The Merry Wives Of Windsor

1 Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
2 FALSTAFF.
3 I will not lend thee a penny.
4 PISTOL.
5 Why then, the world’s mine oyster,
6 Which I with sword will open.
7 FALSTAFF.
8 Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to
9 pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you
10 and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had looked through the grate
11 like a gemini of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen
12 my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. And when Mistress
13 Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took ’t upon mine honour thou
14 hadst it not.
15 PISTOL.
16 Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
17 FALSTAFF.
18 Reason, you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis?
19 At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go—a short
20 knife and a throng—to your manor of Pickt-hatch, go. You’ll not bear a
21 letter for me, you rogue? You stand upon your honour! Why, thou
22 unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of
23 my honour precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God
24 on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
25 shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your
26 rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
27 bold beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do
28 it! You!
29 PISTOL.
30 I do relent. What wouldst thou more of man?
31 Enter Robin.
32 ROBIN
33 Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
34 FALSTAFF.
35 Let her approach.
36 Enter Mistress Quickly.
37 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
38 Give your worship good morrow.
39 FALSTAFF.
40 Good morrow, goodwife.
41 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
42 Not so, an’t please your worship.
43 FALSTAFF.
44 Good maid, then.
45 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
46 I’ll be sworn, as my mother was, the first hour I was born.
47 FALSTAFF.
48 I do believe the swearer. What with me?
49 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
50 Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
51 FALSTAFF.
52 Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
53 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
54 There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I pray, come a little nearer this ways.
55 I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.
56 FALSTAFF.
57 Well, on; Mistress Ford, you say—
58 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
59 Your worship says very true. I pray your worship come a little nearer
60 this ways.
61 FALSTAFF.
62 I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own people, mine own people.
63 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
64 Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants!
65 FALSTAFF.
66 Well, Mistress Ford, what of her?
67 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
68 Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord, your worship’s a wanton!
69 Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray!
70 FALSTAFF.
71 Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford.
72 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
73 Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you have brought her into
74 such a canaries as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
75 the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a
76 canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with
77 their coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
78 gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I
79 warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such alligant terms, and in such
80 wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any
81 woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of
82 her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning, but I defy all
83 angels in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty. And, I
84 warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the
85 proudest of them all. And yet there has been earls—nay, which is more,
86 pensioners—but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
87 FALSTAFF.
88 But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-Mercury.
89 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
90 Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a
91 thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be
92 absence from his house between ten and eleven.
93 FALSTAFF.
94 Ten and eleven?
95 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
96 Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that
97 you wot of. Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the
98 sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very jealousy man; she
99 leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
100 FALSTAFF.
101 Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
102 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
103 Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship.
104 Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell
105 you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell
106 you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in
107 Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that
108 her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time.
109 I never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely I think you have
110 charms, la! Yes, in truth.
111 FALSTAFF.
112 Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I
113 have no other charms.
114 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
115 Blessing on your heart for ’t!
116 FALSTAFF.
117 But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife
118 acquainted each other how they love me?
119 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
120 That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope. That
121 were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her
122 your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a marvellous infection
123 to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a
124 wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what she will,
125 say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
126 when she list, all is as she will, and truly she deserves it, for if
127 there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your
128 page, no remedy.
129 FALSTAFF.
130 Why, I will.
131 MISTRESS QUICKLY.
132 Nay, but do so then, and, look you, he may come and go between you
133 both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s
134 mind, and the boy never need to understand anything; for ’tis not good
135 that children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know, have
136 discretion, as they say, and know the world.
137 FALSTAFF.
138 Fare thee well, commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy
139 debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.—This news distracts me.
140 [_Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin._]
141 PISTOL.
142 This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers;
143 Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights;
144 Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
145 [_Exit Pistol._]
146 FALSTAFF.
147 Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways, I’ll make more of thy old body
148 than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the
149 expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let
150 them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
151 Enter Bardolph with a cup of sack.
152 BARDOLPH
153 Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you and
154 be acquainted with you, and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught
155 of sack.
