none; virtuous, or I’ll never cheapen her; fair,
31 or I’ll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not
32 I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair
33 shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! the Prince and Monsieur Love! I
34 will hide me in the arbour.
35 [Withdraws.]
36 Enter Don Pedro, Leonato and Claudio, followed by Balthasar
37 and Musicians.
38 DON PEDRO.
39 Come, shall we hear this music?
40 CLAUDIO.
41 Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,
42 As hush’d on purpose to grace harmony!
43 DON PEDRO.
44 See you where Benedick hath hid himself?
45 CLAUDIO.
46 O! very well, my lord: the music ended,
47 We’ll fit the kid-fox with a penny-worth.
48 DON PEDRO.
49 Come, Balthasar, we’ll hear that song again.
50 BALTHASAR.
51 O! good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
52 To slander music any more than once.
53 DON PEDRO.
54 It is the witness still of excellency,
55 To put a strange face on his own perfection.
56 I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.
57 BALTHASAR.
58 Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;
59 Since many a wooer doth commence his suit
60 To her he thinks not worthy; yet he wooes;
61 Yet will he swear he loves.
62 DON PEDRO.
63 Nay, pray thee come;
64 Or if thou wilt hold longer argument,
65 Do it in notes.
66 BALTHASAR.
67 Note this before my notes;
68 There’s not a note of mine that’s worth the noting.
69 DON PEDRO.
70 Why these are very crotchets that he speaks;
71 Notes, notes, forsooth, and nothing!
72 [Music.]
73 BENEDICK.
74 Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it not strange
75 that sheep’s guts should hale souls out of men’s bodies? Well,
76 a horn for my money, when all’s done.
77 BALTHASAR [sings.]
78 Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
79 Men were deceivers ever;
80 One foot in sea, and one on shore,
81 To one thing constant never.
82 Then sigh not so, but let them go,
83 And be you blithe and bonny,
84 Converting all your sounds of woe
85 Into Hey nonny, nonny.
86 Sing no more ditties, sing no mo
87 Of dumps so dull and heavy;
88 The fraud of men was ever so,
89 Since summer first was leavy.
90 Then sigh not so, but let them go,
91 And be you blithe and bonny,
92 Converting all your sounds of woe
93 Into Hey nonny, nonny.
94 DON PEDRO.
95 By my troth, a good song.
96 BALTHASAR.
97 And an ill singer, my lord.
98 DON PEDRO.
99 Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.
100 BENEDICK.
101 [Aside] And he had been a dog that should have howled
102 thus, they would have hanged him; and I pray God his bad voice bode no
103 mischief. I had as lief have heard the night-raven, come what plague could
104 have come after it.
105 DON PEDRO. Yea, marry; dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee, get us
106 some excellent music, for tomorrow night we would have it at the
107 Lady Hero’s chamber window.
108 BALTHASAR.
109 The best I can, my lord.
110 DON PEDRO.
111 Do so: farewell.
112 [Exeunt Balthasar and Musicians.]
113 Come hither, Leonato: what was it you told me of today, that your niece
114 Beatrice was in love with Signior Benedick?
115 CLAUDIO.
116 O! ay:—[Aside to Don Pedro] Stalk on, stalk on;
117 the fowl sits. I did never think that lady would have loved any man.
118 LEONATO.
119 No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she should so
120 dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in all outward behaviours
121 seemed ever to abhor.
122 BENEDICK.
123 [Aside] Is’t possible? Sits the wind in that corner?
124 LEONATO.
125 By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think of it but that
126 she loves him with an enraged affection: it is past the infinite of
127 thought.
128 DON PEDRO.
129 Maybe she doth but counterfeit.
130 CLAUDIO.
131 Faith, like enough.
132 LEONATO.
133 O God! counterfeit! There was never counterfeit of passion came
134 so near the life of passion as she discovers it.
135 DON PEDRO.
136 Why, what effects of passion shows she?
137 CLAUDIO.
138 [Aside] Bait the hook well: this fish will bite.
139 LEONATO.
140 What effects, my lord? She will sit you; [To Claudio] You
141 heard my daughter tell you how.
142 CLAUDIO.
143 She did, indeed.
144 DON PEDRO.
145 How, how, I pray you? You amaze me: I would have thought her
146 spirit had been invincible against all assaults of affection.
147 LEONATO.
148 I would have sworn it had, my lord; especially against Benedick.
149 BENEDICK.
150 [Aside] I should think this a gull, but that the
151 white-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot, sure, hide itself in such
152 reverence.
153 CLAUDIO.
154 [Aside] He hath ta’en the infection: hold it
155 up.
156 DON PEDRO.
157 Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?
158 LEONATO.
159 No; and swears she never will: that’s her torment.
160 CLAUDIO.
161 ’Tis true, indeed; so your daughter says: ‘Shall I,’
162 says she, ‘that have so oft encountered him with scorn, write to him
163 that I love him?’
164 LEONATO.
165 This says she now when she is beginning to write to him; for she’ll
166 be up twenty times a night, and there will she sit in her smock till she
167 have writ a sheet of paper: my daughter tells us all.
168 CLAUDIO.
169 Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember a pretty jest your
170 daughter told us of.
