The Merry Wives Of Windsor

1 Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.
2 EVANS.
3 I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by
4 your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls
5 himself doctor of physic?
6 SIMPLE.
7 Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, every way; old Windsor way,
8 and every way but the town way.
9 EVANS.
10 I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way.
11 SIMPLE.
12 I will, Sir.
13 [_Exit Simple._]
14 EVANS
15 Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind! I shall
16 be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his
17 urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for
18 the ’ork. Pless my soul!
19 [_Sings._]
20 _To shallow rivers, to whose falls
21 Melodious birds sings madrigals.
22 There will we make our peds of roses
23 And a thousand fragrant posies.
24 To shallow_—
25 Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
26 [_Sings._]
27 _Melodious birds sing madrigals—
28 Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
29 And a thousand vagram posies.
30 To shallow rivers, to whose falls
31 Melodious birds sing madrigals._
32 Enter Simple.
33 SIMPLE
34 Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
35 EVANS.
36 He’s welcome.
37 [_Sings._] _To shallow rivers, to whose falls—_
38 Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
39 SIMPLE.
40 No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another
41 gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
42 EVANS.
43 Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it in your arms.
44 Enter Page, Shallow and Slender.
45 SHALLOW
46 How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester
47 from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
48 SLENDER.
49 [_Aside_.] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
50 PAGE.
51 God save you, good Sir Hugh!
52 EVANS.
53 God pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
54 SHALLOW.
55 What, the sword and the word? Do you study them both, Master Parson?
56 PAGE.
57 And youthful still—in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day?
58 EVANS.
59 There is reasons and causes for it.
60 PAGE.
61 We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.
62 EVANS.
63 Fery well; what is it?
64 PAGE.
65 Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike having received wrong
66 by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that
67 ever you saw.
68 SHALLOW.
69 I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his
70 place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.
71 EVANS.
72 What is he?
73 PAGE.
74 I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French
75 physician.
76 EVANS.
77 Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me
78 of a mess of porridge.
79 PAGE.
80 Why?
81 EVANS.
82 He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, and he is a knave
83 besides, a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
84 PAGE.
85 I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
86 SLENDER.
87 [_Aside_.] O, sweet Anne Page!
88 SHALLOW.
89 It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder. Here comes Doctor
90 Caius.
91 Enter Host, Caius and Rugby.
92 PAGE
93 Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
94 SHALLOW.
95 So do you, good Master Doctor.
96 HOST.
97 Disarm them, and let them question. Let them keep their limbs whole and
98 hack our English.
99 CAIUS.
100 I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. Verefore will you not
101 meet-a me?
102 EVANS.
103 [_Aside to Caius_.] Pray you, use your patience. In good time.
104 CAIUS.
105 By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
106 EVANS.
107 [_Aside to Caius_.] Pray you, let us not be laughing stocks to other
108 men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other
109 make you amends.
110 [_Aloud_.] By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal about your knave’s
111 cogscomb.
112 CAIUS.
113 _Diable!_ Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to
114 kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
115 EVANS.
116 As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed.
117 I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.
118 HOST.
119 Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and
120 body-curer!
121 CAIUS.
122 Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
123 HOST.
124 Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? Am I subtle?
125 Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions
126 and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he
127 gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. [_To Caius_.] Give me thy hand,
128 terrestrial; so. [_To Evans_.] Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of
129 art, I have deceived you both. I have directed you to wrong places.
130 Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the
131 issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace,
132 follow, follow, follow.
133 [_Exit Host._]
134 SHALLOW.
135 Afore God, a mad host! Follow, gentlemen, follow.
136 SLENDER.
137 [_Aside_.] O, sweet Anne Page!
138 [_Exeunt Shallow, Slender and Page._]
139 CAIUS
140 Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
141 EVANS.
142 This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we
143 may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on
144 this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
145 CAIUS.
146 By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page;
147 by gar, he deceive me too.
148 EVANS.
149 Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.
150 [_Exeunt._]