Troilus And Cressida

1 Enter Thersites, solus.
2 THERSITES.
3 How now, Thersites! What, lost in the labyrinth of thy fury? Shall the
4 elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I rail at him. O worthy
5 satisfaction! Would it were otherwise: that I could beat him, whilst he
6 rail’d at me! ‘Sfoot, I’ll learn to conjure and raise devils, but I’ll
7 see some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there’s Achilles, a
8 rare engineer! If Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the
9 walls will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great
10 thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods,
11 and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take
12 not that little little less than little wit from them that they have!
13 which short-arm’d ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce, it will
14 not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider without drawing their
15 massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the whole
16 camp! or, rather, the Neapolitan bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the
17 curse depending on those that war for a placket. I have said my
18 prayers; and devil Envy say ‘Amen.’ What ho! my Lord Achilles!
19 Enter Patroclus.
20 PATROCLUS.
21 Who’s there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail.
22 THERSITES.
23 If I could a’ rememb’red a gilt counterfeit, thou wouldst not have
24 slipp’d out of my contemplation; but it is no matter; thyself upon
25 thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in
26 great revenue! Heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline come not
27 near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till thy death. Then if she
28 that lays thee out says thou art a fair corse, I’ll be sworn and sworn
29 upon’t she never shrouded any but lazars. Amen. Where’s Achilles?
30 PATROCLUS.
31 What, art thou devout? Wast thou in prayer?
32 THERSITES.
33 Ay, the heavens hear me!
34 PATROCLUS.
35 Amen.
36 Enter Achilles.
37 ACHILLES.
38 Who’s there?
39 PATROCLUS.
40 Thersites, my lord.
41 ACHILLES.
42 Where, where? O, where? Art thou come? Why, my cheese, my digestion,
43 why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come,
44 what’s Agamemnon?
45 THERSITES.
46 Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what’s Achilles?
47 PATROCLUS.
48 Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray thee, what’s Thersites?
49 THERSITES.
50 Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me, Patroclus, what art thou?
51 PATROCLUS.
52 Thou must tell that knowest.
53 ACHILLES.
54 O, tell, tell,
55 THERSITES.
56 I’ll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles; Achilles
57 is my lord; I am Patroclus’ knower; and Patroclus is a fool.
58 PATROCLUS.
59 You rascal!
60 THERSITES.
61 Peace, fool! I have not done.
62 ACHILLES.
63 He is a privileg’d man. Proceed, Thersites.
64 THERSITES.
65 Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a fool; and, as
66 aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.
67 ACHILLES.
68 Derive this; come.
69 THERSITES.
70 Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles; Achilles is a fool to
71 be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool;
72 and this Patroclus is a fool positive.
73 PATROCLUS.
74 Why am I a fool?
75 THERSITES.
76 Make that demand of the Creator. It suffices me thou art. Look you, who
77 comes here?
78 Enter Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor, Diomedes, Ajax and Calchas.
79 ACHILLES.
80 Come, Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody. Come in with me, Thersites.
81 [_Exit_.]
82 THERSITES.
83 Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery. All the
84 argument is a whore and a cuckold—a good quarrel to draw emulous
85 factions and bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on the subject,
86 and war and lechery confound all!
87 [_Exit_.]
88 AGAMEMNON.
89 Where is Achilles?
90 PATROCLUS.
91 Within his tent; but ill-dispos’d, my lord.
92 AGAMEMNON.
93 Let it be known to him that we are here.
94 He shent our messengers; and we lay by
95 Our appertainings, visiting of him.
96 Let him be told so; lest, perchance, he think
97 We dare not move the question of our place
98 Or know not what we are.
99 PATROCLUS.
100 I shall say so to him.
101 [_Exit_.]
102 ULYSSES.
103 We saw him at the opening of his tent.
104 He is not sick.
105 AJAX.
106 Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it melancholy, if you
107 will favour the man; but, by my head, ’tis pride. But why, why? Let him
108 show us a cause. A word, my lord.
109 [_Takes Agamemnon aside_.]
