Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will

1 Enter Olivia and Maria.
2 OLIVIA.
3 I have sent after him. He says he’ll come;
4 How shall I feast him? What bestow of him?
5 For youth is bought more oft than begg’d or borrow’d.
6 I speak too loud.—
7 Where’s Malvolio?—He is sad and civil,
8 And suits well for a servant with my fortunes;
9 Where is Malvolio?
10 MARIA.
11 He’s coming, madam:
12 But in very strange manner. He is sure possessed, madam.
13 OLIVIA.
14 Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave?
15 MARIA.
16 No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were best to have
17 some guard about you if he come, for sure the man is tainted in ’s
18 wits.
19 OLIVIA.
20 Go call him hither. I’m as mad as he,
21 If sad and merry madness equal be.
22 Enter Malvolio.
23 How now, Malvolio?
24 MALVOLIO.
25 Sweet lady, ho, ho!
26 OLIVIA.
27 Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
28 MALVOLIO.
29 Sad, lady? I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the
30 blood, this cross-gartering. But what of that? If it please the eye of
31 one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is: ‘Please one and please
32 all.’
33 OLIVIA.
34 Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee?
35 MALVOLIO.
36 Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his
37 hands, and commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet
38 Roman hand.
39 OLIVIA.
40 Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
41 MALVOLIO.
42 To bed? Ay, sweetheart, and I’ll come to thee.
43 OLIVIA.
44 God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?
45 MARIA.
46 How do you, Malvolio?
47 MALVOLIO.
48 At your request? Yes, nightingales answer daws!
49 MARIA.
50 Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
51 MALVOLIO.
52 ‘Be not afraid of greatness.’ ’Twas well writ.
53 OLIVIA.
54 What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio?
55 MALVOLIO.
56 ‘Some are born great’—
57 OLIVIA.
58 Ha?
59 MALVOLIO.
60 ‘Some achieve greatness’—
61 OLIVIA.
62 What say’st thou?
63 MALVOLIO.
64 ‘And some have greatness thrust upon them.’
65 OLIVIA.
66 Heaven restore thee!
67 MALVOLIO.
68 ‘Remember who commended thy yellow stockings’—
69 OLIVIA.
70 Thy yellow stockings?
71 MALVOLIO.
72 ‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’
73 OLIVIA.
74 Cross-gartered?
75 MALVOLIO.
76 ‘Go to: thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so:’—
77 OLIVIA.
78 Am I made?
79 MALVOLIO.
80 ‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
81 OLIVIA.
82 Why, this is very midsummer madness.
83 Enter Servant.
84 SERVANT.
85 Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned; I could
86 hardly entreat him back. He attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
87 OLIVIA.
88 I’ll come to him.
89 [_Exit Servant._]
90 Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my cousin Toby? Let
91 some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him
92 miscarry for the half of my dowry.
93 [_Exeunt Olivia and Maria._]
94 MALVOLIO.
95 O ho, do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to
96 me. This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose,
97 that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the
98 letter. ‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she; ‘be opposite with a
99 kinsman, surly with servants, let thy tongue tang with arguments of
100 state, put thyself into the trick of singularity,’ and consequently,
101 sets down the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow
102 tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed
103 her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she
104 went away now, ‘Let this fellow be looked to;’ ‘Fellow!’ not
105 ‘Malvolio’, nor after my degree, but ‘fellow’. Why, everything adheres
106 together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no
107 obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance. What can be said?
108 Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my
109 hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
110 Enter Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria.
111 SIR TOBY.
112 Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be
113 drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to
114 him.
115 FABIAN.
116 Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir? How is’t with you, man?
117 MALVOLIO.
118 Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off.
119 MARIA.
120 Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir
121 Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
122 MALVOLIO.
123 Ah, ha! does she so?
124 SIR TOBY.
125 Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him. Let me alone.
126 How do you, Malvolio? How is’t with you? What, man! defy the devil!
127 Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind.
128 MALVOLIO.
129 Do you know what you say?
130 MARIA.
131 La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray
132 God he be not bewitched.
133 FABIAN.
134 Carry his water to th’ wise woman.
135 MARIA.
136 Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I live. My lady would
137 not lose him for more than I’ll say.
138 MALVOLIO.
139 How now, mistress!
140 MARIA.
141 O Lord!
142 SIR TOBY.
143 Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do you not see you move
144 him? Let me alone with him.
145 FABIAN.
146 No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The fiend is rough, and will not
147 be roughly used.
148 SIR TOBY.
149 Why, how now, my bawcock? How dost thou, chuck?
150 MALVOLIO.
151 Sir!
152 SIR TOBY.
153 Ay, biddy, come with me. What, man, ’tis not for gravity to play at
154 cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier!
155 MARIA.
156 Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
157 MALVOLIO.
158 My prayers, minx?
159 MARIA.
160 No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
161 MALVOLIO.
162 Go, hang yourselves all! You are idle, shallow things. I am not of your
163 element. You shall know more hereafter.
164 [_Exit._]
165 SIR TOBY.
166 Is’t possible?
167 FABIAN.
168 If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an
169 improbable fiction.
