The Merry Wives Of Windsor

1 Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
2 MISTRESS FORD.
3 What, John! What, Robert!
4 MISTRESS PAGE.
5 Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket—
6 MISTRESS FORD.
7 I warrant.—What, Robin, I say!
8 Enter John and Robert with a great buck-basket.
9 MISTRESS PAGE.
10 Come, come, come.
11 MISTRESS FORD.
12 Here, set it down.
13 MISTRESS PAGE.
14 Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
15 MISTRESS FORD.
16 Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in
17 the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without
18 any pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders. That done,
19 trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in
20 Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames
21 side.
22 MISTRESS PAGE.
23 You will do it?
24 MISTRESS FORD.
25 I ha’ told them over and over, they lack no direction.—Be gone, and
26 come when you are called.
27 [_Exeunt John and Robert._]
28 MISTRESS PAGE.
29 Here comes little Robin.
30 Enter Robin.
31 MISTRESS FORD.
32 How now, my eyas-musket, what news with you?
33 ROBIN.
34 My Master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and
35 requests your company.
36 MISTRESS PAGE.
37 You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
38 ROBIN.
39 Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath
40 threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for
41 he swears he’ll turn me away.
42 MISTRESS PAGE.
43 Thou’rt a good boy, this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee,
44 and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.
45 MISTRESS FORD.
46 Do so.—Go tell thy master I am alone.
47 [_Exit Robin._]
48 Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
49 MISTRESS PAGE.
50 I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss me.
51 [_Exit Mistress Page._]
52 MISTRESS FORD.
53 Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery
54 pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.
55 Enter Falstaff.
56 FALSTAFF.
57 “Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?” Why, now let me die, for I
58 have lived long enough. This is the period of my ambition. O this
59 blessed hour!
60 MISTRESS FORD.
61 O, sweet Sir John!
62 FALSTAFF.
63 Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I
64 sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the
65 best lord: I would make thee my lady.
66 MISTRESS FORD.
67 I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.
68 FALSTAFF.
69 Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would
70 emulate the diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that
71 becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian
72 admittance.
73 MISTRESS FORD.
74 A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows become nothing else, nor that well
75 neither.
76 FALSTAFF.
77 By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so. Thou wouldst make an
78 absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an
79 excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what
80 thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou
81 canst not hide it.
82 MISTRESS FORD.
83 Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.
84 FALSTAFF.
85 What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something
86 extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and
87 that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that come like women
88 in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple-time. I cannot.
89 But I love thee, none but thee; and thou deservest it.
90 MISTRESS FORD.
91 Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress Page.
92 FALSTAFF.
93 Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter gate, which is
94 as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.
95 MISTRESS FORD.
96 Well, heaven knows how I love you, and you shall one day find it.
97 FALSTAFF.
98 Keep in that mind, I’ll deserve it.
99 MISTRESS FORD.
100 Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.
101 Enter Robin.
102 ROBIN.
103 Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, here’s Mistress Page at the door,
104 sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you
105 presently.
106 FALSTAFF.
107 She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the arras.
108 MISTRESS FORD.
109 Pray you, do so; she’s a very tattling woman.
110 [_Falstaff hides himself behind the arras._]
111 Enter Mistress Page.
112 What’s the matter? How now?
113 MISTRESS PAGE.
114 O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown,
115 you’re undone for ever!
116 MISTRESS FORD.
117 What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
118 MISTRESS PAGE.
119 O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest man to your husband, to
120 give him such cause of suspicion!
121 MISTRESS FORD.
122 What cause of suspicion?
123 MISTRESS PAGE.
124 What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! How am I mistook in you!
125 MISTRESS FORD.
126 Why, alas, what’s the matter?
127 MISTRESS PAGE.
128 Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor,
129 to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by
130 your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.
131 MISTRESS FORD.
132 ’Tis not so, I hope.
133 MISTRESS PAGE.
134 Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! But ’tis most
135 certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to
136 search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself
137 clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey,
138 convey him out. Be not amazed, call all your senses to you; defend your
139 reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
140 MISTRESS FORD.
141 What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not
142 mine own shame as much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound
143 he were out of the house.