110 NESTOR.
111 What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?
112 ULYSSES.
113 Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.
114 NESTOR.
115 Who, Thersites?
116 ULYSSES.
117 He.
118 NESTOR.
119 Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.
120 ULYSSES.
121 No; you see he is his argument that has his argument, Achilles.
122 NESTOR.
123 All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their faction. But
124 it was a strong composure a fool could disunite!
125 ULYSSES.
126 The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.
127 Re-enter Patroclus.
128 Here comes Patroclus.
129 NESTOR.
130 No Achilles with him.
131 ULYSSES.
132 The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy; his legs are legs for
133 necessity, not for flexure.
134 PATROCLUS.
135 Achilles bids me say he is much sorry
136 If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
137 Did move your greatness and this noble state
138 To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
139 But for your health and your digestion sake,
140 An after-dinner’s breath.
141 AGAMEMNON.
142 Hear you, Patroclus.
143 We are too well acquainted with these answers;
144 But his evasion, wing’d thus swift with scorn,
145 Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
146 Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
147 Why we ascribe it to him. Yet all his virtues,
148 Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
149 Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss;
150 Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
151 Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him
152 We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin
153 If you do say we think him over-proud
154 And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
155 Than in the note of judgement; and worthier than himself
156 Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
157 Disguise the holy strength of their command,
158 And underwrite in an observing kind
159 His humorous predominance; yea, watch
160 His course and time, his ebbs and flows, as if
161 The passage and whole stream of this commencement
162 Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add
163 That if he overhold his price so much
164 We’ll none of him, but let him, like an engine
165 Not portable, lie under this report:
166 Bring action hither; this cannot go to war.
167 A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
168 Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.
169 PATROCLUS.
170 I shall, and bring his answer presently.
171 [_Exit_.]
172 AGAMEMNON.
173 In second voice we’ll not be satisfied;
174 We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.
175 [_Exit_ Ulysses.]
176 AJAX.
177 What is he more than another?
178 AGAMEMNON.
179 No more than what he thinks he is.
180 AJAX.
181 Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better man than I
182 am?
183 AGAMEMNON.
184 No question.
185 AJAX.
186 Will you subscribe his thought and say he is?
187 AGAMEMNON.
188 No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no less noble,
189 much more gentle, and altogether more tractable.
190 AJAX.
191 Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not what pride
192 is.
193 AGAMEMNON.
194 Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the fairer. He that is
195 proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own
196 chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the deed devours the deed
197 in the praise.
198 Re-enter Ulysses.
199 AJAX.
200 I do hate a proud man as I do hate the engend’ring of toads.
201 NESTOR.
202 [_Aside._] And yet he loves himself: is’t not strange?
203 ULYSSES.
204 Achilles will not to the field tomorrow.
205 AGAMEMNON.
206 What’s his excuse?
207 ULYSSES.
208 He doth rely on none;
209 But carries on the stream of his dispose,
210 Without observance or respect of any,
211 In will peculiar and in self-admission.
212 AGAMEMNON.
213 Why will he not, upon our fair request,
214 Untent his person and share th’air with us?
215 ULYSSES.
216 Things small as nothing, for request’s sake only,
217 He makes important; possess’d he is with greatness,
218 And speaks not to himself but with a pride
219 That quarrels at self-breath. Imagin’d worth
220 Holds in his blood such swol’n and hot discourse
221 That ’twixt his mental and his active parts
222 Kingdom’d Achilles in commotion rages,
223 And batters down himself. What should I say?
224 He is so plaguy proud that the death tokens of it
225 Cry ‘No recovery.’
226 AGAMEMNON.
227 Let Ajax go to him.
228 Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent.