170 SIR TOBY.
171 His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
172 MARIA.
173 Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
174 FABIAN.
175 Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
176 MARIA.
177 The house will be the quieter.
178 SIR TOBY.
179 Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in
180 the belief that he’s mad. We may carry it thus for our pleasure, and
181 his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to
182 have mercy on him, at which time we will bring the device to the bar,
183 and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see!
184 Enter Sir Andrew.
185 FABIAN.
186 More matter for a May morning.
187 SIR ANDREW.
188 Here’s the challenge, read it. I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper
189 in’t.
190 FABIAN.
191 Is’t so saucy?
192 SIR ANDREW.
193 Ay, is’t, I warrant him. Do but read.
194 SIR TOBY.
195 Give me. [_Reads._] _Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy
196 fellow._
197 FABIAN.
198 Good, and valiant.
199 SIR TOBY.
200 _Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I
201 will show thee no reason for’t._
202 FABIAN.
203 A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law.
204 SIR TOBY.
205 _Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly:
206 but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee
207 for._
208 FABIAN.
209 Very brief, and to exceeding good sense—less.
210 SIR TOBY.
211 _I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me—_
212 FABIAN.
213 Good.
214 SIR TOBY.
215 _Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain._
216 FABIAN.
217 Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law. Good.
218 SIR TOBY.
219 _Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have
220 mercy upon mine, but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
221 friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
222 Andrew Aguecheek._
223 If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give’t him.
224 MARIA.
225 You may have very fit occasion for’t. He is now in some commerce with
226 my lady, and will by and by depart.
227 SIR TOBY.
228 Go, Sir Andrew. Scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a
229 bum-baily. So soon as ever thou seest him, draw, and as thou draw’st,
230 swear horrible, for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a
231 swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation
232 than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away.
233 SIR ANDREW.
234 Nay, let me alone for swearing.
235 [_Exit._]
236 SIR TOBY.
237 Now will not I deliver his letter, for the behaviour of the young
238 gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his
239 employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less. Therefore
240 this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the
241 youth. He will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver
242 his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek notable report of
243 valour, and drive the gentleman (as I know his youth will aptly receive
244 it) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and
245 impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one
246 another by the look, like cockatrices.
247 Enter Olivia and Viola.
248 FABIAN.
249 Here he comes with your niece; give them way till he take leave, and
250 presently after him.
251 SIR TOBY.
252 I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
253 [_Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria._]
254 OLIVIA.
255 I have said too much unto a heart of stone,
256 And laid mine honour too unchary on’t:
257 There’s something in me that reproves my fault:
258 But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
259 That it but mocks reproof.
260 VIOLA.
261 With the same ’haviour that your passion bears
262 Goes on my master’s griefs.
263 OLIVIA.
264 Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture.
265 Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you.
266 And I beseech you come again tomorrow.
267 What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,
268 That honour sav’d, may upon asking give?
269 VIOLA.
270 Nothing but this, your true love for my master.
271 OLIVIA.
272 How with mine honour may I give him that
273 Which I have given to you?
274 VIOLA.
275 I will acquit you.
276 OLIVIA.
277 Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well;
278 A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
279 [_Exit._]
280 Enter Sir Toby and Fabian.
281 SIR TOBY.
282 Gentleman, God save thee.
283 VIOLA.
284 And you, sir.
285 SIR TOBY.
286 That defence thou hast, betake thee to’t. Of what nature the wrongs are
287 thou hast done him, I know not, but thy intercepter, full of despite,
288 bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end. Dismount thy
289 tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful,
290 and deadly.
291 VIOLA.
292 You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me. My
293 remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to
294 any man.
295 SIR TOBY.
296 You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you. Therefore, if you hold your
297 life at any price, betake you to your guard, for your opposite hath in
298 him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man withal.
299 VIOLA.
300 I pray you, sir, what is he?
301 SIR TOBY.
302 He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier, and on carpet
303 consideration, but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls and bodies
304 hath he divorced three, and his incensement at this moment is so
305 implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and
306 sepulchre. Hob, nob is his word; give’t or take’t.
307 VIOLA.
308 I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady.
309 I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels
310 purposely on others to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that
311 quirk.
312 SIR TOBY.
313 Sir, no. His indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury;
314 therefore, get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to
315 the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety
316 you might answer him. Therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked,
317 for meddle you must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about
318 you.
319 VIOLA.
320 This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous
321 office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is. It is
322 something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
323 SIR TOBY.
324 I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my
325 return.
326 [_Exit Sir Toby._]
327 VIOLA.
328 Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
329 FABIAN.
330 I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal
331 arbitrement, but nothing of the circumstance more.
332 VIOLA.
333 I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
334 FABIAN.
335 Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are
336 like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is indeed, sir, the
337 most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have
338 found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make
339 your peace with him if I can.
340 VIOLA.
341 I shall be much bound to you for’t. I am one that had rather go with
342 sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
343 [_Exeunt._]
344 Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
345 SIR TOBY.
346 Why, man, he’s a very devil. I have not seen such a firago. I had a
347 pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck-in
348 with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he
349 pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they step on. They say
350 he has been fencer to the Sophy.