144 MISTRESS PAGE.
145 For shame! Never stand “you had rather” and “you had rather”. Your
146 husband’s here at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the house
147 you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a
148 basket. If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and
149 throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking. Or—it is
150 whiting-time—send him by your two men to Datchet Mead.
151 MISTRESS FORD.
152 He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?
153 FALSTAFF.
154 [_Comes out of hiding_.] Let me see ’t, let me see ’t! O, let me see
155 ’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.
156 MISTRESS PAGE.
157 What, Sir John Falstaff? Are these your letters, knight?
158 FALSTAFF.
159 I love thee, and none but thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
160 I’ll never—
161 [_He goes into the basket; they cover him with dirty clothes._]
162 MISTRESS PAGE.
163 Help to cover your master, boy.—Call your men, Mistress Ford.—You
164 dissembling knight!
165 [_Exit Robin._]
166 MISTRESS FORD.
167 What, John! Robert! John!
168 Enter John and Robert.
169 Go, take up these clothes here, quickly. Where’s the cowl-staff? Look
170 how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead; quickly,
171 come.
172 Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Sir Hugh Evans.
173 FORD.
174 Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at
175 me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it.—How now? Whither bear you
176 this?
177 JOHN and ROBERT.
178 To the laundress, forsooth.
179 MISTRESS FORD.
180 Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle
181 with buck-washing!
182 FORD.
183 Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay,
184 buck! I warrant you, buck, and of the season too, it shall appear.
185 [_Exeunt John and Robert with the basket._]
186 Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here,
187 here be my keys. Ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out. I’ll
188 warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [_Locks the
189 door_.] So, now uncape.
190 PAGE.
191 Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
192 FORD.
193 True, Master Page.—Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon. Follow me,
194 gentlemen.
195 [_Exit Ford._]
196 EVANS
197 This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
198 CAIUS.
199 By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.
200 PAGE.
201 Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
202 [_Exeunt Page, Evans and Caius._]
203 MISTRESS PAGE.
204 Is there not a double excellency in this?
205 MISTRESS FORD.
206 I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir
207 John.
208 MISTRESS PAGE.
209 What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!
210 MISTRESS FORD.
211 I am half afraid he will have need of washing, so throwing him into the
212 water will do him a benefit.
213 MISTRESS PAGE.
214 Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the
215 same distress.
216 MISTRESS FORD.
217 I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being
218 here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
219 MISTRESS PAGE.
220 I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with
221 Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.
222 MISTRESS FORD.
223 Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress Quickly to him, and excuse
224 his throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to betray him
225 to another punishment?
226 MISTRESS PAGE.
227 We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock to have
228 amends.
229 Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Sir Hugh Evans.
230 FORD
231 I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of that he could not
232 compass.
233 MISTRESS PAGE.
234 [_Aside to Mistress Ford_.] Heard you that?
235 MISTRESS FORD.
236 You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
237 FORD.
238 Ay, I do so.
239 MISTRESS FORD.
240 Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
241 FORD.
242 Amen!
243 MISTRESS PAGE.
244 You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
245 FORD.
246 Ay, ay; I must bear it.
247 EVANS.
248 If there be anypody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the
249 coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of
250 judgment!
251 CAIUS.
252 Be gar, nor I too; there is nobodies.
253 PAGE.
254 Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil
255 suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind
256 for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
257 FORD.
258 ’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.
259 EVANS.
260 You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a ’omans as I
261 will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
262 CAIUS.
263 By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.
264 FORD.
265 Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the park. I pray you
266 pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this.
267 Come, wife, come, Mistress Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray heartily,
268 pardon me.
269 PAGE.
270 Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you
271 tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we’ll a-birding
272 together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
273 FORD.
274 Anything.
275 EVANS.
276 If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
277 CAIUS.
278 If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
279 FORD.
280 Pray you go, Master Page.
281 [_Exeunt all but Evans and Caius._]
282 EVANS.
283 I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.
284 CAIUS.
285 Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.
286 EVANS.
287 A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
288 [_Exeunt._]