Much Ado About Nothing

1 Enter Dogberry and Verges,
2 with the Watch.
3 DOGBERRY.
4 Are you good men and true?
5 VERGES.
6 Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.
7 DOGBERRY.
8 Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should
9 have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.
10 VERGES.
11 Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
12 DOGBERRY.
13 First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?
14 FIRST WATCH.
15 Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal; for they can write and read.
16 DOGBERRY.
17 Come hither, neighbour Seacoal. God hath blessed you with a good
18 name: to be a well-favoured man is the gift of Fortune; but to write and
19 read comes by Nature.
20 SECOND WATCH.
21 Both which, Master Constable,—
22 DOGBERRY.
23 You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favour,
24 sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it; and for your writing
25 and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are
26 thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the
27 watch; therefore bear you the lanthorn. This is your charge: you shall
28 comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s
29 name.
30 SECOND WATCH.
31 How, if a’ will not stand?
32 DOGBERRY.
33 Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently
34 call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a knave.
35 VERGES.
36 If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s
37 subjects.
38 DOGBERRY.
39 True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s
40 subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets: for, for the
41 watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
42 SECOND WATCH.
43 We will rather sleep than talk: we know what belongs to a watch.
44 DOGBERRY.
45 Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I
46 cannot see how sleeping should offend; only have a care that your bills be
47 not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses, and bid those that
48 are drunk get them to bed.
49 SECOND WATCH.
50 How if they will not?
51 DOGBERRY.
52 Why then, let them alone till they are sober: if they make you
53 not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them
54 for.
55 SECOND WATCH.
56 Well, sir.
57 DOGBERRY.
58 If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your
59 office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle
60 or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.
61 SECOND WATCH.
62 If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
63 DOGBERRY.
64 Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they that touch
65 pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a
66 thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your
67 company.
68 VERGES.
69 You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
70 DOGBERRY.
71 Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who
72 hath any honesty in him.
73 VERGES.
74 If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse
75 and bid her still it.
76 SECOND WATCH.
77 How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
78 DOGBERRY.
79 Why then, depart in peace, and let the child wake her with
80 crying; for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes, will never
81 answer a calf when he bleats.
82 VERGES.
83 ’Tis very true.
84 DOGBERRY.
85 This is the end of the charge. You constable, are to present the
86 Prince’s own person: if you meet the Prince in the night, you may
87 stay him.
88 VERGES.
89 Nay, by’r lady, that I think, a’ cannot.
90 DOGBERRY.
91 Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows the
92 statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without the Prince be willing; for,
93 indeed, the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offence to stay a
94 man against his will.
95 VERGES.
96 By’r lady, I think it be so.
97 DOGBERRY.
98 Ha, ah, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be any matter of
99 weight chances, call up me: keep your fellows’ counsels and your
100 own, and good night. Come, neighbour.
101 SECOND WATCH.
102 Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here upon
103 the church bench till two, and then all to bed.
104 DOGBERRY.
105 One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you, watch about
106 Signior Leonato’s door; for the wedding being there tomorrow,
107 there is a great coil tonight. Adieu; be vigitant, I beseech
108 you.
109 [Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.]
110 Enter Borachio and Conrade.
111 BORACHIO.
112 What, Conrade!
113 WATCH.
114 [Aside] Peace! stir not.
115 BORACHIO.
116 Conrade, I say!
117 CONRADE.
118 Here, man. I am at thy elbow.
119 BORACHIO.
120 Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a scab follow.
121 CONRADE.
122 I will owe thee an answer for that; and now forward with thy tale.
123 BORACHIO.
124 Stand thee close then under this penthouse, for it drizzles
125 rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.
126 WATCH.
127 [Aside] Some treason, masters; yet stand close.
128 BORACHIO.
129 Therefore know, I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
130 CONRADE.
131 Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
132 BORACHIO.
133 Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should
134 be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may
135 make what price they will.
136 CONRADE.
137 I wonder at it.
138 BORACHIO.
139 That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion
140 of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.
141 CONRADE.
142 Yes, it is apparel.
143 BORACHIO.
144 I mean, the fashion.
145 CONRADE.
146 Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
147 BORACHIO.
148 Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest
149 thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
150 WATCH.
151 [Aside] I know that Deformed; a’ has been a vile thief
152 this seven years; a’ goes up and down like a gentleman: I remember
153 his name.
154 BORACHIO.
155 Didst thou not hear somebody?
156 CONRADE.
157 No: ’twas the vane on the house.
158 BORACHIO.
159 Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is?
160 how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and
161 five-and-thirty? sometime fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in
162 the reechy painting; sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old
163 church window; sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched
164 worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
165 CONRADE.
166 All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel
167 than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that
168 thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
169 BORACHIO.
170 Not so neither; but know, that I have tonight wooed Margaret,
171 the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero: she leans me out
172 at her mistress’ chamber window, bids me a thousand times good
173 night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first tell thee how the Prince,
174 Claudio, and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don
175 John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
176 CONRADE.
177 And thought they Margaret was Hero?
178 BORACHIO.
179 Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio; but the devil my
180 master, knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first
181 possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but
182 chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had
183 made, away went Claudio enraged; swore he would meet her, as he was
184 appointed, next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole
185 congregation, shame her with what he saw o’er night, and send her
186 home again without a husband.
187 FIRST WATCH.
188 We charge you in the Prince’s name, stand!
189 SECOND WATCH.
190 Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recovered
191 the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the
192 commonwealth.
193 FIRST WATCH.
194 And one Deformed is one of them: I know him, a’ wears a lock.
195 CONRADE.
196 Masters, masters!
197 SECOND WATCH.
198 You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
199 CONRADE.
200 Masters,—
201 FIRST WATCH.
202 Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.
203 BORACHIO.
204 We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these
205 men’s bills.
206 CONRADE.
207 A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey you.
208 [Exeunt.]