171 LEONATO.
172 O! when she had writ it, and was reading it over, she found
173 Benedick and Beatrice between the sheet?
174 CLAUDIO.
175 That.
176 LEONATO.
177 O! she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence; railed at
178 herself, that she should be so immodest to write to one that she knew
179 would flout her: ‘I measure him,’ says she, ‘by my own
180 spirit; for I should flout him, if he writ to me; yea, though I love him,
181 I should.’
182 CLAUDIO.
183 Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs, beats her heart,
184 tears her hair, prays, curses; ‘O sweet Benedick! God give me
185 patience!’
186 LEONATO.
187 She doth indeed; my daughter says so; and the ecstasy hath so
188 much overborne her, that my daughter is sometimes afeard she will do a
189 desperate outrage to herself. It is very true.
190 DON PEDRO.
191 It were good that Benedick knew of it by some other, if she
192 will not discover it.
193 CLAUDIO.
194 To what end? he would make but a sport of it and torment the poor
195 lady worse.
196 DON PEDRO.
197 And he should, it were an alms to hang him. She’s an
198 excellent sweet lady, and, out of all suspicion, she is virtuous.
199 CLAUDIO.
200 And she is exceeding wise.
201 DON PEDRO.
202 In everything but in loving Benedick.
203 LEONATO.
204 O! my lord, wisdom and blood combating in so tender a body,
205 we have ten proofs to one that blood hath the victory. I am sorry for
206 her, as I have just cause, being her uncle and her guardian.
207 DON PEDRO.
208 I would she had bestowed this dotage on me; I would have daffed
209 all other respects and made her half myself. I pray you, tell Benedick of
210 it, and hear what he will say.
211 LEONATO.
212 Were it good, think you?
213 CLAUDIO.
214 Hero thinks surely she will die; for she says she will die if he
215 love her not, and she will die ere she make her love known, and she will
216 die if he woo her, rather than she will bate one breath of her accustomed
217 crossness.
218 DON PEDRO.
219 She doth well: if she should make tender of her love, ’tis
220 very possible he’ll scorn it; for the man,—as you know all,—hath a
221 contemptible spirit.
222 CLAUDIO.
223 He is a very proper man.
224 DON PEDRO.
225 He hath indeed a good outward happiness.
226 CLAUDIO.
227 ’Fore God, and in my mind, very wise.
228 DON PEDRO.
229 He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.
230 CLAUDIO.
231 And I take him to be valiant.
232 DON PEDRO.
233 As Hector, I assure you: and in the managing of quarrels you
234 may say he is wise; for either he avoids them with great discretion, or
235 undertakes them with a most Christian-like fear.
236 LEONATO.
237 If he do fear God, a’ must necessarily keep peace: if he
238 break the peace, he ought to enter into a quarrel with fear and trembling.
239 DON PEDRO.
240 And so will he do; for the man doth fear God, howsoever it
241 seems not in him by some large jests he will make. Well, I am sorry for
242 your niece. Shall we go seek Benedick and tell him of her love?
243 CLAUDIO.
244 Never tell him, my lord: let her wear it out with good counsel.
245 LEONATO.
246 Nay, that’s impossible: she may wear her heart out first.
247 DON PEDRO.
248 Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter: let it cool
249 the while. I love Benedick well, and I could wish he would modestly
250 examine himself, to see how much he is unworthy so good a lady.
251 LEONATO.
252 My lord, will you walk? dinner is ready.
253 CLAUDIO.
254 [Aside] If he do not dote on her upon this, I will never
255 trust my expectation.
256 DON PEDRO.
257 [Aside] Let there be the same net spread for her; and
258 that must your daughter and her gentlewoman carry. The sport will be,
259 when they hold one an opinion of another’s dotage, and no such
260 matter: that’s the scene that I would see, which will be merely a
261 dumb show. Let us send her to call him in to dinner.
262 [Exeunt Don Pedro, Claudio and Leonato.]
263 BENEDICK.
264 [Advancing from the arbour.] This can be no trick: the
265 conference was sadly borne. They have the truth of this from Hero. They
266 seem to pity the lady: it seems her affections have their full bent. Love
267 me? why, it must be requited. I hear how I am censured: they say I will
268 bear myself proudly, if I perceive the love come from her; they say too
269 that she will rather die than give any sign of affection. I did never
270 think to marry: I must not seem proud: happy are they that hear their
271 detractions, and can put them to mending. They say the lady is fair:
272 ’tis a truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous: ’tis so,
273 I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for loving me: by my troth, it is no
274 addition to her wit, nor no great argument of her folly, for I will be
275 horribly in love with her. I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants
276 of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage; but
277 doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he
278 cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper
279 bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No; the
280 world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think
281 I should live till I were married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day! she’s
282 a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in her.
283 Enter Beatrice.
284 BEATRICE.
285 Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.
286 BENEDICK.
287 Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.
288 BEATRICE.
289 I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to
290 thank me: if it had been painful, I would not have come.
291 BENEDICK.
292 You take pleasure then in the message?
293 BEATRICE.
294 Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife’s point,
295 and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach, signior: fare you well.
296 [Exit.]
297 BENEDICK.
298 Ha! ‘Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to
299 dinner,’ there’s a double meaning in that. ‘I took no
300 more pains for those thanks than you took pains to thank me,’ that’s
301 as much as to say, Any pains that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If
302 I do not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not love her, I am a
303 Jew. I will go get her picture.
304 [Exit.]