351 SIR ANDREW.
352 Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.
353 SIR TOBY.
354 Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
355 SIR ANDREW.
356 Plague on’t, an I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence,
357 I’d have seen him damned ere I’d have challenged him. Let him let the
358 matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
359 SIR TOBY.
360 I’ll make the motion. Stand here, make a good show on’t. This shall end
361 without the perdition of souls. [_Aside._] Marry, I’ll ride your horse
362 as well as I ride you.
363 Enter Fabian and Viola.
364 [_To Fabian._] I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I have
365 persuaded him the youth’s a devil.
366 FABIAN.
367 He is as horribly conceited of him, and pants and looks pale, as if a
368 bear were at his heels.
369 SIR TOBY.
370 There’s no remedy, sir, he will fight with you for’s oath sake. Marry,
371 he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
372 scarce to be worth talking of. Therefore, draw for the supportance of
373 his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
374 VIOLA.
375 [_Aside._] Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them
376 how much I lack of a man.
377 FABIAN.
378 Give ground if you see him furious.
379 SIR TOBY.
380 Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy, the gentleman will for his
381 honour’s sake have one bout with you. He cannot by the duello avoid it;
382 but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not
383 hurt you. Come on: to’t.
384 SIR ANDREW.
385 [_Draws._] Pray God he keep his oath!
386 Enter Antonio.
387 VIOLA.
388 [_Draws._] I do assure you ’tis against my will.
389 ANTONIO.
390 Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
391 Have done offence, I take the fault on me.
392 If you offend him, I for him defy you.
393 SIR TOBY.
394 You, sir? Why, what are you?
395 ANTONIO.
396 [_Draws._] One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
397 Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
398 SIR TOBY.
399 [_Draws._] Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
400 Enter Officers.
401 FABIAN.
402 O good Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers.
403 SIR TOBY.
404 [_To Antonio._] I’ll be with you anon.
405 VIOLA.
406 [_To Sir Andrew._] Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
407 SIR ANDREW.
408 Marry, will I, sir; and for that I promised you, I’ll be as good as my
409 word. He will bear you easily, and reins well.
410 FIRST OFFICER.
411 This is the man; do thy office.
412 SECOND OFFICER.
413 Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit
414 Of Count Orsino.
415 ANTONIO.
416 You do mistake me, sir.
417 FIRST OFFICER.
418 No, sir, no jot. I know your favour well,
419 Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.—
420 Take him away, he knows I know him well.
421 ANTONIO.
422 I must obey. This comes with seeking you;
423 But there’s no remedy, I shall answer it.
424 What will you do? Now my necessity
425 Makes me to ask you for my purse. It grieves me
426 Much more for what I cannot do for you,
427 Than what befalls myself. You stand amaz’d,
428 But be of comfort.
429 SECOND OFFICER.
430 Come, sir, away.
431 ANTONIO.
432 I must entreat of you some of that money.
433 VIOLA.
434 What money, sir?
435 For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,
436 And part being prompted by your present trouble,
437 Out of my lean and low ability
438 I’ll lend you something. My having is not much;
439 I’ll make division of my present with you.
440 Hold, there’s half my coffer.
441 ANTONIO.
442 Will you deny me now?
443 Is’t possible that my deserts to you
444 Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
445 Lest that it make me so unsound a man
446 As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
447 That I have done for you.
448 VIOLA.
449 I know of none,
450 Nor know I you by voice or any feature.
451 I hate ingratitude more in a man
452 Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
453 Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
454 Inhabits our frail blood.
455 ANTONIO.
456 O heavens themselves!
457 SECOND OFFICER.
458 Come, sir, I pray you go.
459 ANTONIO.
460 Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
461 I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,
462 Reliev’d him with such sanctity of love;
463 And to his image, which methought did promise
464 Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
465 FIRST OFFICER.
466 What’s that to us? The time goes by. Away!
467 ANTONIO.
468 But O how vile an idol proves this god!
469 Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
470 In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;
471 None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind.
472 Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
473 Are empty trunks, o’erflourished by the devil.
474 FIRST OFFICER.
475 The man grows mad, away with him. Come, come, sir.
476 ANTONIO.
477 Lead me on.
478 [_Exeunt Officers with Antonio._]
479 VIOLA.
480 Methinks his words do from such passion fly
481 That he believes himself; so do not I.
482 Prove true, imagination, O prove true,
483 That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!
484 SIR TOBY.
485 Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian. We’ll whisper o’er a couplet
486 or two of most sage saws.
487 VIOLA.
488 He nam’d Sebastian. I my brother know
489 Yet living in my glass; even such and so
490 In favour was my brother, and he went
491 Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
492 For him I imitate. O if it prove,
493 Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!
494 [_Exit._]
495 SIR TOBY.
496 A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare. His
497 dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying
498 him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
499 FABIAN.
500 A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
501 SIR ANDREW.
502 ’Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him.
503 SIR TOBY.
504 Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
505 SIR ANDREW.
506 And I do not—
507 [_Exit._]
508 FABIAN.
509 Come, let’s see the event.
510 SIR TOBY.
511 I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.
512 [_Exeunt._]