156 FALSTAFF.
157 Brook is his name?
158 BARDOLPH.
159 Ay, sir.
160 FALSTAFF.
161 Call him in.
162 [_Exit Bardolph._]
163 Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha,
164 Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to, _via!_
165 Enter Bardolph with Ford disguised as Brook.
166 FORD
167 God bless you, sir.
168 FALSTAFF.
169 And you, sir. Would you speak with me?
170 FORD.
171 I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
172 FALSTAFF.
173 You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us leave, drawer.
174 [_Exit Bardolph._]
175 FORD
176 Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much. My name is Brook.
177 FALSTAFF.
178 Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
179 FORD.
180 Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge you, for I must let you
181 understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are,
182 the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion;
183 for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
184 FALSTAFF.
185 Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
186 FORD.
187 Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. If you will help to
188 bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
189 FALSTAFF.
190 Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
191 FORD.
192 I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
193 FALSTAFF.
194 Speak, good Master Brook. I shall be glad to be your servant.
195 FORD.
196 Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will be brief with you—and you have
197 been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire
198 to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you,
199 wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good Sir
200 John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
201 turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a
202 reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an
203 offender.
204 FALSTAFF.
205 Very well, sir, proceed.
206 FORD.
207 There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford.
208 FALSTAFF.
209 Well, sir.
210 FORD.
211 I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her,
212 followed her with a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to meet
213 her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight
214 of her, not only bought many presents to give her, but have given
215 largely to many to know what she would have given. Briefly, I have
216 pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all
217 occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my
218 means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a
219 jewel. That I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught
220 me to say this:
221 Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues,
222 Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
223 FALSTAFF.
224 Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
225 FORD.
226 Never.
227 FALSTAFF.
228 Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
229 FORD.
230 Never.
231 FALSTAFF.
232 Of what quality was your love, then?
233 FORD.
234 Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so that I have lost my
235 edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
236 FALSTAFF.
237 To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
238 FORD.
239 When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though
240 she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so
241 far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here
242 is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
243 admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and
244 person, generally allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and learned
245 preparations.
246 FALSTAFF.
247 O, sir!
248 FORD.
249 Believe it, for you know it. There is money. Spend it, spend it; spend
250 more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange
251 of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife.
252 Use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you. If any man may, you
253 may as soon as any.
254 FALSTAFF.
255 Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection that I should
256 win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
257 preposterously.
258 FORD.
259 O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her
260 honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
261 bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any
262 detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend
263 themselves. I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her
264 reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences, which
265 now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir
266 John?
267 FALSTAFF.
268 Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me
269 your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy
270 Ford’s wife.
271 FORD.
272 O good sir!
273 FALSTAFF.
274 I say you shall.
275 FORD.
276 Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
277 FALSTAFF.
278 Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be
279 with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in
280 to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I say I shall be
281 with her between ten and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally
282 knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night. You shall
283 know how I speed.
284 FORD.
285 I am blessed in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
286 FALSTAFF.
287 Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not. Yet I wrong him to call
288 him poor. They say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for
289 the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key
290 of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest-home.
291 FORD.
292 I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
293 FALSTAFF.
294 Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his
295 wits, I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er
296 the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate
297 over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at
298 night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master
299 Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
300 [_Exit Falstaff._]
301 FORD.
302 What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with
303 impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to
304 him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought
305 this? See the hell of having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my
306 coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive
307 this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms,
308 and by him that does me this wrong. Terms, names! Amaimon sounds well;
309 Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the
310 names of fiends. But cuckold? Wittol? Cuckold? The devil himself hath
311 not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife,
312 he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter,
313 Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae
314 bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with
315 herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what
316 they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their
317 hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven
318 o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
319 Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too
320 soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!
321 [_Exit._]