The Comedy Of Errors

1 Enter Antipholus of Ephesus with an Officer.
2 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
3 Fear me not, man, I will not break away:
4 I’ll give thee ere I leave thee so much money,
5 To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for.
6 My wife is in a wayward mood today,
7 And will not lightly trust the messenger
8 That I should be attach’d in Ephesus;
9 I tell you ’twill sound harshly in her ears.
10 Enter Dromio of Ephesus with a rope’s end.
11 Here comes my man. I think he brings the money.
12 How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?
13 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
14 Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.
15 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
16 But where’s the money?
17 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
18 Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.
19 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
20 Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
21 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
22 I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
23 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
24 To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
25 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
26 To a rope’s end, sir; and to that end am I return’d.
27 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
28 And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.
29 [_Beating him._]
30 OFFICER.
31 Good sir, be patient.
32 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
33 Nay, ’tis for me to be patient. I am in adversity.
34 OFFICER.
35 Good now, hold thy tongue.
36 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
37 Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.
38 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
39 Thou whoreson, senseless villain.
40 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
41 I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.
42 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
43 Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.
44 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
45 I am an ass indeed; you may prove it by my long ears. I have served him
46 from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his
47 hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with
48 beating; when I am warm he cools me with beating. I am waked with it
49 when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors with it
50 when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I return. Nay, I bear
51 it on my shoulders as a beggar wont her brat; and I think when he hath
52 lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.
53 Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan and a Schoolmaster called Pinch.
54 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
55 Come, go along, my wife is coming yonder.
56 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
57 Mistress, _respice finem_, respect your end, or rather, the prophesy
58 like the parrot, “Beware the rope’s end.”
59 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
60 Wilt thou still talk?
61 [_Beats him._]
62 COURTESAN.
63 How say you now? Is not your husband mad?
64 ADRIANA.
65 His incivility confirms no less.
66 Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
67 Establish him in his true sense again,
68 And I will please you what you will demand.
69 LUCIANA.
70 Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
71 COURTESAN.
72 Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.
73 PINCH.
74 Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.
75 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
76 There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.
77 PINCH.
78 I charge thee, Satan, hous’d within this man,
79 To yield possession to my holy prayers,
80 And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight.
81 I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.
82 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
83 Peace, doting wizard, peace; I am not mad.
84 ADRIANA.
85 O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!
86 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
87 You minion, you, are these your customers?
88 Did this companion with the saffron face
89 Revel and feast it at my house today,
90 Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,
91 And I denied to enter in my house?
92 ADRIANA.
93 O husband, God doth know you din’d at home,
94 Where would you had remain’d until this time,
95 Free from these slanders and this open shame.
96 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
97 Din’d at home? Thou villain, what sayest thou?
98 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
99 Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.
100 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
101 Were not my doors lock’d up and I shut out?
102 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
103 Perdy, your doors were lock’d, and you shut out.
104 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
105 And did not she herself revile me there?
106 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
107 Sans fable, she herself revil’d you there.
108 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
109 Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?
110 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
111 Certes, she did, the kitchen-vestal scorn’d you.
112 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
113 And did not I in rage depart from thence?
114 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
115 In verity, you did; my bones bear witness,
116 That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
117 ADRIANA.
118 Is’t good to soothe him in these contraries?
119 PINCH.
120 It is no shame; the fellow finds his vein,
121 And yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.
122 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
123 Thou hast suborn’d the goldsmith to arrest me.
124 ADRIANA.
125 Alas! I sent you money to redeem you
126 By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.
127 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
128 Money by me? Heart and goodwill you might,
129 But surely, master, not a rag of money.
130 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
131 Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?
132 ADRIANA.
133 He came to me, and I deliver’d it.
134 LUCIANA.
135 And I am witness with her that she did.
136 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
137 God and the rope-maker bear me witness
138 That I was sent for nothing but a rope.
139 PINCH.
140 Mistress, both man and master is possess’d,
141 I know it by their pale and deadly looks.
142 They must be bound and laid in some dark room.
143 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
144 Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth today,
145 And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?
146 ADRIANA.
147 I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.
148 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
149 And gentle master, I receiv’d no gold;
150 But I confess, sir, that we were lock’d out.
151 ADRIANA.
152 Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both.
153 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
154 Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,
155 And art confederate with a damned pack
156 To make a loathsome abject scorn of me.
157 But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes
158 That would behold in me this shameful sport.
159 [_Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives. _]
160 ADRIANA.
161 O, bind him, bind him; let him not come near me.
162 PINCH.
163 More company; the fiend is strong within him.
164 LUCIANA.
165 Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!
166 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
167 What, will you murder me? Thou jailer, thou,
168 I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them
169 To make a rescue?
170 OFFICER.
171 Masters, let him go.
172 He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.
173 PINCH.
174 Go, bind this man, for he is frantic too.
175 ADRIANA.
176 What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
177 Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
178 Do outrage and displeasure to himself?
179 OFFICER.
180 He is my prisoner. If I let him go,
181 The debt he owes will be requir’d of me.
182 ADRIANA.
183 I will discharge thee ere I go from thee;
184 Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
185 And knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.
186 Good master doctor, see him safe convey’d
187 Home to my house. O most unhappy day!
188 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
189 O most unhappy strumpet!
190 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
191 Master, I am here enter’d in bond for you.
192 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
193 Out on thee, villain! wherefore dost thou mad me?
194 DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
195 Will you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good master; cry, “the devil”.
196 LUCIANA.
197 God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!
198 ADRIANA.
199 Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.
200 [_Exeunt Pinch and Assistants, with Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio
201 of Ephesus._]
202 Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?
203 OFFICER.
204 One Angelo, a goldsmith; do you know him?
205 ADRIANA.
206 I know the man. What is the sum he owes?
207 OFFICER.
208 Two hundred ducats.
209 ADRIANA.
210 Say, how grows it due?
211 OFFICER.
212 Due for a chain your husband had of him.
213 ADRIANA.
214 He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.
215 COURTESAN.
216 When as your husband, all in rage, today
217 Came to my house and took away my ring,
218 The ring I saw upon his finger now,
219 Straight after did I meet him with a chain.
220 ADRIANA.
221 It may be so, but I did never see it.
222 Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is,
223 I long to know the truth hereof at large.
224 Enter Antipholus of Syracuse with his rapier drawn, and Dromio of
225 Syracuse.
226 LUCIANA.
227 God, for thy mercy, they are loose again!
228 ADRIANA.
229 And come with naked swords. Let’s call more help
230 To have them bound again.
231 OFFICER.
232 Away, they’ll kill us.
233 [_Exeunt, as fast as may be, frighted._]
234 ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
235 I see these witches are afraid of swords.
236 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
237 She that would be your wife now ran from you.
238 ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
239 Come to the Centaur, fetch our stuff from thence.
240 I long that we were safe and sound aboard.
241 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
242 Faith, stay here this night, they will surely do us no harm; you saw
243 they speak us fair, give us gold. Methinks they are such a gentle
244 nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of
245 me, I could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch.
246 ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
247 I will not stay tonight for all the town;
248 Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.
249 [_Exeunt._]