The Merry Wives Of Windsor

1 Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol and Robin.
2 FALSTAFF.
3 Mine host of the Garter!
4 HOST.
5 What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
6 FALSTAFF.
7 Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
8 HOST.
9 Discard, bully Hercules; cashier. Let them wag; trot, trot.
10 FALSTAFF.
11 I sit at ten pounds a week.
12 HOST.
13 Thou’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain
14 Bardolph. He shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
15 FALSTAFF.
16 Do so, good mine host.
17 HOST.
18 I have spoke, let him follow.—Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a
19 word, follow.
20 [_Exit Host._]
21 FALSTAFF.
22 Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a
23 new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go, adieu.
24 BARDOLPH.
25 It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
26 PISTOL.
27 O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot wield?
28 [_Exit Bardolph._]
29 NYM
30 He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
31 FALSTAFF.
32 I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open.
33 His filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.
34 NYM.
35 The good humour is to steal at a minute’s rest.
36 PISTOL.
37 “Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal?” Foh! A _fico_ for the phrase!
38 FALSTAFF.
39 Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
40 PISTOL.
41 Why, then, let kibes ensue.
42 FALSTAFF.
43 There is no remedy, I must cony-catch, I must shift.
44 PISTOL.
45 Young ravens must have food.
46 FALSTAFF.
47 Which of you know Ford of this town?
48 PISTOL.
49 I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
50 FALSTAFF.
51 My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
52 PISTOL.
53 Two yards, and more.
54 FALSTAFF.
55 No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about, but I
56 am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
57 love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she
58 carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of
59 her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be
60 Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
61 PISTOL.
62 He hath studied her will and translated her will—out of honesty into
63 English.
64 NYM.
65 The anchor is deep. Will that humour pass?
66 FALSTAFF.
67 Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He
68 hath a legion of angels.
69 PISTOL.
70 As many devils entertain, and “To her, boy,” say I.
71 NYM.
72 The humour rises; it is good. Humour me the angels.
73 FALSTAFF.
74 I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife,
75 who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most
76 judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot,
77 sometimes my portly belly.
78 PISTOL.
79 Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
80 NYM.
81 I thank thee for that humour.
82 FALSTAFF.
83 O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention
84 that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a
85 burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too;
86 she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to
87 them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East
88 and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this
89 letter to Mistress Page;—and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will
90 thrive, lads, we will thrive.
91 PISTOL.
92 Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
93 And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
94 NYM.
95 I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter. I will keep
96 the ’haviour of reputation.
97 FALSTAFF.
98 [_To Robin_.] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
99 Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
100 Rogues, hence, avaunt! Vanish like hailstones, go!
101 Trudge, plod away o’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
102 Falstaff will learn the humour of this age:
103 French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
104 [_Exeunt Falstaff and Robin._]
105 PISTOL
106 Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds,
107 And high and low beguile the rich and poor.
108 Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
109 Base Phrygian Turk!
110 NYM.
111 I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
112 PISTOL.
113 Wilt thou revenge?
114 NYM.
115 By welkin and her star!
116 PISTOL.
117 With wit or steel?
118 NYM.
119 With both the humours, I.
120 I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.
121 PISTOL.
122 And I to Page shall eke unfold
123 How Falstaff, varlet vile,
124 His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
125 And his soft couch defile.
126 NYM.
127 My humour shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison, I
128 will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous.
129 That is my true humour.
130 PISTOL.
131 Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee. Troop on.
132 [_Exeunt._]