229 ’Tis said he holds you well; and will be led
230 At your request a little from himself.
231 ULYSSES.
232 O Agamemnon, let it not be so!
233 We’ll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes
234 When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord
235 That bastes his arrogance with his own seam
236 And never suffers matter of the world
237 Enter his thoughts, save such as doth revolve
238 And ruminate himself—shall he be worshipp’d
239 Of that we hold an idol more than he?
240 No, this thrice worthy and right valiant lord
241 Shall not so stale his palm, nobly acquir’d,
242 Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit,
243 As amply titled as Achilles is,
244 By going to Achilles.
245 That were to enlard his fat-already pride,
246 And add more coals to Cancer when he burns
247 With entertaining great Hyperion.
248 This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,
249 And say in thunder ‘Achilles go to him.’
250 NESTOR.
251 [_Aside_.] O, this is well! He rubs the vein of him.
252 DIOMEDES.
253 [_Aside_.] And how his silence drinks up this applause!
254 AJAX.
255 If I go to him, with my armed fist I’ll pash him o’er the face.
256 AGAMEMNON.
257 O, no, you shall not go.
258 AJAX.
259 An a’ be proud with me I’ll pheeze his pride.
260 Let me go to him.
261 ULYSSES.
262 Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel.
263 AJAX.
264 A paltry, insolent fellow!
265 NESTOR.
266 [_Aside_.] How he describes himself!
267 AJAX.
268 Can he not be sociable?
269 ULYSSES.
270 [_Aside_.] The raven chides blackness.
271 AJAX.
272 I’ll let his humours blood.
273 AGAMEMNON.
274 [_Aside_.] He will be the physician that should be the patient.
275 AJAX.
276 And all men were o’ my mind—
277 ULYSSES.
278 [_Aside_.] Wit would be out of fashion.
279 AJAX.
280 A’ should not bear it so, a’ should eat’s words first.
281 Shall pride carry it?
282 NESTOR.
283 [_Aside_.] And ’twould, you’d carry half.
284 ULYSSES.
285 [_Aside_.] A’ would have ten shares.
286 AJAX.
287 I will knead him, I’ll make him supple.
288 NESTOR.
289 [_Aside_.] He’s not yet through warm. Force him with praises; pour in,
290 pour in; his ambition is dry.
291 ULYSSES.
292 [_To Agamemnon_.] My lord, you feed too much on this dislike.
293 NESTOR.
294 Our noble general, do not do so.
295 DIOMEDES.
296 You must prepare to fight without Achilles.
297 ULYSSES.
298 Why ’tis this naming of him does him harm.
299 Here is a man—but ’tis before his face;
300 I will be silent.
301 NESTOR.
302 Wherefore should you so?
303 He is not emulous, as Achilles is.
304 ULYSSES.
305 Know the whole world, he is as valiant.
306 AJAX.
307 A whoreson dog, that shall palter with us thus!
308 Would he were a Trojan!
309 NESTOR.
310 What a vice were it in Ajax now—
311 ULYSSES.
312 If he were proud.
313 DIOMEDES.
314 Or covetous of praise.
315 ULYSSES.
316 Ay, or surly borne.
317 DIOMEDES.
318 Or strange, or self-affected.
319 ULYSSES.
320 Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet composure.
321 Praise him that gat thee, she that gave thee suck;
322 Fam’d be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature
323 Thrice fam’d beyond, beyond all erudition;
324 But he that disciplin’d thine arms to fight—
325 Let Mars divide eternity in twain
326 And give him half; and, for thy vigour,
327 Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield
328 To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom,
329 Which, like a bourn, a pale, a shore, confines
330 Thy spacious and dilated parts. Here’s Nestor,
331 Instructed by the antiquary times—
332 He must, he is, he cannot but be wise;
333 But pardon, father Nestor, were your days
334 As green as Ajax’ and your brain so temper’d,
335 You should not have the eminence of him,
336 But be as Ajax.
337 AJAX.
338 Shall I call you father?
339 NESTOR.
340 Ay, my good son.
341 DIOMEDES.
342 Be rul’d by him, Lord Ajax.
343 ULYSSES.
344 There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles
345 Keeps thicket. Please it our great general
346 To call together all his state of war;
347 Fresh kings are come to Troy. Tomorrow
348 We must with all our main of power stand fast;
349 And here’s a lord—come knights from east to west
350 And cull their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.
351 AGAMEMNON.
352 Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep.
353 Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.
354 [_Exeunt_.]